Life
by Steve Coulter on October 1, 2013

I hate that saying so damn much. Why? Well, for starters, Notre Dame football. But also because the mantra completely ignores external factors that are out of our control, yet play a pivotal role in the outcome of the game, night, mission, etc. In essence, how you play doesn’t yield the result you necessarily want.

Obviously, we all want to play like champions and, as we prepare ourselves before we go out, we tell ourselves that this is night we will shine and bring home a nine or a ten.

However, no matter how much we prepare—no matter how fine-tuned our game is—there are things we all do that ruin our chances at success before the night even begins.

Call it predestination; call it weakness, but whatever you do, try to avoid the following steps: They're guaranteed to leave you stroking it the next morning, asking God what in the hell went wrong.

1. Attitude

More than any factor, a bro’s mindset dictates so much of how his night will play out. If you're feeling negative, angry or even just moody, you might as well not even bother going out. I’ve seen this so many damn times it’s not even funny: a bro starts drinking excessively out of frustration with something that happened during the day. Next thing you know, he’s yelling at one of his friends and making a scene at a bar. It’s an all-too-familiar pattern and, although alcohol-induced, it really stems from how he was feeling earlier in the night before the booze started flowing.

It’s worth noting that cockiness, or over-confidence, isn’t exactly the right attitude to carry into the night either. Similar to the “play like a champion today” slogan, saying “I’m getting pussy tonight,” doesn’t necessarily yield sex. Yes, it’s good to be confident, but simply believing it’s going to happen because you’re saying it’s going to happen is just plain dumb. Pussy doesn’t just magically fall into your lap; rather, it takes work and concentration. Something you won’t have if you have too much….

2. Alcohol

Too much booze will leave you passed out on your friend’s couch before the night even gets underway, or worse, launch you into the streets where serious trouble awaits. You can’t really have a fun, successful evening if you’re getting sent to the drunk tank or getting kicked out of bars and house parties for being that belligerent idiot. It's how you earn a bad reputation and lessen your chances for success in the future.

Yes, alcohol is the universal door to socializing, but it comes at a certain cost. If you don’t watch your intake, you’re bound for failure and certainly destined to blow your chances before most nights begin.

3. Appearance

Don’t ask me why, but in order to be successful in this world—specifically our appearance-centered society—you have to look the part. This means you have to clean yourself up by showering, shaving, and, even in some desperate cases, getting a new haircut. It also means dressing up to a certain extent, putting on a collared shirt or at least a fashionable shirt made by a famous, preferred brand. The right pants and shoe combination goes a long way too.

Again, don’t ask me why, but allow me to show you:

In my sophomore year of college, I went through a dry spell and, as a result, I had given up on my appearance in an effort to be a non-conformist and rebel against the norm. This led me to the brilliant decision of going out one night in my sweatpants and a waffle-shirt. I don’t know how to summarize this in a sentence, but let me just say it was painful. I don’t think I was able to have a conversation with a girl all night without her looking down immediately and noticing that I had clearly given up on myself and, therefore, clearly had given up on trying to bring anyone home.

The lesson, obviously, is don’t wear sweatpants when you go out.

4. Pregame entertainment

I’ve seen guys absolutely kill it no matter what they watch or listen to before the go out, and that’s why this isn’t actually higher on the list. Regardless, it’s important that you don’t get caught watching any type of serious movie or TV show before you go out because then it’s all you want to think about and therefore talk about all night, which won’t play out well for you at a bar or party. Similarly, the wrong type of music—anything too mellow or too aggressively angry—won’t do you any good either. It’s always best to stick with something that is in the middle of the spectrum of entertainment; something everybody can enjoy that doesn’t take your attention away from the task at hand, which is getting mildly drunk before going out.

More times than not, the homeowners of where the pre-game is taking place will turn off the TV and just bump music. The trouble here is that this strategy routes people to the alternative of sitting down and casually drinking…

5. Drinking games

Raise your hand if you’ve ever got caught up playing a drinking game before the night even starts, and the next thing you know it’s midnight or later and you haven’t made any moves to go out. I know my hands raised, and I’d suspect that yours is too.

As much fun as beer pong and flip cup are, or whatever drinking game you prefer, they’re meant to be played at parties, with a crowd of at least 25 or more people, not in small, pre-game settings where the same two teams play each other over and over again in what quickly becomes a “World Series” type of activity. Drinking games not only postpone your night, they could also ruin it for you before it even gets started by forcing you to consume too much, too quickly and too early.  

6. Sports

In attempt to buck the negative consequences that happen when you watch TV or play drinking games before you go out, most bros settle on watching sports—a good, happy medium right in that aforementioned spectrum of entertainment. This should settle all your previous pre-game problems, right? One would think, but sports are yet another way a bro can blow it before he even goes out. Why? Well let’s go over the checklist we have so far:  

Can a sporting event mess up a bro’s attitude? Absolutely.  

Can a sporting event cause a bro to consume more alcohol than usual? It's sports, anything can happen.

Can a sporting event alter what a bro wears when he goes out? Jerseys, shirts and hats with team logos are frequently worn attire after a big win.

Can a sporting event hinder the pre-game entertainment? No need music when the games on.

Can a sporting event become a drinking game itself? That or sports betting — it’s not going to end pretty either way.

This line of questioning doesn’t even take into account what happens when a game goes into overtime or when a bro makes the colossal misstep of watching the end of the game from the party or the party. Then he becomes the asshole who’s screaming at the TV that everybody else is trying to have fun. The result of this is never pretty.

7. Drugs

In fear that this will be read by a future employer one day, I won’t say much other than drugs—regardless of whether its an upper or a downer—are just another way bros blow it before leaving their respective houses.

I'd love to do a study to see the national average of bros who bring chicks home after doing drugs earlier in the night. I’m willing to bet it’s less than 10%.

8. Smell

While we’re still orbiting the realm of drugs, don’t smell like them if you’re going to be doing them. This mainly pertains to weed, but if there is some other potent-smelling drug out there that I don’t know about, please make sure to spray yourself with cologne after you indulge. Smelling like cigarettes can also prove to be problematic and just plain-up smelling like crap won’t help either.

This should be common knowledge, but every bro should take a dump before going out. Prairie dogging it and farting around the bar or party will result in you walking home alone 100 times out of 100.

9. Social circle

Who you roll out with could play a significant part in how your night plays out. If you’re pre-gaming with your wildest friends, then you’re probably going to have a rowdy, guy-centric night where the highlight is either a fight or some sort of mischievous activity. If you’re heading out with the right mixture of people—some reckless, some tame, then you’re going to have some balance in your group and therefore more chances to meet different women. I’m all for diversity in ones social circle. Don’t limit yourself to just one option that’s how you end up striking out a majority of nights.

Personally, I’d like to get a double at least. Even if its not scoring, its better than nothing.

10. Lone ranger*

The bro who can go out alone and score is the type of guy I’d like to meet and talk with for a few hours. I just don’t see how being a lone ranger benefits any bro at all, but that’s also because I’ve never really tried it. I’ve been accustomed to heading out with allies and haven’t had the need to adapt to being a lone wolf.

That’s the reason why there’s an asterisk next to this label. I actually have no personal experience in knowing whether or not it’s a way a bro blows it before going out; it’s more of speculation and an assumption.

About Steve Coulter...

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