Life
by Fitz E Fresh on April 3, 2013

Q: I'm a 21 year old virgin male about to be a senior in college this fall. At what point if ever should I resort to Craigslist or something creepy like that?

A: Let's not make any hasty/regrettable choices here- at least not before the age of 35.

Patience, young bro, is a virtue. And while you may not totally comprehend that folklore now, you'll appreciate it later– when you're married and balding, and deeply, deeply regret losing your virginity to an hourly wage hooker rather than a somewhat virtuous young lass. 21 years of life as a virgin sucks, I'm sure, but it's not the worst. Getting a girl pregnant at 21 would be the worst, so at least be fucking thankful that you've avoided that.

Be patient and persistent; hit the gym and take some girls on dates and your day in the sun is sure to come. 40-year old virgins don't actually exist.

…Right?

Q: A female friend of mine recently told me that men's love for boobs is comparable to a girl's love for abs. Is this true?

A: In the sense that we like them respectively in their most perfect form, sure.

I love some rock hard abs, and god knows I respect great nipples/a perky rack as any reasonable individual would. But I think that's sort of as far as the comparison goes.

First off and most obviously, both sexes can sculpt abs; but only women yield the power of the breast.

One point for the girl's team.

Abs are fun to rub on, but men's infatuation with breasts is a whole different level. Around the age when our mothers ween us off of breast feeding, us girls accept it at face value. We start drinking out of milk cartons and going through puberty and never look back. Dudes on the other hand- freak, the fuck, out.

The separation is too much, and they spend the rest of their lives aimlessly seeking breasts to suck on almost to the point of being a reflex. Savages.

But again, that speaks to the power of the breasts.

Finally, when making this comparison it must be pointed out that all dudes would gladly take washboard abs if available, where not all women would opt for D cups. That concludes my analysis. Thank you.

Q: I've been dating this girl for four years and we're both leaving for college in a few months. I got into one school for hockey and she wants to go to a different school in the south. We both want to make it work but how does that happen?

A: For a few months, it might. And if you're one of those “high school sweetheart” couples, (read: don't stray from your comfort zone) then you might make it.

But if you're like the other 97.8% of college students in America, college will be the time when you realize that everything you've been planning is unrealistic and frankly embarrassing. Thinking back on my raging 16 year old emotions I cringe; then cry a little…then laugh a little…then thank the lord above when I consider what my life could've turned out like.

I respect, revere, admire, and all the other gushy emotions that go along with youthful, meant-to-be love…but I don't necessarily give it the benefit of the doubt.

Because if you never test the waters and get a true understanding of what other fish are in the sea, I genuinely believe that you can never be 100% satisfied and confident with the decision you've made. You've got no reference point. So my advice to you is to follow your gut and above all, do what's best for you. Which in your case, sounds like pursuing  your hockey career. It's pretty gay but I do believe in things working out if they're meant to be, so take it day by day. Just swear to me you won't buy a promise ring.

Q: Recently my girlfriend of four years has been paying extra attention to showing me pictures of her engaged friends on Facebook. Is she trying to send me a signal? Eventually I want to get married but the railroad tracks staged engagement cards are freaking me out.

A: I wouldn't say sending you a signal as much as dropping what she considers to be a subtle hint. Of course it's not, and you're probably feeling a little claustrophobic and maybe you're even afraid of trains which doesn't help. Don't let the expectations get to you. Marriage peer pressure is absolute bullshit but you see it happen all the time. All of a sudden ten members of a friend group get engaged within a span of three months like its total coincidence.

And you're like “What the fuck? I didn't even know he had a girlfriend, or shit, I always thought she was lesbian.” And maybe she is. But since all of her friends are tying the knot she's feeling the heat and she can't fucking handle it. A girl can only stand in a church wearing a fugly bridesmaid dress so many times before she needs her day in the spotlight. And spotlight, she'll have.

Still; love isn't a fucking race- it's a marathon. And it seems like people forget that after your one day of dressing up and saying vows and getting drunk with all of your friends and family, you guys are spending the rest of your lives together. Effective, immediately. So don't be scurred, but do take your time. Rushing to the rest of your life is no way to live, and if your lady truly loves you she'll be patient too. Maybe just pop the question before you're 40.

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[Virgin image via ShutterStock]

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