Life
by Fitz E Fresh on January 9, 2013

Q: So I'm hooking up with this guy Friday night, and right as things started getting going he turns on the Victoria's secret fashion show…which he had DVR'ed…I was super weirded out but didn't know how to react so I just went with it. How are you supposed to react in a situation like that?

A: Well, that is unarguably pretty fucking strange; and to most people, not a turn-on. Intentionally putting any program on TV while getting down with a new fling could be a real deal breaker, especially when it's supermodel babes in diamond-encrusted lingerie.

And I can't imagine how awkward it must have been when Justin Bieber stepped onstage…talk about a boner killer. That hair gel? These teeny boppers blow my fucking mind. Anyways, I'm not sure how you're “supposed” to act in such an unexpected situation, but I'm nearly positive that my personal reaction would have facilitated an immediate hookup ceasefire.

You brought me home– and although I can't and won't argue that Gisele is the ultimate babe, you can focus your attention on me instead…for the remaining four to six minutes you'll probably last in the sack.

Q: For single girls out at a bar, is it better to see potential guys hanging out with other guys, or guys hanging out with girls?

A: Bros on bros, breau. If you're rolling with a bunch of females we'll write you off pretty quickly– which will immediately land you into the category of gay and/or occupied man meat; so keep the female ratios in check. Also make sure your bros are looking/behaving according to the standards you hold yourself to, and I'm serious about this one. If you're rolling with a bunch of slob douchebags, it won't matter how “cool” you are, because not even the bottle service lady will be able to sift through the fucktardness that is your shirtless, sweating, and puking (respectively) crew. Anyways if we're talking numbers here I'd say a dude to babe ratio of 2-to-1 is the farthest you can safely stretch when trying to effectively put out the vibe. A 1-to-1 ratio just looks like a couples date or a grouper, and come on- nobody wants to be a part of either of those.

Q: I regularly say hello and goodbye to female friends with a kiss on the cheek which is well received and often reciprocated. In the past 10 days on 2 different occasions, girls who I've known for awhile (no history, but some electricity) have moved from the cheek to the corner of my mouth for the kiss. I have had a beard for years. My question is, are these ladies merely trying to avoid as much facial hair as possible or is there something more there?

A: I like your style, Euro breau, and it sounds like the chicks dig it too. The slip-kiss isn't about your (presumably sexy) beard getting in the way; it's about these homegirls trying to drop a hint. I couldn't explain why your luck has escalated in the past couple of weeks– perhaps you capitalized on the holiday Rosetta Stone GroupOn and Eau de European man is just seeping from your pores…Hard to say really, but I'd just chalk it up as a win if I were you. Keep doing what you're doing. Just don't go for the quadruple kiss, like those fucking Italian bros… maintain that Euro flair and a well-manicured beard and it seems like the ladies will keep the smooches coming.

Q: What's a girl opinion about shaved chests vs. unshaved chests? I'm not that hairy but was wondering if girls like the 70's porno chest hair or some smooth pecs. Basically what's appropriate for a spring break trip when you have plenty of ladies around?

A: it's all about the happy medium guys. You are a dude and all, so don't sprint to the waxing salon at the first sign of a chest hair. You turned 20, went through puberty and sprouted a few On the other end that au natural shit is sexy; but if your chest is starting to dreadlock and house small rodents, you should probably look into some man-grooming. And even though we don't always necessarily care, we do always notice when that shit isn't organic—meaning when you shave your chest, it's obvious.

Sort of like your girlfriends mustache.

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