Valentine’s Day should be all about the love, but let’s face it, it’s all too easy to make a complete ass of yourself. That’s because Valentine’s Day turns us into different people, desperate people. Some are desperate to prove that they are super dudes who totally get you, baby, while others are desperate to prove that Valentine’s Day is dumb. In short, they become assholes. But no matter what you do, don’t become one of these types of assholes. Unless, of course, you don’t mind making your right hand your special Valentine.
Mr. Cool
This is the dude who doesn’t just think Valentine’s Day is dumb, he knows it, and he’s going to make sure you know it too. He doesn’t need to prove his love to anyone. Flowers? Fuck that, he isn’t going to be caught dead walking around like some whipped sadsack with a bouquet in his hand. That’s for dudes who fucked up, not cool bros like him. Of course, he’s also perpetually alone, but that’s only because he’s too cool for relationships. And also sex. Good for you, bro?
The Over The Top Romantic
On the other hand, you don’t want to be the dude who rents out a goddamn crop-duster to spray rose petals everywhere you go for a girl you’ve been on two dates with. That shit is creepy as hell. You don’t look romantic, you look like someone who might keep her head in a freezer while you wear her clothes around the house. You’ve got to relax and find a nice middle ground, a place that says you care but aren’t a desperate weirdo. Sure, we both know that you are, but at least pretend, dude. That’s what separates us from the animals.
The Cheapskate
This guy knows he has to do something, but he really, really doesn’t want to spend anything either. Look, it’s the thought that counts, but when you show up with a shitty bouquet you bought in the clearance section at the supermarket, with half the flowers dead already, the only thought you’re going to be conveying is, “Look, I don’t want to be here, but this is what I have to do to get you to play with my gear, so here you go.” She’ll feel so loved and appreciated!
The Moralist
Sweet Jesus, do not be this dude. Do not be the asshole who spends the whole day telling everyone who will listen about how Valentine’s Day is just a made up holiday by greeting card companies or that it’s just a perpetuation of “the patriarchy” and gender roles or whatever the hell you picked up in your freshman women’s studies class. You don’t sound enlightened, you just sound like a joyless asshole incapable of contextualizing. Yes, Valentine’s Day is complete bullshit. But who cares? It’s a dumb excuse for people to act like love-fools and maybe get laid. People get it. They just don’t give a fuck, bro. But congrats on being smarter than everyone else.
The Stalker
Look, just because it is a day of romance does not give you the excuse to, well, romance the unwilling. This is not a movie and you are not Lloyd Dobler or a sparkly vampire or whatever the fuck passes for romantic cinema gesturing these days. Those dudes get arrested in real life. If she’s not having that shit, don’t try to “win her over” by going balls out (figuratively or literally) just because it’s Valentine’s Day. It isn’t sweet and it isn’t cute. Unless, of course, you actually are a sparkly vampire who also happens to look like a male model. Then all bets are off.
Single And Proud Of It
Look, it’s okay to be single. Even on Valentine’s Day. Nobody is going to judge you for that. But don’t be that weird dude who shows up at a restaurant all alone just to make some sort of point. At best, you will just get pitied. At worst, you will be openly mocked by your waitress and everyone will think there’s something wrong with you. It’s okay to just stay home for the night, man. Whatever “point” you think you’re making just isn’t worth it.
The Most Boring Man On Earth
At least try to make the day special. You don’t have to make a damn fool out of yourself or do anything that isn’t you, but show that you care. Do something different from every other night of the year. Tossing a $1.99 card at her and then laying around watching whatever dreck is on CBS just isn’t going to do it, man. You can try to rationalize it as “Hey, I’m just keeping it real,” but the only thing you’re proving is that you’re real boring. But hey, enjoy CSI: Two and a Half Big Bangs or whatever sadness you’ve got going on there. Just know that you’ll probably be watching it alone. Or with your grandma. Now that’s hot.
The History Major
Did you know that St. Valentine was possibly a Roman Priest who defied the emperor by marrying couples in private? Or that he was more likely just an invented figure to both celebrate courtly love during the age of chivalry and to create a holiday to supersede the existing pagan holidays? Do you care? No? Well, neither does she, Professor.
The Sexy Valentine
Nope. Just… no. That is not how this shit works. There is nothing sadder than a dude trying to look “sexy,” especially on Valentine’s Day. You may think you’re going for the whole Cupid look, but you’re just going to look like a giant baby, and no one wants to get down with that. Believe it or not, but “sexy baby” is not something people want in their lives. Let her provide the sexy. All you have to do is not fuck it up. That’s the real secret to Valentine’s Day: just don’t fuck it up.
Valentine’s image by Shutterstock