Valentine’s Day, everyone’s favorite holiday based on Chicago mafia killings, is nearly upon us. While 35% of us are single and will spend tomorrow contemplating throwing ourselves over a bridge, the rest of us in committed relationships will feel pressure to do something special for our bottom bitch.
The biggest problem with Valentine’s Day, other than the fact that it was a holiday created by the Illuminati specifically to fund Jewish control of the media, is that it’s expensive! Restaurants hit us with a ridiculous Prix Fixe menu, we feel pressure to buy an extravagant gift, and we have to tip the bathroom attendant extra just to make sure he keeps his mouth shut about us jacking it in the stall in order to last longer during V-Day sex.
What I’m saying is, it’s a completely unnecessary expense. I’ve even had friends dump their girlfriend before Valentine’s Day, and then get back together with her the week after, just to avoid having to deal with it. That’s not even mean, that’s just plain fiscally responsible. But, it doesn’t have to be that way. Check out the below for ten amazing and AFFORDABLE last minute Valentine’s Day date ideas.
1. Chipotle Date – I’m sure you’re saying, “there’s nothing less romantic than Chipotle.” Admittedly, it’s no white-tableclothed, prissy French place, but there’s something undeniably affectionate about one of the burristas saying “you know guac is extra…”, and when your girl looks back at you with a twinkle in her eye, as if to say, “is this cool…”, you nod self-assuredly and utter, “I know it’s extra… pile it on.” That’s how you ball on a budget. She’ll be putty in your hands!
2. 50 Shades of Grey Reenactment Date– Girls just want to feel like you care. Spending money on them relays that, but so does showing that you respect her interests. Chicks love 50 Shades of Grey, the BDSM novel based on the Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore flop 50 First Dates, and Liam Neeson thriller The Grey. Skip the movie, as it’s not as graphic, and movie tickets are too expensive these days. Buying the book will cost approximately $11 (assuming her copy isn’t too soiled to just use hers), and suggesting that you reenact her favorite chapters will cost $0. Feel free to use my name as a safe word 🙂
3. Philanthropic Date – Valentine’s Day is a selfish holiday. There’s nothing benevolent about it. It’s just about sex and chocolate and expensive meals. Show your woman that you won’t let Obama dictate how you spend your holidays, while also demonstrating what a kind-hearted soul you have. Find your most pathetic, lonely, down-on-his-luck single friend, and contact him about having a threesome with you and your girl. Your girlfriend might be weirded out, but when she sees the smile on your friend’s face as he rails her and you watch creepily from a shadowy corner, she’ll know it was all worth it.
4. Hiking Date – Girls love hiking on account of its Instagrammablility. Most moments are no longer lived for their intrinsic enjoyment, but for their ability to be Instagrammed and shown to the world. The best part about hiking is that it costs nothing! You don’t even need to find an actual hiking trail! Suggest to your gf that you know of a sweet “Urban Hiking Spot,” and just walk up and down your block a couple times. Snap a couple pics, and before you know it, you’ll be hiking all right… hiking up her skirt!!! Be responsible – make sure to stock up on Plan B.
5. The Avoidance Date – If there’s one thing girls HATE, it’s when you make them feel intellectually inferior. Slyly slip into conversation the day before Valentine’s Day, “this holiday makes me so sad for the world. With everything that’s going on with ISIS, and the mass killings in Nigeria, it’s like, who can seriously just go out to dinner and pretend like everything is okay?” She won’t want to seem insensitive to the plight of the less fortunate, so she’ll join your silent protest of this Hallmark holiday, and you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.
6. Fake Your Own Death Date – This is gonna sound extreme, but if your girlfriend seems set on extravagantly celebrating Valentine’s Day, she’s given you no choice but to fake your own death. Here’s how I do it – tell her you’re going out to go grab a pack of smokes. It doesn’t matter that you don’t smoke, it’ll make you seem cool. As soon as you leave, have your best friend text your girlfriend, “did you hear Mike is dead?” Your name is Mike, btw. She’ll be like, “no way, we had dinner plans tonight!” Just go over to your buddy’s place and play XBOX for a while, and when you return to your apartment the next day, she’ll be so relieved that you’re not dead, she won’t even question the logistics of what just transpired.
7. Let Me Cook You Dinner Date – Your girlfriend just wants to see effort. She doesn’t really care about the cost, per se, she just wants to know that you care. Nothing says that more than offering to cook her a romantic meal at home. But here’s the trick – you won’t actually cook anything! Buying all the ingredients will be expensive, and having to sit there slaving in the kitchen like some kinda sexy Mario Batali is a waste of time. Right before you’re about to go get the food, say to your girlfriend, “Hey, I’m about to go get the ingredients for our amazing home-cooked meal. I noticed you’re getting a lot fatter recently, so wanted to check in and see what you want me to get to satisfy your insatiable appetite. I’m assuming something butter-heavy and deep fried, right? You’d like that wouldn’t you, you little pig. Or if you’re not into the meal, we could also just skip it and watch TV.” Girls are sensitive about it being implied that they’re overweight, so she’ll become self-conscious, and ask to skip the meal entirely! And yet, you’ll still get credit for it! YOU CAN’T LOSE.
8. Window Shopping Spree Date – Ever since they were little girls, women have loved to shop ’til they drop. In fact, the saying “shop ‘til you drop” actually comes from the Greeks, whose women were known to continue shopping to the point that they literally dropped dead of starvation. Women will continue shopping until you steer them away from the store. The problem with shopping is that you need money in order to buy the goods. But, what you don’t need money for is window shopping! It’ll take them back to their days of princess dress-up and playing house, but this time, they’re old enough to appreciate it. Take them to an area highly-concentrated with nice stores. Walk by the window display and give her the “if you could buy one thing in the window, what would it be?” Girls love hypothetical games like that, especially when it revolves around shopping. Respond with vague things like “well, someone has a birthday coming up…” or “that might be in someone’s future…”, and you won’t ever actually have to buy her the things, she’ll simply enjoy the prospect of potentially buying them. She’ll delight in all the imaginary things she’s buying, while your wallet will remain happily closed.
9. Scavenger Hunt Date – This comes back to the idea that all girls want to see is effort on your part. Scavenger hunts are the epitome of effort. You don’t even really need to go through the process of officially setting one up. It’ll actually just be her retrieving things for you disguised as a scavenger hunt. You’ll send her to CVS to get razors, then to Wing Zone to scoop you a 12’er of mild buffalos, and then Game Stop to cop the new Call of Duty, and finally the liquor store to pick up a bottle of tequila. When she comes back with all the supplies, all you gotta do is act impressed and be like “wowwww, you did it, honey!” She’ll be so proud of herself, she won’t even realize that all she really did was go shopping for you.
10. Nap Date – Girls think it’s cute when you lie in bed together. You know why I love it? It doesn’t cost any money! How romantic is that song “Come Back to Bed” by John Mayer? You think JM really enjoyed cuddling with her all day, OR he’s a goddamn genius and realized that if they got out of bed, he would have to drag her to some super expensive, trendy brunch spot? Bring your lover in close and whisper in her ear, “this Valentine’s Day, all I want is you in my bed.” She’ll be so touched by how romantic it is, she won’t even care when you immediately just go to sleep and wake up on February 15th.