I realize this is a contrarian view of how Valentine’s Day is perceived, especially on a site like this, but it looks like the comment section isn’t working, so I can say whatever the fuck I want and assume everyone agrees with it…
Valentine’s Day really isn’t that bad.
Now I realize that how you feel about Valentine’s Day differs greatly depending on whether you’re single or in a relationship, but either way, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to suck. If you’re a single girl, especially in your mid-to-late 20’s, I guess Instagramming your three-gallon glass of wine and The Notebook DVD cover isn’t your ideal way to spend a holiday that celebrates love, but look on the bright side: at least it gives you an excuse to drink an unhealthy amount of alcohol and stuff 200 peanut M&M’s without feeling too bad about it. Plus, you don’t even have to change out of your sweatpants that night, and while I know that girls like looking nice, they also HATE getting ready.
And single dudes, I probably don’t have to tell you this, but there are some lonely fucking girls out there on Valentine’s Day. Fire up Tinder and keep messaging “I’ll be your Valentine” until it works. It’s an incredibly corny line, but men have gotten laid with far less. Think about how many times Cam’ron hit, plus dome (say word) in 2002 by just saying “Hey Ma.” You’re banking on the girl’s fragile emotional state, not your sub-par sext game.
Regardless of gender, you don’t need to sit on social media all day and bum yourself out over couples posting pictures of their first kiss or your best friend’s flower display that’ll die in three days anyway. There’s nothing wrong with going about your life and doing the same shit you’d do on any normal night.
For people in relationships, there’s a lot more that goes into Valentine’s Day. The guy has to pick out a restaurant and possibly a piece of jewelry depending on the type of girl. Both people are required by law to post a status about how much they love their Valentine. The girl has to wear underwear that smells like the inside of a Hollister. That’s a lot of shit to have to worry about, which is why you’ll see these same people complaining about how annoying Valentine’s Day is, or my favorite, how “commercial” it is. Yeah, no shit, it’s commercial, so is like every other major holiday we have in the US. Thanksgiving isn’t about giving thanks anymore, it’s about Black Friday deals and the NFL. New Year’s Eve isn’t about ringing in the new year with your loved ones, it’s about who can spend the most money for the luxury of being allowed to sit down and drink one bottle of champagne. And Christmas? Christmas is a fucking joke now. Stores advertise Christmas sales in like October and you’re only happy about seeing your family if your rich uncle pulled your card in the Secret Santa so you don’t get stuck with another Croft & Barrow tie.
If you think Valentine’s Day is just some made up bullshit to get you to spend money, you’re exactly right, so just deal with it.
I’m completely fine with a holiday where the “worst” thing is having to take out the person you like/love on a more-expensive-than-usual dinner and having to actually spend time with them instead of sitting on the couch and ignoring each other for your phones like usual. Think about all the stupid shit you spend money on. You’re gonna complain about spending it on the person you are voluntarily in a relationship with? The other night I lost 100 bucks betting the Spurs to beat the Pistons and I didn’t even get steak or sex. On Valentine’s Day I can get both.
When it boils down to it, Valentine’s Day is basically about candy, dinner, and sex. Who doesn’t like those things? We’re gonna condemn a holiday where if we’re single our chances of getting laid are higher and if we’re with someone our chances are guaranteed? And to top that off we get to eat Reese’s shaped like little hearts?
That shit is the opposite of annoying. Everyone needs to stay off social media, stop complaining, and go get laid.
Jimmy T is a regular columnist for BroBible. He runs the blog Jimmy’s Very Unusual.