It’s time to look yourself in the mirror and ask why you have four separate Facebook tabs open. After you answer that, you need to explain those ten “ass models” you follow on Twitter. Oh, and for Christ’s sake, you just posted a picture of a daiquiri and typed out “#blessed” on Instagram.
What is wrong with you?
The OG. It’s where you learned how to creep, over-share stuff about your personal life no one cares about and post pictures to make your friends jealous. Why are you still on it, though? You’re not sure, but there’s no chance that you’ll delete it, even though you say you will every time there’s a major update. Plus, that girl you made eye contact with once, but didn’t actually “meet” just put up a new “Spring Break: Cancun Wasted” album, so you might have to stick this out a little while longer.
Don’t look now, but you just made, like, 100 million new friends. Being on Twitter means you have shit to say, but, at that particular moment, no one to say it to. You’re also in total disbelief that everyone you see has over 2,000 followers and you only have 153. You’re not worried, though. Cream rises to the top and your hilarious, topical, and informative tweets will get their time in the sun. Until then, you’re going to get drunk one night and follow more porn stars than you’d like to admit. Whoops.
You went to Coachella and you would legitimately have a panic attack if other people didn’t know you were there without a Valencia filter. Initially you swore off Instagram because it looked stupid and pictures aren’t that fun. That was until you realized “fitness models” exist and all they do is post pictures of their asses to inspire less attractive girls into being miserable. If that wasn’t enough, it’s a socially acceptable forum to tell people “I’m doing better than you” via pictures.
Speaking of “doing better” than people, that’s 95% of the reason why people have a LinkedIn account. Every time you log on, you’re essentially hopping on life’s race track. Who’s winning? You’re not quite sure, but you’ll end up convincing yourself that you definitely AREN’T winning. All of your friends are moving up in their respective careers and you’re still wearing a Corona hat in your profile picture. Maybe it’s time for you to remove that LinkedIn tab from your bookmarks for a little while. Take a few plays off, champ.
You’re horny, you don’t want to move and you don’t want to exert too much energy. Perfect time to grab your phone, swipe a bit and toss some Hail Mary pickup lines downfield. If it works, it’s time to break out “The Notebook” on DVD and a dusty-ass bottle of wine you most assuredly don’t know how to open. If it doesn’t, you can keep swiping, go to the bar to strike out in person, or open up Google Incognito and get weird with yourself. In the end, you can say that you subbed yourself into the game and gave it a go without leaving the comfort of your couch.
Welcome to 2014, ladies and bros. Unofficially named the “Oh shit, I forgot to bring my phone to the bathroom with me. I might as well kill myself” era.
Follow Dub J on Twitter and check his blog, A Working Man’s Diary
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