Life
by David Covucci on October 7, 2013

You can deny it, claiming you use Facebook to see photos of your nephews or Twitter to get breaking news. But that's all secondary. At their core, these sites are for connecting people so they can screw. We are humans, we love to fuck and we love anything that facilitates the process.

Which is why we love social media so much.

But there is one major player in the online interaction game seeing zero action. No one is using LinkedIn to get some.

Why the hell not? What is sex if not extremely intense networking? Everyone you know is on LinkedIn, which gives you limitless possibilities. And while you may develop a reputation as a sleazy asshole who seduces unsuspecting people in office-type settings, that didn't stop John F. Kennedy from becoming president.

Let's face it. You need to be using LinkedIn for sex.

Okay. How do I do it?

Lie. You are a low-level data analyst for SAIC. No one is impressed by that. But President, International Amphibious Animal Spy Ring? That is a conversation starter.

“My penguins carry Sig Sauers.”

The beauty of LinkedIn is that it doesn't bother to check this shit. It doesn't call the NFL to confirm you are the starting quarterback of the Denver Broncos. Plus, you can change your career whenever you want. Looking to impress a girl who owns a bakery? Guess who is Executive Director of Yeast Technologies at Pillsbury.

I don't think I should lie to pick up women.

Yea. You're right. The costs of fake business cards alone would be prohibitive. So let's talk about your profile instead. May I suggest a professional business head shot? This isn't the place to use “wackiness.” That will look like you don't respect the decorum of the medium. You need to keep appearances up. People will be less likely to sleep with you if they think you are on LinkedIn solely to sleep with them. As for your profile text, be serious, but add a touch of whimsy. Bitches love whimsy.

How do I meet people I want to sleep with?

Introductions. LinkedIn lets a mutual friend send an introductory email. It's the online equivalent of “Have you met Ted?” But in this instance, you can write the email for your friend to send. You get to highlight all the salient sexual aspects of yourself, then wrap it in an invisibility cloak of “business connection.” Once your friend forwards it, a conversation is started. With you looking like you put on zero moves. 

But she will be thinking I want to network.

That's true. But the important thing is being already “in.” You are now sending private messages across a social media site. Everyone knows that's a prelude to sexual intercourse. So work up a rapport. Ask some questions. Respond to questions when asked. Eventually, you'll feel comfortable enough to ask to get coffee to “continue the conversation in person.”

Then what do I do?

Ask her to coffee so you can continue the conversation in person. Engage “Seduction Mode.”

That's great for someone I don't know, but what if I want to score with someone I already do.

Glad you asked. ENDORSEMENTS. Endorse the shit out of them. Actually, don't. That would be weird. Instead, send them one endorsement that relates to a particular skill you know they are very proud of. If they write back to thank you, respond accordingly.

“You're welcome. Wanna fuck?”

That sounds too forward.

Well don't use that precise language. Be subtler. “The skills I have should only be endorsed in private” or “Would you like to endorse my dick for your vagina?”

What if I don't know them enough to endorse them, but still want to have sex?

Sign up for LinkedIn notifications. They are the worst serial spammer this side of GroupOn. At some point, you'll get an email that mentions your crush. A promotion or a new job or even an updated email address. When that happens, send them a message. “I know it's been a while, but I'd love to buy you a drink to congratulate you.” They will get what's up. Probably.

I tried all your suggestions and none of them work.

There is very quite possibly a “Sex Workers” group on LinkedIn.

I'm not joining a Sex Workers group on LinkedIn.

Then get on Match. What the hell are you doing trying to find ass on a business-networking website anyway?