If you follow U.S. politics, you know that March 1 marked the beginning of "The Sequester," a series of massive spending cuts that took effect because Congress and the president were unable to agree on a deficit reduction plan. The two parties have tried every possible negotiation strategy by now—golf, birthday parties—but, still, we're no closer to solving the issues this country faces.
At a General Assembly budget committee meeting on Monday, the United States ambassador for management and reform at the UN stood up to scold his colleagues for always showing up drunk to negotiations. "There has always been a good and responsible tradition of a bit of alcohol improving a negotiation, but we're not talking about a delegate having a nip at the bar," said Joseph Torsella. "We make the modest proposal that the negotiating rooms should in future be an inebriation-free zone."
This is apparently not a new problem. The budget committee meetings tend to run late into the night at this time of year, as delegates struggle to meet deadlines. Some diplomats spoke up after Torsella's very public shaming and said it's not uncommon for delegates to show up visibly drunk to negotiations. "On one occasion the note-taker who was meant to be recording the talks was so intoxicated he had to be replaced," one unnamed diplomat told the press
Got that? Some of the most powerful and influential political figures in the world are not just showing up buzzed for late-night negotiations on East 42nd Street. They're showing up, quote, "falling down drunk." So drunk that one prominent member once vomited during a meeting, according to Torsella. This is amazing. And smart!
Can you imagine how many important decisions would finally be made if President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner cut these hopeless Oval Office talks and instead got U.N. drunk together? The kind of drunk where they trash the Lincoln Bedroom and set fire to the Gettysburg Address? Where they prank call a clearly-not-having-it Hillary and leave 48 voicemails? Where Obama calls Ben's Chili Bowl at 3:30 a.m., orders 4 half-smokes, and says he needs the food delivered to the White House in 30 minutes or else he's hitting U Street with a drone strike?
I'll tell you what would happen. Our country would wake up to a comprehensive bipartison deficit reduction plan.
Sure, it would be scribbled out on five cocktail napkins. And yeah, something important would probably be forgetten—they might forget to talk about the education budget or something. But the basics of the plan would be there, ready to be filled in by dutiful staffers while Obama and Boehner slept off the hangovers in the Rose Garden.
Do it for America, guys. Get UN shithoused.
[H/T: The Atlantic Wire]