I was sitting with a group of guys the other night doing what Dudes do; talking about chicks, watching “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on mute, and listening to the new Taylor Swift album on full blast. You know, Dude Stuff. In addition to the Dudes there was the token “girlfriend at the pregame” who sat in silent judgement of the whole thing. Kim Kardashian came up and everyone agreed that we’d “totally bone her” (if she were lucky). At this point, the token girlfriend erupted. She said that the only reason we would bang Kim was because the TV was on mute (valid point) and that she can’t see how a guy could consider Kim Kardashian to be hot. This is the main difference between girls and guys. Guys are dollars and cents. Kim Kardashian has a big ass and boobs with striking eyes. This is hot. We want to bone. For a girl there’s a lot more to dissect. Kim Kardashian is dating Kanye and she likes Pinkberry and she seems kinda sorta bitchy at times. So who could want to bone her? The answer, as always, is every guy. This same dissection applies to certain “girl looks.” Girls think some looks just aren’t as hot due to the context. But guys don’t see context, we see a girl in the sports jersey of our favorite player who we now want to bed (which is totally not gay). Here are some other underrated looks:
Girls hate the baseball hat girl which is why they don’t like the baseball hat look. Girls think of the baseball hat girl as someone who would do anything to be one of the guys. Guys see the hat and think, “Whoa she’s just like my buddy Dave but with boobs and a vagina and I get to watch her eat a hotdog.” Then we all hide our boners in unison.
Tell a girl she looks good in her work clothes and she will always say something self deprecating like, “These are just work clothes” or “This blazer makes me feel like Ellen Degeneres’ kept woman.” What they don’t know is that guys are into it. I go on the subway every day and instantly fall in love everytime I walk into a new subway car. My eyes dart around like a kid at a zoo full of pencil skirts. I think if men in the 50’s and 60’s knew where workplace fashion was heading then they would have been happier about the women’s movement. “The women will always look like they do in the sexy secretary porno? And all I will have to do is make less money and stop referring to every chick as “some bitch?” Well, maybe not. But work clothes are hot.
The pony tail doesn’t get its due. To chicks it’s an old standby. They only wear one when they’re trying to "get shit done." So it isn’t thought about as often before going out. The thing is, I’ve been at bars and had discussions with Dudes more times about the “chick with her hair back” than I have about the 700 other girls with their hair down. The tight pony tail makes girls look a little bit evil, like they’re some henchwomen for a James Bond villain. All guys want a little evil. Somewhere between laughing at a homeless guy (evil) and asking if her grip is too tight on our balls (not evil enough).
Big Warm-Looking Sweatshirts
We know you got it from your last boyfriend. We know it doesn’t make you look skinny. We know that we hate the Jets and it isn’t sexy that every time you wear it we think of Rex Ryan. We know! There’s just something about a chick in a big comfy sweatshirt that gets guys going (sidenote: Must be hooded. The crewneck sweatshirt makes us think of the sweatsuit which then makes us think of fat women with short haircuts in the midwest. Real boner killer.) What I’m saying is Dudes want girls to be like big comfy pillows with vaginas without being fat. Can you do that? Please? (Also, I’ll be starting a new company called “Sexy Vagina Pillows.” Creepier than a Fleshlight but way more effective.)
I encourage any girl to ask her long term boyfriend what they think about her completely changing her hair. You will get one of two responses - “Do whatever you want.” (smart guy) or “Umm Ya... (sweating getting hot) do it... (thinking of the possibilities) go for it …. (sweating, thinking about the makeover scene in “She’s All That”) you look hot no matter what (cums in his pants)” (unprepared, dumb guy). Girls hate to change it up too much because that’s really normal. But guys aren’t normal. We want sex with seven different women but with the same woman. Get it? (Every guy is currently nodding)
A girl who wears fake glasses knows and understands that glasses are hot and that is why she wears fake prescription glasses (she’s also a horrible girl to date, she’ll start using a fake cane and telling people she got hit by an I.E.D. while serving our country in Afghanistan if it will bring her attention).
Girls who have to keep glasses by their bedside because they can’t see don’t think they look hot and don’t utilize them to their fullest. If you’re dating one of these girls then tell her that her glasses are sexy and she’ll say, “MY GLASSES?!?!” In a nasally voice as if she’s Steven Q. Urkel. Glasses are always hot to guys because they’re nerdy and any time we can feel more macho and manlike, then it’s hot (i.e. protecting a girl in a fight, saying “what’s Honey Boo Boo?” even though we already know, wearing shoes with lifts on them … umm I mean... who does that?).
I know that every girl reading this (if any) thinks I’m absolutely insane. I hear you and you’re probably correct. Here’s the thing, in every social circle there’s a girl that other girls can’t accept as attractive even though every guy disagrees. They can’t understand it, they talk about it, and when you ask about her they always answer with, “Guys think she’s hot.” Just like the drastic haircut, it isn’t about understanding, it’s about accepting. Accept that a baseball hat is hot. Accept that the girl guys love (but no other girl knows why) is hot. Accept that guys will have sex with a Sexy Vagina Pillow.
Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more information about Sexy Vagina Pillows. You can check out his latest video from the Flugtag here.