Life
by Brandon Cohen on May 27, 2014

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Just in time for summer, a booze-infused slushie, Phrosties, has blown up over the past couple days thanks to countless self-righteous news stories about the alcoholic “menace.” Once again, the people who wouldn’t actually use a service are ruining it for those of us who would.

Like a narcissistic teenage girl, the delivery service does everything entirely through Instagram. After they accept you as a follower, you text a number on their profile with your Instagram handle and address. Within hours, the sugar-hooch mixture arrives at your door for $10 a pop. At the time of this writing, it seems that they’ve disabled their handle after all the unwanted national attention and threats of a federal investigation.

Why are NYC regulators in such a tizzy? Something about how unregulated liquor sales are “illegal,” and how buyers of the drink have no idea what they’re putting in their bodies. I have no idea what I’m putting in my body when I eat McDonald’s, but that’s never stopped me.

The drinks are supposedly strong and tasty, which significantly adds to their danger appeal. I, for one, am outraged that I haven’t had the chance to try one. Unlike the countless media sources who have come down on the service for their “irresponsibility,” I think they are doing God’s work. If anyone from the company reads this, I beg of you, please contact me on Twitter, so that I can sample your goods. I have journalistic integrity as a reviewer, and will give your product a fair shake.

If the federal investigatory threats have doomed the business, I happen to have my own secret family recipe that’s been passed down for generations, which I am happy to share with you all.

  1. Make Kool-Aid
  2. Combine Kool-Aid with ice and Everclear in blender
  3. Blend
  4. Drink

Or, if that’s too complicated -

  1. Buy a Slurpee at 7/11
  2. Pour Everclear in your Slurpee
  3. Drink

I don’t have a patent for these recipes yet, so if any of you happen to use this, please just PayPal me $7. Thanks.

[H/T and Image via NY Post]

Brandon Cohen

About Brandon Cohen...

Brandon Cohen was raised by Jew gypsies on the sleepy island of Manhattan, and went on to defy the odds by graduating from a four-year accredited university in Nashville, TN. He's a writer and aspiring street fight videographer. Back in 2008, Brandon talked to Amanda Bynes at a club in LA for over fifteen minutes.