Let me be clear: I have zero faith in other human beings. Thanks to people getting shot, maimed, mugged, and stabbed all the time in New York City and that  day in history called 9/11, my head is constantly on a swivel. So once this new knife party starts kicks off in the friendly skies on April 25th of this year, you can bet my carry-on will be loaded with 2.36 inch knives. Hundreds of them. You know, in case I face a team of terrorists who only had the foresight to bring one knife on with them -- idiots. They won't know what hit them when I'm fucking up their shit, throwing Swiss Army knives at their necks, Marky Mark style. 

Here are all the things you'll be able to carry-on starting April 25, 2013.

According to the TSA:

“Through TSA’s layered approach to security, and to align more closely with International Civil Aviation Organization standards, effective April 25, 2013 TSA will allow knives that do not lock, and have blades that are 2.36 inches or 6 centimeters or less in length and are less than 1/2 inch in width, novelty-sized and toy bats, billiard cues, ski poles, hockey sticks, lacrosse sticks and two golf clubs as part of their carry-on baggage. This is part of an overall Risk-Based Security approach, which allows Transportation Security Officers to better focus their efforts on finding higher threat items such as explosives.”

The sporting equipment is understandable. No one is going to be able to beat someone to death inside a crowded airplane with a lax stick before someone stops them. 

According to NY Daily News:

For the first time since the Sept. 11 terror attacks, the feds will allow airline passengers to carry pocket knives and other potentially lethal items aboard U.S. flights.

“These are popular items we see regularly,” TSA spokesman David Castelveter said. “They don't present a risk to transportation security.”

Box cutters like the 9/11 hijackers used are still banned, but apparently not because the TSA deems them a serious threat.

“There is just too much emotion involved with those,” TSA chief John Pistole said at the Brooklyn press conference where the changes were announced.

Damn, if it wasn't for all that pesky 9/11 "emotion" TSA agents jobs could be easier and they could turn a blind eye to box cutters as well. WHAT THE FUCK? My question is now that they're not banning these small knives, do they have to pull out every single one and make sure it complies with their new size guidelines? Isn't that more work than seeing the the knife in a bag and just confiscating it?