Life
by Andy Green on August 15, 2012

Wilford (Diabeetus) Brimley

Even though records show us that Wilford Brimley was brought into this world in the year 1934, legend states that Wilford was created by Zeus himself. The King of the Gods summoned a mighty wind that whipped through the forest and carried with it a howl of 10,000 timberwolves. Upon Brimley's creation, Zeus hurled a lightning bolt at the boys upper lip and it blossomed into a really sweet silver mustache. He then whispered into Wilford's ear the word that would give him the ability to summon all the might of Olympus… the cry of “DIABEETUS!”

While the whole Zeus thing can't be proven, the factual tale of Brimley is carved out of manly with a rusty bowie knife fashioned in the fires of Mordor. Wilford didn't start his jaunt into employment lightly, his first job was so manly it would make Conan The Barbarian cry like a little girl who stepped on a bee. He didn't make origami… nope. Wilford's first job was as a hammer wielding, molten-metal-fashioning badass blacksmith. If that wasn't manly enough for you, Brimley was also a ranch hand and a bodyguard for Howard Hughes.

Brimley served in the Marine Corps, road in a rodeo and when the acting bug bit him–he smacked it right in it's smartass acting bug mouth. He started out as a stuntman and horse riding extra in movies. His first appearance on screen was as an uncredited extra in the John Wayne classic 'True Grit.'

Wilford has been the same age of his character in 'Cocoon' for hundreds of years and has personally been choke slamming diabeetus since 1979. Wilford we salute you and have carved your name into the walls of glory. We respect you out of fear and hope you and your mustache stay 77 years old for another millenium. HAIL WILFORD BRIMLEY, A TRUE BROLYMPIAN!

Here's Wilford Making You Feel Like a Pussy for Not Eating Oatmeal

Andy Green

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