This Bull Is The Ron Jeremy Of The Animal Kingdom

When it comes to laying pipe and spreading seed, Ron Jeremy sits atop a throne of gold and ivory that no man can even begin to aspire to, and this bull is basically the Ron Jeremy of the animal kingdom.

Toystory is a 2,700-pound bull that was recently laid to rest, but not before siring over an estimated 500,000 offspring over the course of his lifetime. Let that sink in for a moment, one solitary bull, a bull known on the streets as ‘King Dingaling’, he managed to produce over a half a million babies throughout the course of his life.

Born on May 7, 2001 at the Mystic Valley Dairy farm somewhere in Wisconsin (because that’s where ALL cows are born), Toystory ascended to the throne of King Dinaling at a meteoric pace. According to the WSJ, even the ‘cream of the crop’ bulls only manage to spend a few years splooging into cups and selling their sperm (because everything is done by artificial insemination these days), but Toystory spent over a decade shooting his loads into cups for un-Godly sums of money.

Toystory passed on Thanksgiving Day of 2014, at the time of his death Toystory’s handlers tracked his splooge output to an estimated 2.4 million units of super sperm produced. He was filling cups on average 9 times a week throughout the course of his lifetime, which is TWICE the amount of sperm produced by the average bull. Like I said before, this bull was the fuckin’ Ron Jeremy of bulls. When it came to shooting loads Toystory had no peers, for he was the Sultan of Sperm.

Here a few excerpts from the Wall Street Journal’s incredible obituary of Toystory:

Atop a wooded hill here in the heart of America’s Dairyland, an industry legend was recently laid to rest.

It wasn’t some milk magnate or a famed innovator, but an ornery, 2,700-pound bull named Toystory—a titan of artificial insemination who sired an estimated 500,000 offspring in more than 50 countries.

In the increasingly high-tech world of cow reproduction, a top bull’s career tends to last just a few years as farmers chase better genetics to boost milk output and animal durability, playing a numbers game not unlike a Major League Baseball manager.

Rare is the bull with the genes and testicular fortitude to sell a million units of semen, known among breeders as the millionaires club.

Over nearly a decade, Toystory shattered the record for sales of the slender straws that hold about 1/20th of a teaspoon and are shipped using liquid nitrogen to farmers around the world. A unit fetches anywhere from a few dollars to several hundred.

After joining the millionaires club, Toystory surpassed Sunny Boy, a Dutch bull who sold more than 1.7 million units in the 1990s and is memorialized with a life-size statue at the headquarters of his owner in Arnhem, Netherlands.

At his home barn, Toystory’s handlers tracked his march to 2 million units with markings on a homemade “spermometer.” They celebrated the milestone, in 2012, with cake, while the hulking Holstein got extra hay.

When he died on Thanksgiving Day, Toystory had surpassed 2.4 million units according to his owner, Genex Cooperative Inc., and had fans from Brazil to Japan. His prowess was celebrated on hats, T-shirts and even his own commemorative semen straws. Recent posts to the Facebook page of Genex included “He was legend” and “Torazo!”—Spanish for super bull.

With a neck nearly 57 inches around, Toystory was no cuddly show animal. He was blessed with a ravenous libido, typically producing sperm nine times a week, about twice the average of other bulls at Genex. One veterinarian dubbed him “meaner than a snake,” say his handlers, who were grateful some days for the safety fences keeping him penned in.

“The old adage was as long as he was interested in sex, he wasn’t interested in you. But if he lost that other interest, you had to be careful,” said Glen Gilbert, vice president of production for Genex.

Toystory was born on May 7, 2001, at Mystic Valley Dairy farm in central Wisconsin. Owner Mitch Breunig named the promising calf after one of his daughter’s favorite movies.

By the mid-2000s, producers liked what they were seeing in Toystory’s offspring, and sales of his semen started to surge. He scored highly on influential performance rankings watched by the global dairy industry. Straws cost upward of $60 apiece and were in demand at home and abroad. In 2009, Genex says, he entered the millionaires club.

Toystory grew into a global brand through a rare mix of fertility, genetics and looks. His semen was good at getting cows pregnant and his daughters were easy to birth and dependably strong.

Mr. Bierma of Holstein International compared Toystory with a Volkswagen Golf. “Not a fancy car, doing the job every day and for a long time—and not too expensive,” he said.

Toystory’s daughters were also easy on farmers’ eyes, with a good mix of feminine bone structure and the right amount of strength, said Ethan Heinzmann, dairy and genetics manager at Golden Oaks Farm in northern Illinois, which used Toystory semen.

Over the summer, Toystory was hobbled by back problems, and his handlers decided to retire him. Mr. Gilbert feared Toystory wouldn’t make it through the winter and had a grave dug at one of Genex’s farms before the ground froze solid.

His handlers chose a spot atop what is known as Stony Hill to reflect Toystory’s stature. A larger memorial service will be held in the spring when Genex plans to name the breeding campus where Toystory lived after its most-famous bull.

I know that seems long enough to be a complete obituary, but Toystory was an exceptional semen-producing bull, and with that comes an exceptionally long obituary. To learn more about the incredible life of Toystory and read the full obituary on the WSJ you can click HERE.

And to see Toystory doing what he loved best here’s a GIF (and a video below):