Beer labels have been getting the conservative community’s proverbial panties in a wad for years. It seems that while independent brewers are fighting to coming up with creative ways to compete against major beer corporations, the government is working against them, simply because of what is printed on the labels.
So, in the spirit of controversy and beer, we managed to dig up five of the most insensitive and offensive beers being sold on the market today.
1. Death from Above
One would think that with the Vietnam War having ended some 40 years ago, that it would be safe for beer executives to firmly press their forked tongues inside their cheeks and release an American-styled brew with a Vietnamese slant -- eyeballed at “playfully” mocking a combative war effort that unfortunately, claimed the lives of nearly 60,000 U.S. service members.
Although, apparently, there is no statute of limitations on bad taste, as a new beer called “Death from Above: Indochine Pale Ale”, featuring helicopters showering the Vietcong with napalm across the brands advertising, is now under siege by some American veterans that find the brewery’s marketing plan “cheap” and “disrespectful.”
Come on – everyone knows that you can’t judge a book by its cover or a beer from its label. After all, we’d be willing to bet our Full Metal Jacket 25th Anniversary Edition Blu-ray that this brew doesn’t actually taste like incinerated humans lying face down in a rice field. That’s just sick, and there is no way that’s going to win any beer festivals – maybe in North Korea.
Incidentally, the pissed off American hop featured on the poster would make a killer tattoo to show off down at the local VFW.
2. Old Leg Humper
We’re not entirely sure what is so insensitive about the label for Old Leg Humper, except that these three high-end skanks appear to be ignoring the fact that this droopy-eyed black lab may need to go outside to do his business. Look at his face –that is not the look of a dog prepared to unleash his red rocket for the sake of making these girls’ shin bones a little sticky. No, sir, all this pathetic pooch wants is for someone to let him out of the bar so he can pull the old hike-and-squirt routine on a couple of car tires.
At any rate, Old Leg Humper is made by the boys over at the Thirsty Dog Brewing Co., which may or may not have something to do with them giving their brew clever names associated with the doggie lifestyle. Dear Mister brewmaster –we would like to see the label to Old Leg Humper get a little more controversial, but we do understand that it can be tough to market a brand with even a hint of implied bestiality. That’s why we propose you change the name to Old Keg Humper, because no beer drinker alive is going to be mad at a label with a dog on it trying to get a keg of beer pregnant. You’re welcome!
3. Birra Dalla Storia Hitler (aka Hiter Beer)
Well, you certainly shouldn’t expect to see Hitler beer being featured as the craft brew of the month down at the Holocaust Museum, nor should you expect to receive outstanding customer service when asking a kosher market if they have De Fuhrer brews it in stock. The fact is most of the world’s population finds Adolf Hitler to be one of the most repulsive human beings to ever attempt to make the world a better place by breeding prettier babies.
Even though it appears that Hitler beer is more of a historical homage than an alcoholic celebration of the Third Reich, we can clearly see how it could be viewed as insensitive. Seriously, what would happen if the Boston Beer Company decided to slap the faces of the Tsarnaev brothers on a new brew called Samuel Adams Boston Bomber? Talk about insensitivity –- Timothy McVeigh was bombing innocent people before the Tsarnaev brothers were even out of diapers – and he was American!
Truth is, psychopaths and mass murderers do not deserve to be immortalized on beer labels - even if they do look like Charlie Chaplin.
4. Polygamy Porter (photo at top)
What is most offensive about this beer is not that the name was borrowed from the biblical standards of Old Testament folklore, but that it only has an alcohol content of 4%. Let’s get real – if you want to call you beer Polygamy Porter and have a tagline like why just have one, then you had damned well better make sure that there is enough booze in every bottle to help us guys juggle several wives…and mistresses, too.
Perhaps changing the name of this beer to Orgy Porter and then bumping the alcohol content up to around the 10-12% mark would help lend to the mass appeal of this freakishly Mormon-esque piss water. Listen, all we’re saying is that most men only have one wife, and when they drink, they typically do so in order to forget about being married to her. And unfortunately, no man can afford to drink enough to stop thinking about more than one.
5. Before and After
Should something really be labeled as insensitive if the overall message is inherently true? Take, for example, Before and After Triple Bock – all this brew is really trying to say is that drinking beer has a way of making ugly women seem more attractive. Now, how can we argue with that? We’ve all been there. In fact, there is an old saying floating around that goes a little something like this: Beer, helping ugly people get laid since 3100 BC.
That’s because even before Jesus was born, beer has been an integral part of making both men and women look more sexually appealing to one another. Otherwise, it may have taken forever to overpopulate the world, and every child given the precious gift of life may have missed out on certain alcohol fueled crap shoots, like birth defects and how much fun it can be to ride in the back of the short bus. Don’t get us wrong, we’re not blaming the philosophies behind Before and After beer for the degradation of modern society. Although, it is rumored in some parts of Kentucky, this label actually transforms from old hag into a first cousin.
Follow Mike Adams on Twitter @AdamsSoup