Life
by J. Camm on August 28, 2012

Q: I was at a crossroads last night. My girlfriend came home from work and she wanted to have sex. That’s great and all, but I jerked off 10 minutes before she got home and wasn’t in the mood anymore. What’s the best way to handle this in the future?

A: First of all, never confess that you just flushed her good time down the toilet. That's like admitting to a child that you accidently killed his pet with the family car. It's a truth they can't and don't want to handle. So why burden them with it? 

What I’ve grown to learn is this: most girlfriends look at us jerking off the same way as we look at them farting and shitting; they know it’s probably occurring but they don’t like the thought of it. Once they know you're definitely beating your dick — at an off-putting frequency — that idea roots itself in their head and fills them with self-doubt that their guy needs to jerk to keep himself satisfied, which is, of course, one-hundred percent the truth. And a damaging truth, at that. 

Instead, do one of four things:

1. Blame Yourself  — Say you have work you need to get done by tomorrow’s big deadline. She wants you to succeed and provide for her, doesn't she?

2. Buy Yourself an Extra Few Hours  — Tell her that you’re about to hit the gym and you don’t want to kill your workout but promise you'll “save some energy for later.” Now, she may not want to f*ck you later, but that's on her.

3. Fake an illness — You can say you have a stomach pain, a headache, a fever, or even a slight herpes outbreak — if God’s touched you in such a way.

4. Turn Her Off  — Rip ass and proceed to waft into your own mouth. When she glares at you, laugh and say, “How rude of me, would you like a slice of cheese?”

Almost any reasonable excuse will work, but whatever you do, don't say “I can't have sex, I just jerked off” or “I don't really feel like it right now,” those two will not sit well with her or end favorably for you. 

Q: Would you rather: A) have sex with a goat, but nobody ever finds out or B) don't have sex with the goat, but everyone thinks you did and you can't convince them otherwise?

A: Man, I got to tell ya, this is about as retarded a question as you'll ever find, but I'm going to take a swing anyway.

I can't imagine sending my dick into a goat or any other animal, for that matter (so breathe a sign of relief, mom). Just reading this question made me want to vomit because it reminded me of the recent video put out by Vice, whereby they film a Columbian vagabond butt-blasting a donkey. It's life-altering footage that I suggest no one ever watch.

So yeah, I guess I'd prefer to be labeled as a animal sex offender than actually having sexually offended an animal. That, of course, would make me highly unemployable but I could probably still make a decent living writing online under an assumed identity. Waffles McGoatfucker has a nice ring to it. 

Q: Your girlfriend confides in you that she wants to have a threesome. As a card carrying bro, you're all for it. Except for one little detail, she wants the third participant to be a dude. She is really into the threesome fantasy and will do it with or without you. Would you rather, A- Pick a guy with a tiny dick, so yours can look big in comparison. B- Invite your buddy Mandingo over and watch her get rammed with his 13 inch cock. C- Invite your buddy Mandingo over, throw your hands in the air and exclaim “Surprise!” in your best possible gay voice and have your girlfriend watch you get rammed. D- Tell your girlfriend that a threesome with another man, would damage your relationship. However, you'll meet her halfway with a circus midget and a skinny dildo.

A: In my opinion, threesomes with a girl you actually love, and want to stay with, should only ever benefit you. I know that isn't always cool with her, but I'd rather have no threesome at all and keep my sanity, than bring another dude into equation for her pleasure. I can only speak for myself on the matter, but I don't think you can come back from witnessing another dude empty his entire clip onto your girlfriend's face.

In any other scenario, as long as the dude's dick doesn't comically outsize mine, I'm happy to have a comrade join the firefight — if for no other reason than to have a great story to tell my grand kids one day.

Q: Hi. My question is easy I am in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend right now we are closing in on the year, and I love this girl but we are only together weeks some times only for days, and it sucks, plus I have 2 really hot chicks that are all over me here in Miami (she lives in Venezuela) My question is simple is it ok to cheat (there is no possible way for her to find out) or should I ride it out and do the morally correct thing?

A: I've been in this situation and you'll be elated to know that I did the morally correct thing. Provided were both on the same page thinking the morally correct thing is cheating one's face off.

But that's not to say I'm recommending that option.

Your cavalier, I'll-never-get-caught attitude is flawed and misguided. There ARE possible ways she could find out, more than ever before, in fact. Facebook, Twitter, your unlocked cellphone while you're in the shower, these all pose great problems to getting away with this. That's not even factoring in any wild cards, like moronic, loose-lipped friends or a crazy hook-up that is dying to blow your cover if Venezuela Face ever comes to Miami for a visit.

I wouldn't necessarily say it's O.K. to cheat, and I'd never do it again — just easier to break up and save yourself the headache –  but I've been in your exact shoes (loafers, right?) and I empathize with why you're looking to do it; being faithful to someone that's thousands of miles away sucks grandma's farts when you're in college, or your early twenties. Is getting caught worth it, though? Do you want you feel like the biggest piece of shit imaginable (I'm talking the kind of log that'll shift your hole permanently) for doing this to her when you could have avoided it by breaking up?

Whatever you decide to do doesn't make a difference to anyone but you, her, and probably her family/friends. You can break up with her, cheat, or suffer with your palm — truly no one, outside of who I just mentioned, gives a shit. If your situation of long distance is permanent you may as well break it off, it's got a 5% chance of succeeding anyway. If this is temporary (less than a year) gut it out if you love her or, if you don't, suggest “taking a break” so you can spread your nut butter all over Ocean Drive and then see what happens when you both live in the same city again. 

Q: Hi, sooo this is kind of awkward, but I'm a tall black girl, (size 4, D boobs, a white girl ass) but I swear you've never met a whiter black person I swear. If I were actually an Oreo, I would be double stuffed. (Take that the way you will) In the past, I've hooked up with mainly white Bros, but I'm afraid that in college, I will only be approached by black guys and the occasional token black Bro! I mean, there's nothing wrong with these guys, but I do enjoy a little variety!

A: I’m sorry, was there a question here?

Black, White, Asian, Indian, Male or Female; anytime you go outside the “norm” there will be some people that find you attractive and some that don’t. You won’t be able to change that, but these days there are a lot more people (fuming racists, excluded) that are colorblind when it comes to relationships and what really matters is if you’re f*cking ugly or not and the amount of gusto you put forth when you blow a man. If you have those two attributes in your favor, skin tone will never get in your way of mixing it up with a few white dudes.

Q: My roommate ordered playboy for the house. Is that cool or lame?

A: Cool, that he is helping a dying company stay afloat while giving you guys something decent to read on the shitter. (Playboy really does have good articles). Lame, and kind of concerning, if he bought it just for the nude photos (given where our society is currently at with easy access to online porn).

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