Life
by Jared Freid on January 10, 2013

Make Sure Your Girlfriend isn’t Pregnant
The first time you meet her parents is not a good time for surprises. It’s also the worst time to feel out their views on abortions.

Play it Cool
There’s nothing worse than the guy who walks into his girlfriend’s house like he owns the place. Don’t be the guy who hugs the mom, comments on the drapes, and takes off his shoes but keeps his socks on. No strong-dick’d man worth his salt even OFFERS to take off his shoes. You should walk in with a quiet confidence that says, “I’ve had sex with your daughter but I went down on her first, like a true gentleman and scholar.” Her Dad should look at you and think, “I don’t like him, but God Dammit at least he treats her right.”

Own the Handshake
Everyone knows that you should give her Dad a strong handshake. A dead-fish handshake only tells him that at some point you’ll be asking for money to start a pottery painting studio in a strip mall. That handshake with Dad needs to be firm so at some point he can introduce you to his buddies without them thinking you might be suffering from an early stroke. The real question is how do you shake Mom’s hand? You go too hard and she thinks you’re Chris Brown before an awards ceremony. Too soft and she feels like she should buy her daughter a vibrator. I say go somewhere in between, soft enough to make her know you care yet hard enough to make her wet.

Make the Right Drink Choice
What you get to drink tells her parents everything they need to know about you as a person. Order a Natty Light and they will think you lack maturity for a real long term relationship (but you’re still pretty awesome). Order a Martini and they will think you’re pretentious (but you look like a stud). Order a white wine and they’ll think you’re too easy going (but totally refreshed by the balanced acidity). Order a cosmo and they will think you’re looking to get so hammered that you might wake up half-naked in Harlem next to a girl who looks like Precious (or the kid from The Blindside…same thing). Order a Scotch on the rocks and her Dad will think you’re trying to establish dominance (which you are). The best choice? Order the same thing as her Dad and then yell, “Twinsies!”

Check Them Out
The theory goes that one day your girl will look like her Mom. This is only half true. She will look like a combination of her Mom AND Dad. So if her mom looks good but her dad looks like an old-timey gold prospector (complete with a hat with a bullet hole) then you’re screwed. So how do you know that you’ll still be attracted to her when you’re gray and old? Here’s what you do: since offspring share features, you need to make a judgement by looking at specific things about her Mom and Dad. How does Dad’s butt look? Is Mom losing her hair? Does Dad’s nose look like it’s melting off of his face? When Mom’s arms are straight do her elbows look like recently chewed gum? During dinner, look deeply at her Dad’s mouth. Watch him chew. Watch how he licks his lips. Imagine those lips and your lips becoming one. Are you hard? Are you sexually confused? Yes? Now marry his daughter with the sexy Dad mouth. 

Wear Appropriate Clothing
Your “Heineken Spring Break” tee-shirt is a perennial classic, but should be reserved for casual nights spent drinking 35 or 40 cold ones. You look great in a tie, but isn’t that too formal? No, not if you play it right. Keep the tie (stay with your tried and true dark-blue shirt/black tie combo aka Fucktown Apparel), but throw a curveball down below with a nice, freshly washed pair of jeans, preferably with a hammer loop on them and at least two extra pockets that you never use. As the old saying goes, “The Clothes make the man,” and that outfit just made you a suave-ass carpenter. “Ballroom dance competition? Where do I sign up? Oh wait, someone needs a shed built first? Hand me my sawzall.”  Her Mom will swoon and Dad will beam with pride. Don’t forget the braided belt.

Jared Freid is a New York City-based comedian. Follow him on Twitter @jtrain56 for videos, columns, and more events perfect for carpenter jeans. You can also subscribe to his Facebook page here.