Believe it or not, we are slowly, but surely, living in a post-racial society. Sure, 2014 has been a bizarre and sometimes hilarious year for racism, but we are definitely making some progress. Gosh darn it, black guys and white guys are hanging out together!
And let’s be honest with ourselves, Bros. Bars play a very important role in our lives. Having the color of your skin affect your night is so 1968 of you.
WALKING INTO THE BAR
People are going to notice that you look different, but if you are in a decent establishment with good friends, there is nothing you should worry about. The record won’t abruptly stop, people won’t drop their forks in shock, and women won’t start crying. Other than the standard, “Oh look, a white/black guy is here”, no one will really notice your presence as anything out of the ordinary.
FYI: if you receive any especially seedy looks, get called any racial slurs, or sense that physical violence may occur, you should get the fuck out of there. I shouldn’t have to tell you that, though.
White Guy: Rap music is probably going to play more than it’s not. Shocking, I know. But let’s be real, if you’re the only white guy at a predominantly black establishment, you probably enjoy Hip Hop. In the event that you don’t, the average white person knows all of the words to 3-5 Drake songs despite having zero Drake songs on their iTunes library.
Black Guy: Fatman Scoop is going to scream at you about having a $100 dollar bill a few times, but other than that, things should be fine. As a black guy that finds himself in a lot of white bars, I use it as an opportunity to find out what’s hot in the pop music world.
“Holy shit, Ke$ha AND Pitbull together? Man, what?!” – thing I actually said at a bar six months ago.
White Guy: Even in the most respectable urban establishment, you are going to get clowned if you dance. It doesn’t really matter what race you are in this situation–if you aren’t Chris Brown or Michael Jackson circa 1989, people are going to talk shit about your dancing behind your back. Keep it simple and always reference Alex “Hitch” Hitchens.
Black Guy: No pressure here, but literally EVERYONE expects you to be able to dance. Not saying that you have to dance, but as soon as “Teach Me How to Dougie” comes on be prepared for everyone to stare you down with glee and excitement. Keep in mind, you don’t have to be the best dancer anyone has ever seen, you just have to be the best dancer in the bar. It’s like being chased by a bear–you don’t have to be faster than the bear, you only have to be faster than other people getting chased by the bear.
White Guy: The forbidden fruit. Let’s call a spade a spade here. White guys aren’t getting with black girls at the rate black guys are getting with white girls. But as I said before, it’s 2014 and people have fuck-it lists to accomplish. If you haven’t hooked up with a black girl yet, this is historically the best time to try. (Robin Thicke has done no one any favors this week.)
Black Guy: Odds are, some girl at the bar is into black guys. Yeah, her father probably hates black people, but that’s not your problem at the moment. All that matters is that she wants to rebel with YOU. If you are wise, you can leverage your “just good enough” dancing skills to display the smoothness and rhythm that she stereotypically expected a black guy to have. Yeah, it sounds a little wrong, but all is fair in one night stands and war.
I mean, Macklemore won Best Rap Album and Russell Wilson appeared in the most swagger-less white barbershop based commercial ever. Barriers are being broken, Bros. Get drunk as hell wherever you please.
I want more like this!
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