Life
by Fitz E Fresh on April 25, 2014

tinder-pic

Submit your Ask a Babe questions below. 

Q: So I finally meet this girl from Tinder who had already flaked on me twice. We end up going back to her place, and we fuck all night. No condom. She said stuff like, “Fill me up, baby,” and I did, like 4 times (we were both wasted). She told me she loved me (we just met!).

The next day she’s talking to her parents on the phone, and they’re picking her up to go to a concert together. Girl asks if I’d wait for her at her beautiful apartment (again, we just met each other), and that she’d be back soon with Chinese food and alcohol and sex. Okay. A couple hours go by and I get a text from her, “Babe, not coming home.” She then asked if I was staying. I didn’t reply, even though I did end up staying. I was comfortable and the Final Four was on and she had a packed fridge. Next day she texts me if I was mad, but I pretty much just ignored her. Then, about a week later she texts me that she misses me. The conversation seemed to be going well and then boom – she stopped writing back. Next day I shoot her a text. Really short reply from her. I call her. No answer. I text her to answer her phone and I try calling again – no answer. That was 2 days ago…

So I’m curious, what the fuck is going on with this girl? Is she crazy or what? Is this some kind of game?

A: Bish. Sounds. Straight. Cray.

Out of curiosity, have you hit the STD clinic since your most recent encounter with this chick? If not…run.

Don’t walk. Then return for the remainder of this advice.

If something feels fucking strange, it’s probably because it is. And conveniently enough that applies at both a physical and emotional level.

I won’t say I don’t know couples who met through unconventional mediums, but it’s really just no goddamn surprise to me that you guys met on Tinder.

Q: If you could have a threesome with any two people, one has to be another girl. Who would it be?

A: Solid question, breau. And SoOoO many viable options for the dream team.

For me, it genuinely goes without saying that a threesome would involve one girl and one guy rather than two other dudes waving their dicks around hoping to be first to be attended to.

I’m not into that. One dick = plenty of dicks.

Anyways.

Beyond that you sort of want to anticipate equal playing fields. Nobody wants to be mid-threesome thinking, “Damn, she legitimately has a six-pack. Do I look like shit from this angle?” But at the same time you don’t want to waste your shot at three-way love on some mediocre third party.

And finally, you basically want to select the hottest dude possible, setting a standard for who is worthy of splitting their sexual attention with another chick.

With that said, Ryan Fucking Gosling, do me now.

I know; its cliche. In fact, I might venture to say it’s the most cliche thing about me, as a person, period.

But I don’t fucking care. I’d bang him in the middle of a busy sidewalk while my coworkers and grandmother walked by (Sorry grandma) without thinking twice.

The man, is all that is man. And for that reason I’d do just about anything to hop in the sack with him.

Including, but clearly not limited to, sharing him with another lady.

Which brings me to my next point; I would ideally share that temple of a body with Cara Delevigne.

Yeah I know, you’re not upset about that.

I dig her lez vibes and frankly, think it would put all odds in my favor.

Desipte Ryan’s sinister good looks, the mere presence of my vagina would turn Cara’s attention to me, which Ryan would then have to vie for.

Think that’s selfish? Well I don’t give a fuck. This is my goddamn threesome, NOT YOURS, OKAY?

(Pause for updating storage in SpankBank)

And we’re back.

Actually, I’ve got a thing. Just came up on my iCalendar. Talk to u guyz l8r.

Q: I have a question that is really bothering me. My really good friend and future roomie who has a hot sister and extremely hot cousin. My friend does not like me talking about his family like that, but I can’t help it both are dimes. I obviously don’t want to make things awkward since we will be roommates in the near future, but I want to continue to pursue his hot cousin. He has told me not to talk to her but I do anyway. Should I keep this up and risk getting into a fight with him or just stop?

A: Since when is it your fault when your friends have attractive siblings? God knows I’ve never let that stop me, and I don’t know why it should you.

If anything the guy should be flattered. Sure, it’s probably fairly awkward for him, but he can get over that. I happen to think it’s pretty shitty that he’s cockblocking his best friend and relative AT THE SAME TIME.

These are the things you can try to control, but never fully will.

Maybe if he plays his cards right, someday he can write a speech for your bachelor party.

Q: So recently started dating this chick who is fucking awesome and hot as all hell but she’s self conscious about the fact that she’s put on a little weight. Now this is no problem for me, but she hates it yet hasn’t really done anything to fix it. So should I let her wallow in her misery about putting on a few pounds that no one but her cares about or should I risk coming off as an asshole when I start saying “Do you wanna hit the gym with me babe?” Thoughts?

A: I appreciate the sensitivity surrounding the approach, for sure. Sometimes us chicks appreciate a little hand holding even when we don’t realize we do.

But as always, you must tread lightly–a woman’s weight is quite possibly THE single most sensitive subject you can attack or even approach. And god knows you want to avoid the claws coming out.

So you enlist the roundabout method; get results by influencing them subtly rather than bluntly. Meaning, suddenly you’re interested in your own health too. You want to work on building more muscle to be sexier for her, so you’ve decided to start eating cleaner, less fattening meals. Shit, you’re even cooking it yourself. Diet meal under the guise of a date night? Not to toot my own horn, but I think that’s sort of fucking genius.

In terms of exercise you guys can start “motivating each other”; Getting up at the same time for the gym, or taking a yoga class together.

As time passes weave in regular compliments on how great she looks, and how that makes her feel on the inside will ultimately reflect on her exterior shell as well.

Q: Are hickeys sexy, if done right? Or just trashy, lame, and not bro-worthy.

A: Hickeys are….a lot of things.

They have the potential to be trashy, for sure. Lame, not as much, considering you’re displaying the existence of your (presumably raunchy) sex life to whoever happens to glance at your neck. Unless of course you chose to cover it with a man scarf.

More often that not they’re just entertaining, so long as they’re unintentional.

The funniest for me is when a guy friend shows up to a cocktail party or family dinner with his usually open shirt buttoned all the way up; at which point I take full advantage of exposing him to his family as the dirty dawg he is, while he squirms and considers why the fuck he ever let that girl bite him so hard.

If however, on the flipside of intentional you request that a girl attend to your neck for an extra long and extra suctioned amount of time, that’s what I’d classify as anti-bro. Sure, the general public won’t have a sense of how genuine that neck bruise is. But you will.

Final advice: stray whenever possible. All other times, just own it.

Submit your Ask a Babe questions below. 

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