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8 Reasons Why Time Warner Cable Is the Worst Company on Earth

By / 10.07.13

1. They're a fucking monopoly. 

According to my building super and other cable companies' websites, Time Warner is the ONLY cable option for my building. The fuck? I thought this was America. I went to the movies yesterday and was allowed to pick what movie I wanted to see out of a choice of 12. Today I took the subway to work, but I could have taken a cab or even walked if I wanted. I ate steak last night for dinner because quinoa sucks. Time Warner Cable is the quinoa of cable companies. I'm in an arranged marriage with the worst girl in the world.

2. The picture freezes constantly.

Without warning, the picture will go original Nintendo on me and freeze for minutes at a time. It's always at the best times too, either right when a game-winning shot leaves the player's hand or right before Halle Berry shows her boobs in Swordfish.

3. The DVR rarely records the entire show.

If it records more than 35 minutes of an hour-long show it's a huge victory. I still don't know who the Bengals cut on the last episode of Hard Knocks or whether Melissa and Theresa were able to reconcile by the end of last night's RHONJ reunion. (That would be Real Housewives of New Jersey. Relevant info about Jimmy T. —Editor)

4. Their On Demand has nothing.

It has fewer options than a Valentine's Day restaurant menu. God forbid I want to catch the last 25 minutes of the show my DVR just butchered. The only shows they offer On Demand are Keeping Up With The Rich Annoying Morons and the fucking Big Bang Theory.

5. The remote and the cable box hate each other.

Remember when you were a kid and used to point the remote in the opposite direction of the TV to change the channel and thought it was the coolest thing in the world? You definitely didn't have Time Warner. If my remote isn't pointed DIRECTLY at the cable box and I'm not pressing the buttons like I'm performing heart surgery, I'm stuck watching whatever's already on. Not only that, turning the cable box and the TV on at the same time is like one of those sitcom scenarios where someone is trying to get into a car while the driver keeps hitting the lock/unlock button and they're never on the same page.

6. I didn't have CBS or Showtime for weeks.

Because a bunch of rich pricks I've never met are greedy assholes, I couldn't watch the last two rounds of any golf tournament in August. If they had let this standoff go into NFL season, I would have hung a “BAD CABLE” banner from my apartment window.

7. They're downright mean. 

My last name ends with the letters Z-Y-C-K-I. From Day 1 they've had “D-Y-C-K-I” on my cable bill like they're a 3rd grade bully. They refuse to change it because they don't know how. 

8. The only thing worse than watching them is calling them. 

I called them last week because my bill was about $80 too high and sat on hold for the entirety of Titanic. Of course the movie froze right before Kate Winslet showed her tits.

This originally appeared on Jimmy's blog Jimmys Very Unusual. Find an archive of his BroBible stuff here.


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