Memorial Day weekend is only a few days away and that means one thing: eating sausages with your bros! Wait, ok well it means a little more than that. It means it’s time to have a party. But what!?!?! How can I suddenly transform myself in to a cool cat like you Mike!?!
First, don’t say ‘cool cat’ unless you’re a Black Jazz musician from the 60s. Oh you are? Well shit, my bad, I love your music!
And second, listen to my advice. I’ve been to many Memorial Day BBQs. Some end with a girl in tears, a guy in a headlock and guacamole all over the ground. And some suck.
Here are some tips for success:
Have a Grill:
I know this sounds like common sense but I’ve showed up to a BBQ only to see a few pizzas and a George Foreman grill. This doesn’t count. If you don’t have a grill you don’t have jack. Also, get jack cheese.
Invite some wildcards:
We all know Joe, Chuck and Mark are showing up, they’re your buds! And hey maybe Chuck will bring his girlfriend, she once told a fun story about doing karaoke drunk! But to really get things going, invite your neighbor who is building a fallout shelter. Call that substitute teacher who tried to sell you meth. Reach out to your old high school teammate who sells his own blood out of his van. Could this backfire? Of course! But it could also make things awesome when you find yourself drunkenly hanging off the roof with a hand grenade yelling “Fuck the Police!”
Have at least a couple of Super Soaker 150s lying around. What’s the point of winning the Cold War if we don’t hold on to all of our post war glory? Plus now that 24 is back on Fox [SPONSORED POST], we can all pretend to be Jack Bauer.
Have some games ready to play:
Cornhole is fun, so is flip cup. You know what isn’t? Scrambling to find cards so you can play Asshole for the 90th time. Social, everyone drink! Umm, no thanks.
You don’t have to have a 7-course meal ready to go but a few choices never hurt anybody. Burgers or chicken, that kind of thing. Nobody likes the guy on the grill who says “What do you want, hot dogs or hot dogs?!” Haha fuck you Jeremy.
There’s nothing sadder than giving somebody a freshly cooked burger and realizing the only condiments in the fridge are a bunch of year-old soy sauce packets. Side note, throw those fucking packets out. Nobody is using them.
Everyone is aware you’ve recently discovered podcasts. Yes they’re awesome and yes there are a million of them. But the last thing I want to hear while I’m trying to binge drink is Ira Glass telling a story about endangered porcupines.
Don’t talk about work:
Yes Tuesday you have to go back to your job of crunching numbers into an Excel spreadsheet while your boss tosses around clichés like “let’s touch base” and “all hands on deck” but don’t fucking bring it up. Work sucks, for everyone. Unless you work directly for Jon Taffer nobody wants to hear about your boss.
Punch the biggest guy in the mouth:
When everyone is watching, go up to the biggest guy and drill him square in the face. It lets your fellow inmates know not to fuck with you in the clink. Wait, I think this may be a tip for another list. But hey, try it at the BBQ, maybe it works everywhere!
So there it is. Now go out there and have fun. You’re young! Oh right, you’re a Jazz musician from the 60s. Whatever man! Memorial Day BBQs are for everyone…even that guy building the fallout shelter. JUST DO IT! [THIS POST IS NOT SPONSORED BY NIKE, WE SWEAR].
[Image via ShutterStock]