Life
by Victoria McKenzie on April 19, 2013

 

The Friend with Benefits
Your FWB is someone who has always been in your circle of friends but just recently got really hot or broke up with her douchebag boyfriend. You’re attracted to each other, you both have needs but neither of you have plans of settling down anytime soon. On nights when you have no chance of getting lucky, or if you’ve hit an unfortunate dry spell, why not fulfill each other’s needs?

Some bros make the mistake of jumping into an FWB setup too early and the rules are not clearly established. This always leads to confusion and a drunken fight over how she thought she “meant” something to you. Keep it real and lay down your hard limits before hooking up. Tell her you’re not looking for anything serious and if she’s cool with keeping it casual you’re cool with giving her multiple orgasms.

When it comes to an FWB one of the golden rules in sex etiquette will be broken. In this situation the girl doesn’t come first; your friendship does. If it starts to get weird – end it. She can’t get jealous if she sees you at the bar hitting on other girls and you can’t get protective when another bro buys her a drink and tries getting in her pants. At the end of the day you’re friends and nothing more. If it starts to feel like your friendship is getting jeopardized then you’re doing it wrong.

The Out of Town One-Night-Stand
This girl started out as a fling but she conveniently is around from time to time when you’re feeling lonely. After the first night you slept together, she snuck out before you woke up so you figured you’d never see her again.. Kanye shrug – you could care less. But then you got a pit in your stomach as you realized that she might not be on the pill.

She now knows where you live so she’ll know where to find you when it comes time to hit you up for child support. Shit. You send a text and open the line of communication. After confirming that she takes her daily baby killing pill, you start talking about random stuff. Turns out she’s funny and has some other qualities besides being hot and the idea of sleeping with her again crosses your mind. She tells you that she lives out of town which you vaguely remember her mentioning the night before. However, her sister lives nearby and she visits often. Jackpot.

That was the beginning and from then on whenever she visits her sister she also pays a visit to your bedroom. The trick here is to keep her under wraps. She knows that you’re not planning on getting into anything serious and most likely she’s on the same page. Keep your relationship sex only. When she’s in town – it’s going down. When she’s not – you’re more or less strangers. When you start blurring the lines and going out together in public, you open the door to questioning and Facebook tags. There is no worse cock block then getting tagged in a picture with your number three.

Keep in mind that these relationships never last long. If she’s never been introduced to anyone you know and has never seen you in the outside light, she will become suspicious and start to wonder where you’re hiding your wife and three small children. If she starts complaining about never seeing you outside of your four bedroom walls, you’ll have to either cut her loose or prepare to move her into the FWB category. As stated above, lay down your hard limits before making that transfer.

The Bat Shit Crazy Bitch
This bitch. She started as a very, very drunken mistake but turned out to be phenomenal in bed so now she’s a mistake that you love to keep making. Beware of this psycho though. These girls are usually completely delusional and convince themselves that there is something much more meaningful than there really is. 

For the most part she is best to avoid until later in the night when all other options have failed. If you see her out at the bar she will tag you in her FourSquare check in, insist that you take a picture so she can mupload it and Instagram the shit out of that picture until it looks like an engagement photo with an annoying message like “Loooooook who I fooooooundddddd ;)”

Raping your Facebook wall and making her presence known amongst your social media followers is the digital equivalent of pissing a circle of possession around you and claiming you as hers. This girl will ruin your chances of getting with any other girls and if you cross her she may try to ruin your life.

Overall, you can fly under the radar and get with multiple girls without them being the wiser by keeping a low profile. Don’t brag to your friends about all the girls you’re banging, make your Facebook pictures private and be wary of social circles. Nothing will blow up your spot more than making an obvious attempt to pick up a freshman and finding out that she’s in the same sorority as one of your hook-ups. Or worse case scenario, she’s her little.

Xo,
McKenzie