After graduation, Jesus gives you three weeks when you're allowed to lie around the house decompressing from your four-year bender. That's all you get. If after three weeks you're still farting around your parent's place, smoking your drugs, and munching out on the cookies intended for your still-in-high-school sibling's bag-lunch, well, that pretty much makes you an epic burnout. But you're a smart bro, bro. So smart, in fact, that once your three weeks are up, you're scouring craigslist for dutiful employment. Sick! You're one step closer to being a real human adult. But before you go popping corks and spending cash you haven't yet earned, there's one last obstacle to overcome: The Job Interview. I present, "10 Things You Should Never Do at a Job Interview."
1. Show Up In A Bad Suit
Nothing screams "I have no discernible jobs skills" more than a guy showing up to an interview in the same suit he wore to his Bar Mitzvah. Now chances are you own a suit. And chances are you thought you were the Jay-Z of your campus when you rolled up at your frat's formal in sunglasses that matched the fire engine red of your tie. News flash: Your suit is baggy, loose in the shoulders, and makes you look like a divorced car salesman. Plus, the only people allowed to wear red ties are valet attendants, caterers, and republican congressmen. Keep it business casual: khakis, button down, no tie, nice shoes.
2. Ask About Compensation
There's a time and place for everything, and the job interview isn't the time or place to ask how much you'll be getting paid. Ask about compensation when they offer you the job.
3. Ask About Vacation Days
Same deal. If the interviewer asks, "Do you have any questions for me?" A really stupid thing to respond would be, "Yeah, what's your vacation policy?" That's an inappropriate question for an interview. Again, let that come up if and when you land the job.
4. Memorize Stupid Shit About The Company
Before a job interview there's always the dickhead who thinks that by memorizing a bunch of useless shit off the company's website, the interviewer will ignore his 2.5 GPA and no-name university. Believe me, the job interviewer could give two shits that you know what year the company was founded.
5. Use Stupid Buzz Words
"Team building." "Synergy." "Group Think." These are some of the buzzy corporate words you saw on the company's website and are hoping to sprinkle on top of every stupid thing that comes out of your mouth like "I want to work at your company because I love all the synergy here." That means nothing. You may as well just show up, mumble some shit, and nosebleed all over the dude's desk. It will have the same effect. Namely, making you look like an idiot.
6. Be Super Casual
Look at your track record: Back in college you were the man. Unofficial King of the Campus. Chicks wanted to do you, dudes wanted to be you. And how did you achieve this, dare I say, synergy? You did it by being your super chill-as-hell casual self. So hey, come job interview time, you're just gonna go with what you know to be tried and true. The interviewer opens the door, you greet him with one of your signature fist-bump explosions, and a "Dude, so many smokeshows in this office, am I right?" No, bro. You're wrong. There's a time to be super casual, say, at a massive rager in your boy Anthony's backyard. And there's a time to be super professional, say, when you're at a freakin' job interview.
7. Show Up Without Your Resume
It doesn't matter if you already sent it to them. If you show up without a resume, they'll assume you didn't bring your resume, because you're embarrassed of your resume, because your resume is shit. Your resume might very well be shit. Still, show up with it.
8. Show Up With A Brief Case
You're a recent college grad. It's 2013. Why the fuck would you be carrying around a brief case?
9. Show up Hungover
In college you could pretty much show up hungover to anything with little consequence. In fact, showing up hungover to Econ is the only reason you managed to pull a respectably passable C-. The state of things is different after college, though. You can't just get shitfaced whenever you feel like it, then show up red-eyed and puking to things like job interviews and business meetings, and weddings. If you know you have a job interview tomorrow morning, don't stay out until three on a freakin’ Tuesday night ripping celebratory tequila shots. Save that for when you actually land a job.
10. Be An Idiot
This is a sort of blanket category meant to cover any number of stupid things you might do that I missed. Some things that come to mind: Showing up high, showing up with a silly mustache, showing up with a dumb haircut, showing up in a baseball cap, showing up with a belt clip for your cell phone, showing up late, showing up wearing your Beats by Dre headphones around your neck, lying about your age, lying about your race, bringing up sex, bringing up religion, bad mouthing Obama, bad mouthing Bush, bad mouthing the Jews, neglecting to wear deodorant, dousing yourself in cheap cologne, burping wildly, talking about your parent's divorce, talking about your girlfriend’s pregnancy, mentioning how much you love Dave Matthews, and the list goes on and on forever. If you can imagine an idiot doing something, stop what you’re doing and strongly reconsider doing it.
That’s it. Go hard. Be safe. And good luck because hey, it’s rough as hell out there.
[Internship image via ShutterStock]