Women — see, I’ve written one word and I’m already afraid for my penis’s future — are homo sapiens, yet sometimes their behaviors and decisions suggest they actually may be extraterrestrial beings sent here to compromise our peaceful existence with their perfectly tempting physique and their soft-spoken, gentle nature.
Man. I’ve already said too much, but there’s no going back at this point. And there’s the Catch-22 of writing an article titled “10 Things We’ll Never Understand About Women” — no matter what I say, I am intentionally putting myself in jeopardy of using my hands as tools of pleasure for the rest of my life.
I wouldn’t recommend it to anybody, but somebody’s got to harp on the incessant gossiping, the superfluous shopping and the egregious objectifying. Yes, we men are savage animals and yes, we love to see crop tops or a good pair of jeans shorts, but damn it — put some clothes on!
(Note: I could have easily selected any of the aforementioned three behaviors to add to this list, but didn’t because I have bigger qualms with females, than trivial pleasures they clearly enjoy. It would be like a woman columnist bemoaning men for watching football and eating nachos. Let’s keep the small stuff out of this.)
And yes, I realize before I get going here, I am setting myself up for a lonely, lonely existence.
Get used to it, right hand.
Blowing > Fucking
The decision to blow a guy instead of fucking him is one that will continue to baffle me until I am six-feet under. Why in God’s name would any female want to subject herself to having to suck a dude off — an act that gives them no sexual pleasure, instead of just having sex? Coitus — the physical act of making love, Mr. Lebowski — is an act that both parties can enjoy, whereas a blowjob is a completely one-sided exchange.
I understand that a lot of this analysis doesn’t incorporate relationships and that unhappy time of the month when the vagina bleeds, but this isn’t the audience I am trying to address here. Girls who go home with random guys and don’t sleep with them, but instead blow them and then leave — what the hell is going through your mind? Are you trying to play hard to get? Clearly not. Are you trying not to come off as a slut? Well, you’ve failed miserably. Are you deranged and trying to earn respect in the form of a sexual exchange? You’re more likely to get more respect from your vibrator — an inanimate object — than a guy you just randomly blew. Really, it’s true.
This category could produce an entire article on its own so I will try to summarize without going on a tangent. The dependency a woman has on her current boyfriend — or the vortex she’s created for retreating to her ex — is something that will always frustrate me. I get it, we are human — we like what is familiar to us and trying new things is both scary and unappealing. We also don’t like to admit when things are going bad and we are stubborn toward progress. Therefore, change is slow. We see this in all parts of life.
However, by admitting that, can’t we knock down this cultural behavioral pattern of not being able to escape the past? It’s mind blowing how many girls I’ve talked to that reference their ex-boyfriend’s old habits or mention how many times they got back together before it was finally over (or worse, it’s still going on). Hello ladies, WE DON’T CARE! Anything and everything that has to with the guy who you were with, or are still with, doesn’t concern us. Please, bring these problems to your mom, your friends or your therapist.
The emotions of women are something I’ve tried to understand since a very early age and all that effort has been a gigantic waste of time so anybody who’s still out there trying — please, give up. When dealing with females, no matter how much experience you have, you never really can predict what will happen next. And I think that’s some of the appeal of wanting them to be around — they are exciting and impulsive. While this is fun a lot of the time, when emotions get in the mix its best to stay clear because what happens next isn’t pretty.
Quick anecdote before we move on that encapsulates this point: I was in the city the other week and a group of people — guys and girls — were using their phones as entertainment and reading funny stuff to one another for sheer entertainment. Anyways, one of the girls began reading this letter a random person had posted and her voice began to crack. A minute later, the water works were flowing and her male friend, trying to comfort her, asked what was wrong. The result, not surprisingly for any of us who’ve been in this type of situation, was she exploded on him for no reason whatsoever.
Moral of the story, be patient and don’t make any quick movements or witty comments. If you do, then this will happen…
I have a little theory that all women love to fight. Why else would arguments be so commonplace? Yes, guys are assertive, aggressive and volatile; however, I’ve never met a dude who picks a fight just so he can raise his voice over some trivial matter and bicker endlessly about something that won’t ever be resolved because the origin of the problem is ambiguous.
When a male’s temper rises, it’s usually over stuff of substance — loyalty, pride and responsibility. As for a female, it’s usually about the bathroom seat being left up or some jocular comment you made to one of her friends after five or six beers.
This is another one of those items that deserves an individual article. The time and effort a girl puts into dressing herself up is as nauseating as it is confusing. Between the make-up, the personal grooming of the hair and nails, and the attire, I actually feel kind of bad for them all, but they’re the ones responsible for putting this unnecessary onus on appearance.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again — the ‘look’ of someone is only as important as how they view themselves. In other words, appearance is a self-inflicted scab that we all tend to pick at to worry ourselves. Happiness has nothing to do with look; neither do tranquility, love and freedom.
Public Displays of Affection
Yet another gray area on a list that I thought would get less and less gray — wishful thinking I can see now. Anyways, PDA is really something that fluctuates from girl to girl and there is no way to really telling how each individual handles it until you make a move and they either accept it or reject it. However, it’s a lot more complicated than a simple kiss or non-kiss.
There’s stroking the back, there’s pecking at the neck, there’s clasping of the hands — it all falls under this gigantic, ambiguous umbrella of when, where and how she wants you to show some affection. Again, some chicks don’t ever want any form of PDA, but some are just picky based on who’s watching them and what exactly your physical gesture may insinuate. And then, there are ones that are so needy that they need you to constantly be flirting with them and touching them.
Like pretty much everything else involving women, it’s a crap shooting.
Why do girls go to the bathroom together? Why do girls go to the bathroom together?
Why do girls go to the bathroom together?
It’s a question I’ll repeatedly ask until I get a good answer. I’m still waiting for one…
Unnecessary, Non-Intellectual Comments
Men are guilty of saying dumb things. Men are guilty of saying redundant things. With that said, and there’s no way of proving this, but women just do it more. I don’t think there’s a scientific explanation to help us understand why and maybe that’s the reason we continually find ourselves asking our female friends and counterparts — “What do you mean?”
A perfect example of this is watching a TV show or a sports game with a girl and having her comment in the middle of the scene, play, inning, etc. It’s not actually about a lack of understanding on her part, rather, it’s making a comment for the sake of making a comment. Again, I recognize that men are just as guilty of this, but we tend to do more naturally and less to get others attention. If we want to make a comment, we usually wait to make one when the time is appropriate — at the commercial break.
Similar to PDA, this is a case-by-case basis and that’s what makes it so damn difficult to understand. Why can’t girls universally agree on a beverage to drink? Guys, well most of us anyways, will say, “grab me a beer,” when asked by someone heading to a bar. A girl, on the other hand, will call out some elongated beverage name that is comprised of four or five words that only confuses the person grabbing the drinks.
Now, let me admit, I have dabbled with “girly” drinks in the past and they do taste really good. This isn’t a matter of taste buds — notice, I’ve left food and eating off this list — those are different from person to person. However, universally, women tend to complicate drink orders with the over-the-top named drinks and requests, like when they ask to put a lemon or orange peel in something. The worst though is when some chick requests “one and a half shot” of something in her drink.
This isn’t Starbucks, this is a bar.
Why in the hell are so many girls so dissatisfied? We’ve gone over the fact that their mood swings and they tend to like fighting; however, this goes beyond those two points, or at least I think it does. In all honesty I don’t know if it does, hence the confusion and this article.
Anyways, I’ve met so many females who like to complain about all their problems in life — school, work, parents, but once you listen for long enough it becomes perfectly blatant they have nothing to complain about at all and most of the time they’re just really ungrateful of their own situations. I have this as the last point on this list because it’s such relief to talk to a chick who doesn’t moan about her circumstances and appreciates her life. Not only do they make for better conversationalists, but they’re whole lot less confusing and easier to understand than the rest of their sex.
[Confused bro image via ShutterStock]