My definition of a classic holiday movie is probably a lot different than most people who love watching A Christmas Story or It’sA Wonderful Life every year. Nothing against those movies but aren’t you supposed to laugh your ass off while sipping whiskey and watching a classic holiday movie? Two movies that will never get old and always make you feel all cozy inside are Home Alone and Bad Santa. I take it that 99.9% of the people reading this have seen at least one of these movies if not both of them. What’s funnier than a dirt bag Santa and a fat little kid? Complete genius:
Bar Hopping on Christmas Night
Who knew that there was more to do on the night of Christmas than play Bingo with your boring family? It’s the Big kKahuna so get out there and make some stories that you and your cousins can talk about next year at the dinner table. Mack it with girls who are home from college, have sex outside with a Santa costume on, or, go around town deflating the shit out of all the inflated decorations you see. Every story starts off good when you bar hop on Christmas night.
These are always awesome gifts to get and are always given buy the most expected family members. If you get a gift card one year, expect to get the same one the next year and the year after that and so on and so forth:
• The givers: Aunts & Uncles
• The getters: Broke Nephews
• Average they spend: $25 – $50
• What they’re spent on: Alcohol
• Classic move: The Regift
Presents in the Form of Sexual Acts (From Your Girlfriend)
Nothing says Merry Christmas like a good ol’ trip to Pound Town, USA. This holiday, buying your girl something nice will definitely pay off in the bedroom. I’m not going to get into what exactly you should buy her but you should ALWAYS think with your penis. Going to Victoria ’s Secret is highly recommended and definitely worth the trip (dime pieces looking for lingerie sales, thongs, etc. – enough said). If you’re broke, like me, do what JT and Andy did a few years back.
Saving Money (If You Don’t Have A Girlfriend)
The holiday season is a time of giving but it’s also a time to be thankful for not having a girlfriend to spend your money on. As mentioned above, having a girlfriend and buying her gifts will pay off in some ways but you will also have to spend your hard-earned cash actually buying that broad a gift. The only thing you should spend your money on is the pack of rubbers you pick up before your night of bar hopping so your good to take down Mrs. Claus in the back of a bar’s parking lot!
The Holiday Party
The excuse to get extremely drunk and show all of your coworkers how you treat every weekend, but now you have the opportunity to do so in front of your boss. Whether it’s an office party in NYC or the restaurant you work at decided to throw an in-house banger it’s very safe to say that shit always gets reckless at these parties. Like the Homecoming King and Queen there are always two awards given out but never announced aloud at the holiday party: The first award goes to the coworker that got way too drunk and told you about the herpes he got Junior year of college (or something similar). The second award goes to the office slut that makes out with the most coworkers during or after the holiday party. Everyone will be talking about this the next day at your job. Hopefully you aren’t the ‘herpes guy’ and if you are don’t stress too much because holiday break is right around the corner.
Unless your job requires the same amount of work effort shown in Workaholics, there’s a good chance you’re banking on this week off from work. Some awkward scenarios that might happen at work before leaving for holiday break include:
• Saying Merry Christmas to your Jewish boss.
• Talking to the secretary after hooking up with her at the office’s holiday party.
• Having the same holiday break plans as your annoying coworker.
The End of the World Party: A Night of Havoc
I’m not a believer of what is supposed happen this upcoming December 21, 2012. But, I will be taking part in the worldwide party that will also be happening this Friday. Apparently the world is supposed to end because of some crazy Mayan calendar shit or something like that but the bigger issue here is that these little Mexicans are influencing us in the first place. That being said, the drink of choice throughout the day-night will be mas tequila and Dos Equis. If you don’t know anyone throwing a party, step up and be sure to make a list of the things you hope to accomplish ‘The night before we all die.’
Final Thoughts – If the world is really coming to an end, please DO NOT resort to butt chugging.