Even though we all celebrate different things in many different ways during the holiday season (mine includes watching Uncle Joe get drunk off Eggnog and Grandpa telling sexually disturbing jokes, but that’s neither here nor there) we can all agree that there are certain things we hate, but are always forced to see -- with a few exceptions. Having trouble remembering what you hate to see during this jovial time of year? Here are 8 of them:
Within the past decade, American’s have shifted their creativity by putting various objects on the outside of their cars as a way to tell everyone they’re in the holiday spirit. From Christmas wreaths and lights to red noses and antlers, it makes it very easy to hate how obviously annoying these things are. By now they have lost there originality and nothing puts you more in the holiday spirit than Rudolph the Red-Nose SUV cutting you off on the highway.
The Exception: The Batmobile. Santa would get some serious amounts of ass driving this.
Blown up by millions. Hated by millions. If these were around during Billy Madison’s heyday, fucking with the neighbors would never get old. (Plus you wouldn’t have to take a shit in a brown paper bag). Those signing up for the annual Christmas light contest just got the easy way out but they also have to live with a Christmas light steroid problem and a deflated Frosty the Snowdick laying on the front lawn all day.
The Exception: Jerry Sandusky’s house.
Ugly Sweaters & Ugly Sweater Parties (photo above)
Thanks to Kelly Brook giving us a special holiday treat last week; this was a little easier to write. I don’t know who started this trend or why Ugly Sweater Parties have become so popular these days but no party should be based on how ugly a girl can dress. If girls aren’t dressing up in lingerie like Miss Kelly Brook, the only other acceptable party to have is a Wrapping Paper Party -- which is self explanatory and much better than having sex with a chick wearing a sweater that ranks of cats or unknown shit from Target.
The Exception: Joan Rivers. I recently found out this crack head was almost 80-years-old and cares way too much about her clothes and not her alien-existent face -- which would really complement an ugly sweater.
Pet-Friendly Costumes & Gifts
I’m not a cat guy and can’t stand to see dogs wearing antlers or miniature Santa hats. Enough said.
The Exception: No Clue.
Holiday Card Fails
The previous two sections set me up for this one. The ultimate FAIL holiday cards involve the combination of both ugly sweaters and pets dressed up to match their dedicated owners. There are two types of people who have these types of holiday cards: One, the families that joke around about wearing ugly sweaters and their pets and who also look for props on how funny/original their cards were. Two, the families who seriously believe that they look good with sweaters on and are forced to hide their hard-ons by holding their pet on their lap. Honorable Mentions: Professionally taken pictures in a studio and the classic tropical beach picture that reminds everyone who can’t afford to take a trip to the Caribbean, how awesome the Caribbean really is. Thanks assholes!
The Exception: If you CAN afford a trip to the Caribbean; feel free to take a picture when you’re on the beach and make it your holiday card.
Original Holiday Movies
Thanks to channels like ABC Family and the Hallmark Channel, appalling original movies always come sliding down the chimney this time of year. I would rather eat shit that tastes like ice cream (not really but I just don’t like these movies) than sit through one of these “heartwarming films.” If you’re like me and never tune into those channels to begin with, it’s still kind of impossible to not come across an advertisement in a magazine or a paper or worse, hearing about it from a family member who loves watching these types of movies. They are all the same: Terrible acting, terrible quality and the always predictable, but still terrible, resolution ending.
The Exception: Any movie with John Stamos or Mario Lopez. There’s a good chance they will put some hot-ass dime-ass bitches in any movie these guys are in.
We have all seen the above commercial way too much and I will admit that the first few times I saw it, I laughed. But now it’s just fuckin’ annoying. M&M’s and Christmas don’t necessarily go together like lamb and tuna fish but the Mars company feels the need to constantly feed children lies and junk food by playing this commercial that they think will never get old. The only thing that DOESN’T exist is their ability to make a new Christmas commercial anytime soon.
Celebrity Christmas Albums
It’s always the people who you love to hate or those who contradict themselves by singing songs that are not of their own religion, which really grinds my gears. This is because, like most celebrities who give their kids retarded names, they think they are above society and feel the need to do something no one else is doing. Here are the Top 3 Christmas albums and celebrities that don’t make any sense:
1. The Christmas Album (Vol. 1 and 2) by Neil Diamond. He is Jewish.
2. Christmas Memories by Barbra Streisand . She is Jewish.
3. Under the Mistletoe by Justin Bieber. Because we still hate him for being at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.
The Exception: DMX rapping ‘Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.’
Disclaimer: I actually love this time of year but really do hate the things I’ve listed above. That being said and depending how this article is treated, I might have to follow up with, “Things We Love About the Holiday Season” starting with awesome Christmas movies such as: Bad Santa.