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37 Things We Hate About Porn

By / 11.08.12

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1. The Lack of Initial Filtering
How impossible is it to make a landing page these days? Give the viewer few filtered options so they aren't subjected to something they don't need to see. All you need is three buttons to choose from and then you can get right to your fetish or fix of choice.

This is literally all the porn-mongers out there need to put on a landing page:

CHOOSE ONE!

  • Straight
  • Gay
  • Shit You Can't Unsee

With those opt-ins, no one can accidentally be where they don’t want to be. And maybe it's just me, but when I go on Xhamster, or any other site of ill fame, at no point during my visit do I want to see a shemale dressed in Army fatigues stroking “shis” cock while simultaneously deep throating another.
-J.Camm

2. The Belief That the Answer to All Life’s Problems Is Fucking
If you took your cues from porn, you’d think that a quick bang would fix everything from a broken cable box to an outstanding loan to being caught whacking off by your friend’s hot mom. This is not the case in the real world and it sets one’s brain up for a crippling and boner-killing juxtaposition.

I mean, look at the way schools are portrayed. Everyone is fucking everyone and grades are determined by who wants to be punished the HARDEST. Won’t someone THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

We should, however, try porn’s approach to solving the problems of the Middle East. Get those opposing factions in a room for some DVDA and let’s see who really cares about what after all that.
- Reggie Noble

3. Scenes Shot Outdoors
Nothing about sex in the Great Outdoors is all that fun or comfortable. There’s bugs, ants, dirt, and the inherent, looming threat of public indecency that comes with a lack of basic privacy. These scenes are typically shot by a pool, on a picnic, in the middle of a farmers field, or behind some rocks on a mountain and they all inherently suck. Move it into the bedroom or on a couch or something.
-Stevie Chay Vaughan

4. Ads that Feature Bart Simpson Having Sex with Lois Griffin
Or any other banner ad that features horrifying images of beloved cartoon characters screwing beside the porn vid I so lovingly and carefully pulled up. I mean, I always go full-screen, but I still don’t need to see those for even three seconds. Childhood ruiners, they are.
-Boatshoe Bobby

5. The Share on Facebook and Twitter Option
I once clicked this by accident and it wasn’t during one of those “normal” whack sessions. It was during one of those “it’s Sunday and this is the third time today so I’m going to get adventurous” type of sessions. Lets just say that you never want to get eight “likes” on your Femdom Snake Women suggestion to your friends.
-JTrain

6. “Get Laid NOW” Ads
As if our lives weren’t depressing enough. Also, definitely the first thing I want to pursue after a 45-minute porn sesh
-Bro Jackson

7. Sites With Thumbnails That Aren't Also Rotating Previews
Talk about red tape. I don’t ask for a lot in my porn (although this post makes it seem like I do) but one thing I require is thumbnails that have rotating previews when the mouse hovers over them. It allows the user to know what he’s in for without committing. It saves TONS of time. It was invented by a man us commoners should refer to as GOD. And if a site doesn’t have this feature, I look down at my dick and say “Take a good look at this place, because it’s the last time we’re coming here.”
-J.Camm

8. Casting Couch Videos
They’re either too fake—i.e. an interviewer asking Bree Olson why she wants to be in porn after she’s pretty clearly been in over 200 videos—or uncomfortably real—i.e. the Backroom Casting Couch clips with that creepy blurred-out face guy. Not a fan of either scenario. And not a fan of the amount of knowledge I possess of both scenarios.
-Boatshoe Bobby

9. Spitting on the Dick
God, I hate this. Nothing ruins an otherwise moving blowjob scene like the hocking-up of a loogie. I don’t get this phenomenon. What guy likes getting his member spit on? Who stands idly by in the face of that flagrant disrespect?

Equally unappealing to my viewing is the over-the-top gagging. Look, lady, if it doesn’t fit down your throat, you don’t have to keep trying. I’m genuinely concerned you’re going to die mid-fellatio, leaving me with a case of blue balls as your lips turn blue.
- Reggie Noble

10. Unrealistic Pairings
Guys that don’t look like they should be fucking girls of remotely high caliber shouldn’t be fucking girls of remotely high caliber. It’s really that simple.
-Bro Jackson

11. Pizza Delivery
Fun fact: The pizza delivery plot is such a common porn plotline that it’s actually cited in the Wikipedia entry for “Pizza delivery.” So let’s talk about Big Sausage Pizza for a second, which features the pizza delivery guy sticking his penis through the actual pizza to surprise his female co-star when she opens the box. For starters, it’s a waste of a perfectly edible — and delicious — medium pizza that’s now been tainted with a dude’s dick. Secondly, who the hell is aroused by this? For crying out loud, it’s a guy sticking his dick through a pizza. There’s nothing fun about getting pepperoni grease on your privates. If you think there is, that’s disturbing and disgusting on so many levels.
-Stevie Chay Vaughan

12. When They Say It’s a MILF But She’s in Her Mid-30s and There’s No Visible C-Section Scar
C’mon, weird looking porno producer who probably goes to a salon and gets highlights!!! Who’s getting hard without that scar?
-JTrain

13. Nurses
Hospitals are places of death and unwanted children. And if I’m in a hospital, something horrible has happened to me. No, I do not want to imagine what it’d be like to be in a hospital, with all my needs taken care of by a fine piece of ass. Then I start imagining what it’d be like to have Crohn’s Disease and that’s a dark spiral.
-Boatshoe Bobby

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14. Exxxtreme Close-Ups
OK, I get it. Some sickos out there like to see every wrinkle on a dude’s nutsack as he dutifully fills each and every hole on a female’s body. But let me posit that this is the exception, not the norm.

There is a reason most people have sex in the dark. There are all kinds of intricacies of the human form that should be left unexplored. Even the most beautifully manicured female undercarriage is not immune to the rogue zit, bump or mole. If I wanted that kind of in-depth knowledge, I’d have gone to medical school.
- Reggie Noble

15. Amateur Porn
Issue #1: If you're skipping beats to amateur porn you're almost certainly watching trailer trash or a D-list celebrity fuck.

Issue #2: Shoddy production value, terrible lighting, and overall not worth the effort.

Issue #3: Amateur POV is more unwatchable than George Lopez. None of it can be viewed by anyone with epilepsy, or motion-sickness, or standards. And, hey, pal, I know you’re hitting it from behind and you’re, like, the entire camera crew but please quit zeroing in on your dick, and for the love of fuck, please trim that ball of yarn you call pubes for Christ’s sake.
-J.Camm

16. Gym Scenes
It’s a pretty common scene archetype, but I’ve never really understood the appeal. I guess it’s just for sports-bras-are-sexy crowd. My immediate thoughts go straight to fitness envy: Where the hell are these empty gyms where no one ever has to wait for a machine. Sex on the pulldown or leg press? No thanks. Too dangerous. My thoughts immediately jump to concern that someone is going to knock something over during all that thrusting.
-Stevie Chay Vaughan

17. Anything with the Word “TEEN”
I’m not exactly an old person, not so far removed from the teenage years myself. I’m gettin’ older and they stay the same age is actually what sucks about high school girls. Just feel way too rapey.
-Bro Jackson

18. Bad Music
Lately, several of the “artsier” videos, like X-Art, have started using terrible acoustic songs in the background of their scenes. Think awful adult contemporary music with three chords that is supposed to highlight the “love” between the performers. This ruins scenes. Fuck your Jack Johnson rip-off shit. I want no music or classic porn music. Bum-chicka-wa-wa.
-Boatshoe Bobby

19. Personal Webcam Sessions Being Passed Off As Porn
You can sign up for sites where a stripper looks into a webcam and speaks to you directly. Some people record these then they get posted on porno sites. It’s kind of sad to watch. The girl usually says something like, “Oh you’ve been here before” then dances in her chair, showing her boobs, and randomly talking to the nerd that signed up for the account. The girls are always hot but it’s the whole idea of the guy who signed up for the account that ruins my boner. Does he have no friends? Does he call this girl his “girlfriend?” Does he have favorites? What night of the week is he checking in on this site? What’s it like between them when he cums? Does she just stop mid-awkward dance and watch? After he cums, do they just say “see you later?” Just thinking about this right now is making my penis smaller. I’ll stop. Oh ya, this type of porn sucks.
-JTrain

20. Body Cast Fetishes
We could write a top 100 list on odd-ball fetishes, there are SO MANY, but this one really stumps me. What category does this carnival sideshow fall into? Femdom? S&M? Extreme Kink? If that’s even a category…

An even more pressing question: Who the fuck among us is watching this!?!?! I’d love to meet him/them. I mean, I’d have to imagine that a guy who yearns to be helplessly encased in a body cast while a tawdry nurse clad in an ill-fitting uniform rapes him is someone worth talking to.
-J.Camm

21. LIVE FUCKING JASMINE (and other audibly intrusive pop-unders)
Where is that strange voice coming from? Who the hell is talking to me over this video? Holy shit. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! My worst fear has been realized, I accidentally Facetimed my mother mid crank! Oh, wait…it's just a live-cam pop-under. Thank JESUS. Let's “X” that nonsense out and get back to this body cast porn.
-J.Camm

22. Lack of Compelling Storylines
We live in an age where CLICK porn. I want to care about those I’m devoting so much of my fleeting happiness to. I want plots, crazy twists, a SEASON finale. Game of Thrones is close I guess, but the bar needs to be raised here.
-Bro Jackson

23. The Comments
More like CUM-MENTS, amirite?

Who ARE these people posting down here? The moment I blow my load, I close my browser. Who moseys down to the comment section to share their thoughts? Who?!? Are these people wannabe directors? Aficionados? One thing is for sure: They are messed up. Like, really messed up.

More disturbing is the fact that these discussions spiral into hateful rhetoric and get way too philosophical. Can’t we all just treat our groins like an amusement park in peace?
- Reggie Noble

24. Fake Relationships
I might have a crippling smut addiction, but I’m no idiot. I know that those two blonde chicks going to town on each other aren’t really sisters. Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.

It’s not that I don’t appreciate the effort to create a compelling angle, it’s that I’m confused who gets off on that kind of stuff. The porn producers really take a logical leap that a majority of dudes find incest hot. Again, I’d posit that’s not really the case.
- Reggie Noble

25. The Male Enhancement Ads Showing a Guy With a GIGANTIC Cock
It's beyond comically large and it's right there to the left of the video player staring — nay, penetrating — a hole into my soul. Also, if this magic pill or potion really worked, don't you think we'd all be walking around with oil tankers for dicks by now?
-J.Camm

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26. Smoking During Sex
I get it: Once upon a time, smoking cigarettes was a sexy and probably a subtle aphrodisiac if you were, say, Sean Connery-era James Bond being seduced by a Bond Girl. But now, in 2012, we’ve all seen enough pictures of black lung and people carting around oxygen tanks for emphysema to realize the inherent unsexiness of smoking. It boggles my mind how many videos still feature a woman puffing on cigarettes while getting banged. How can the guy enjoy getting smoke blown in his face in the middle of the act? How does she avoid burning the dude mid-scene? How does she not start a fire? The safety hazards are mind-boggling.
-Stevie Chay Vaughan

27. Tranny Porn
Just…why?
-Bro Jackson

28. Category Racism
I’ll say it. I feel weird navigating to a place where only one race of chicks is getting pleasured. Call it white guilt, call it what you will. It’s just super-awkward for me to put myself in a situation where I’m deriving a preferred orgasm based solely on skin color. That is not the world Martin Luther King imagined.
- Reggie Noble

29. Condom Usage
By now you've probably been apprised of our new national nightmare: condoms MUST be worn in professionally produced porn shot in Los Angeles. A devastating blow to “The Industry” who has said “the requirement would damage it (the industry) since porn viewers will not watch sex scenes with condoms, and force adult film producers to relocate to where they can make movies that will sell.” You hear that? More American jobs shipped overseas! Also, they are one-hundred percent wrong with their assumption that we'll stop watching, because let's not fool ourselves, WE WILL WATCH, WE WILL FAP, we just won't like it as much and it'll probably result in weaker erections and a few thousand lives ruined.
-J.Camm

30. Unnecessarily Weird Stockings
In porn, stockings are universally ugly, cheap, and tacky. Stripper stockings, high brow stockings with straps, even the seemingly “normal” ones used in office fantasy scenes. All too often, some stars use stockings that look like they were made from cut-up circus safety netting for a flying trapeze act. Nothing erotic about it all. She could be the hottest pornstar in the world, but I’ll still think Spider Man had a cataclysmic gleek accident all over her legs. Very déclassé.
-Stevie Chay Vaughan

31. Cumming via Jerking Off
Again, depressing as fuck. You can’t get off by someone willing to blow you for 30 minutes? Please exit my screen.
-Bro Jackson

32. A Lack of Notice When Doing Anal
The main culprit here is Sasha Grey. Some people just don’t like it when you insist, three minutes into a clip, in saying, “STICK IT UP MY ASS.” You’ve got to give us some warning before going into butt play! Look at the camera, say, “We are about to do butt play and I’m going to scream and blow out your headphones. If you do not like this, kindly switch over to the Melanie Rios video you have queued up in Tab 2. Thank you.”
-Boatshoe Bobby

33. Unnecessarily SLAUGHTERED Fake Boobs
They’re awesome, they’re REALLY awesome, they’re woah, they’re eh, they’re…well that’s just wrong.
-Bro Jackson

34. Incestuous MILF Scenes
MILF scenes aren't everyone’s plate of beef, but I happen to be a fan. However, my fandom hinges on the fact that the MILF and her sexual cohort have zero blood relation. Everything up until that point is fine by me, even the jilted stepmom banging her new husband’s son (who is always portrayed as a chronic masturbator, by the way) but once a clip crosses the line into guy-puts-himself-back-into-his-birth-mother's-womb territory, I check the fuck out never to return.
-J.Camm

35. Boners
There are way too many boners in porn these days. Where’s the porn with the guy who is six shots in and keeps saying to the chick “hold on a second, let me just work on it a bit, you’re not grasping hard enough, I have this method?” Then the girl kind of looks over his shoulder waiting to be tapped in for the mid-erection special. He gives the “trying too hard” face. She gives the “this is awkward” face. Oh man that would be hot.
-JTrain

36. Vagina
Way too much of it. I need more clothes in my porno. I want a whole site devoted to girls dry humping in Lululemon Yoga pants. Call it – LululemonErotica.com. Boom!
-JTrain

37. The Unabated Knowledge That Many of These Women Will Become Drug Addicts and Financially Destitute Mere Months After the End of Their Too-Short Careers
Hahaha. Kidding.
-Boatshoe Bobby

As you can see, we had quite the ax to grind. And, as we wrote this, we all quickly realized that if we had omitted a few personal points of contention, this could have been titled 25 Reasons Why Paying for Porn Ain't So Bad. If you have any gripes you'd like to add to this list, do so in the comments. 

Related Post:

5 Things I Love About the Adult Film Industry


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