It’s a Terrible Sports Town
No city has more professional sporting teams than NYC. And no city displays such widespread indifference. The transplant and international makeup of the city obviously prevent it from being a unified, sports-crazed metropolis. Sadly, that means a local team can be in a Super Bowl, World Series, or finals and the buzz non-existent.
My Dog/Other People’s Dogs
I love my little guy, but owning him here doesn’t make a ton of sense. I’ve got to schlep down five flights of stairs every time he’s got to take a piss or shit. Then I get to patiently wait for the disgusting chore of picking up No. 2 while a crowd of hundreds look on. Worse are the other, less responsible dog owners who let their beast defecate all over the place without cleaning up afterward.
That Miserable Cabbie
You know the one. The guy who forgot to shower this month, or the guy with the lead-footed death wish, or the one that finds it necessary to talk to you. If you ever hail a cab and experience the misfortune of having all three at once just know that the end is near.
I’d love the subway if no one else rode the fucking thing. And I could go on for a hearty hour about my disdain for it, but I’ve already covered my hatred for sharing my commute with others ad nauseum. You can find that exhaustive coverage here.
I promised myself I wasn't going bleed from my junk over the inflated cost of rent in this city and I'm not, but broker’s fees are an unnecessary unnecessary. Yes, I double unnecessary’d that shit. And if you don't take issue with paying a "broker" several thousand dollars for a fee to show you an apartment you found BY YOURSELF online, then you’re a fuckin’ dolt. A dolt, I say!
Too Many Bars/Clubs
Just as there could be too few bars, there can also be too many bars and New York City has too many watering holes.
Scratching your head right now? Thinking I might have crossed the line with my whip-it consumption in college? Understandable... if you've never drank anything watered down in your life, because that's what walking into an NYC bar is like.
So. Much. Dilution.
There are two major metropolises that I've partied in frequently over the last five years: NYC and Philly. I prefer the latter, because while it boasts less bar options it also has less talent dilution. Chicks are handcuffed. They don't have over a thousand different places to go. They basically have no choice but to see my gorgeous face. This is a positive for everyone involved.
Just Constant Fucking Noise
Seriously, it’s unbelievable. People honk for no reasons, vagrants curse at phantoms and morons yell opinions about pizza. You can’t ever hear yourself think.
The Fact That In Spite of All This Hatred We Actually Like Living Here
As much as we complain, we love living here. Yeah, I’d rather be retired in Florida, spreading chlamydia in an adult-only golf community but that isn’t in the cards just yet, and until it is I will happily call this shit pit home.