The Soda Ban Debate
Look, I know a judge recently ruled this ridiculous government intrusion into our lives was capricious and arbitrary. But the very fact that the size of someone’s soda became a high-profile policy debate is both embarrassing and mind-blowing. This is the largest city in the country and with that honor comes plenty of inert problems. You know, like crime and stuff. Instead, we’re sinking time and energy into Big Gulps. Awesome.

And while we’re on the topic...

Mayor Bloomberg in General
Mayor Bloomberg is out of control with his need for control. If Carol, who suffers from deafening obesity, wants to drown herself with a 88 oz. guzzler from McDonald’s to wash down her 40 piece McNugget that’s her prerogative. Not up to the Mayor or anyone else to stop her self-destruction. What’s next? Disallowing fat people to buy unhealthy food altogether? (Actually, he’s already tried to stop poor people from doing that with food stamps.)

What is actually next for Mayor Bloomberg is hiding cigarettes in bodegas and regulating the use of headphones for the sake of our hearing. Do me a favor, Bloom, let me go deaf so I can stop listening to you murder the Spanish language during a state of emergency and start staring at your saucy sign-language lady, Lydia Callis, for a reason other than “just cause.”

For your reference, here is a list of things Bloomberg has tried to ban according to CNN:

Sugary drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces in restaurants.

Restaurants using plastic foam containers to serve food and drinks.

In 2010 he urged the U.S. Department of Agriculture to exclude soda, sports drinks and other sugary drinks from food stamp eligibility, citing their effects on obesity.

Beginning May 23, 2011, smokers were no longer allowed to light up in New York's parks.

In October 2007, Bloomberg introduced an initiative for chain restaurants to display calorie information on menus and menu boards.

In January 2010, Bloomberg unveiled a plan to cut the amount of salt in packaged and restaurant food by 25% over a five-year period.

In 2006, the New York City Board of Health approved Bloomberg's plan to ban trans fat in cooking oils within the city's 24,000 food establishments.

Rats

And not the little ones that look like mice – the ones that look like small dogs. The problem with New York City rats is that they are fearless. They’re so immune to people that they’ll scurry out and grab a piece of food even as it sits by your foot. If you’re wearing sandals, this is a very harrowing event.

The saddest thing I ever saw in this city involved one of these critters. I was walking to my apartment after a day of drinking and saw a group of people huddled around on a corner. With horror, I watched as a clearly sick rat began staggering around, foaming at the mouth. Its slow, painful death was cheered loudly by a group of strangers who bonded together over watching an animal perish.

It was all kinds of fucked up. Only in New York.

It’s Always Someone’s Birthday
Ask someone, ANYONE, what they are doing this weekend. I guarantee 8 out of 10 people are attending some dickbag’s birthday party in the East Village, because he still thinks he's 16 and people care. I also guarantee that men at that little soiree will be wearing scarves, and not because it’s cold outside.

Neighborhood Snobbery
When I first relocated my life to this godforsaken cesspool of a city I had no idea where I should live. Having only visited NYC a few times and never bothering to ask "where's the best place to live if you kind of can't stand the general population," I settled on Murray Hill. Well, that's all people needed to hear. From the reaction I got when I told people where I lived, you'd swear I said that I lived in a sewer and satiated myself by eating my own excrement. No exaggeration, for the years I spent in Murray Hill I got nothing but "I can't believe you live there" eye rolls because it wasn't trendy or posh enough.

Now, I'm not about to defend what takes place at the Joshua Tree -- the girls there at last call are pure filth, god bless 'em  -- but it's really the ideal location if you're constantly going both uptown and downtown...or looking to score the aforementioned godless whore at the 3am hour.

What's unbelievable, though, is people genuinely judge you on where you live. Downtown is for the cool kids and dudes who tuck their pants into their shoes, which also happen to be combat boots, uptown is for old people and married couples, and middle (Murray Hill) is where people who have no idea where to live live and douchebags.

Even when Hurricane Sandy hit all the people that lived downtown were like "yeah, I didn't have power for two weeks but it's better than living on the Upper East Side with all the married people." Oh, GET FUCKED...PAINFULLY. I bet it was awesome having to suffer without water or electricity while I indulged decadently in my ivory tower.

Waiting for Restaurants
There are 193,192 places to eat but everyone worth a damn sports a lengthy wait during prime eating hours. You patiently wait. And wait. And wait. Inevitably your experience is sullied because you’re so fed up that the food doesn’t taste as good.

Ability to Play Sports
You can work out in this town till you grind through all your knee cartilage; there’s a gym on every corner, but playing organized sports is a hassle and a half. All the baseball fields are a pain in the ass to get to, and if you want to do anything at Chelsea Piers prepare to not eat food that week because it’ll cost ya.

Bodegas Charging a $10 Minimum for Credit Card Use
First of all, it is illegal to require a minimum dollar amount in the state of New York for credit card purchases. Second of all, there is no second of all. Know your rights, fuck these people.

Click below to keep reading about all the stuff we hate in NYC