Life
by Brian Killen on November 19, 2012

Townie Girl: A term used by male college students to describe a girl who is  a native to that college town. Names such as, hood rats and pig pies, are also used to describe these girls who often times embrace their derogatory label. They are most commonly found at dive bars during the week and are very easy to have sex with. They can also very easily turn into Stage 5 clingers and their origin is unknown.

When these girls are out they only have two goals for the night: One, getting as drunk as the college students surrounding them, so they can try and fit in with everyone at the bar. Two, getting a college guy's dick wet, so they can fit in with the rest of the college girls at the bar. These girls just want to have the college experience they were never given but forced to see because they conveniently live in a college town. Since you're probably too f*cked up at the bar to care about anything except for food and pussy, now is your time to give these girls the college experience they have always wanted and one you that you will never forget — just know what to expect:

1. No Shame Due To Excessive Drinking
Put on your earmuffs because it's potty mouth time! Cursing along with a dirty mouth is the most  popular yet embarrassing quality shown by townie girls when they consume alcohol. It is also the first tell tale sign that you are now in the presence of a townie girl. Other shameless qualities that will occur in the bar and throughout the night when she's drinking, include:

• Sketchy trips to the bathroom.
• The smell of both Wild Turkey and cigarettes on her clothes/breath.
• Way too much PDA (public display of affection — towards your penis).
• Calling you a bitch for not being as drunk as her.
• Her suggesting to drive you home; opening a gateway to making her move on you.

2. An Excellent Blowjob
While you're stuck in class questioning most of things you're being lectured about, townie girls are at home practicing for the big game. 'The big game' meaning — sucking some college Bros dick. We have no idea why they are so good at this but frequent blowjob practice on various vegetables and household objects seems to be the best assumption to answer that question. Either way, this is probably going to be the highlight of your townie girl experience so sit back and enjoy it while it lasts!

3. Effortless Sex
If you're good to go after the Grade A BJ you've just received , she's going to want to start banging your brains out whether you like it or not. The transition from oral to sex will go by her saying these three things:

1. “I want to f*ck you”
2. “I'm on birth control”
3. “It's really okay, I'm on birth control”

It's NOT okay and you shouldn't believe her when she says she's on birth control. Wear a condom (or two) and if you're one of the lucky ones you won't catch anything funky.

4. Strange Discoveries During Sex
The sky is the limit with townie girls, especially during intercourse. Whether it's a foot fetish, an out of nowhere Spanish accent or some other freaky shit — you will always discover something strange while having sex with them. Things to look out for include: biting, scratching and very load moaning. If your roommates are sleeping, they will be woken up. Be prepared to give them a play by play sex story the next day.

5. Strange Discoveries After Sex
You just got back from pound town and now she's a little more composed. You will continue to discover strange shit about her life. Although you want to put on your clothes and tell her to get the hell out of your room, she will begin to talk about her life as a townie. Once again expect anything; if she tells you that she is really a 35-year-old divorcee, has two kids and is also an illegal alien; congratulations because you have just hit the trifecta!

6. Borrowing Your Clothes
If she asks to borrow your clothes this means that she is also insisting on sleeping over. I encourage that you to come up with any excuse to get her ass home. In the moment, this is a lot harder than it seems, so the chances of her going back home to her roommates A.k.a. her parents are slim to none. Pick out  a t-shirt and shorts that have no sentimental value to you, give them to her and don't wear them until they are heavily bleached. If she says something like,“Your shorts are so comfy, I wish I could sleep in them every night.” Make up a funny story like how they really belong to your roommate who left them on the floor after he pissed in them a few nights ago. This might not work because there is a good chance that she won't even care. 

7. An Unwanted Sleeping Arrangement
While she lays next to you, looking to cuddle, you will most likely find yourself staring at the ceiling pondering the events that took place throughout the night. How the f*ck did you get yourself in this situation? Sleep it off and know that from this point you have a 1/3 chance for something good to happen with this girl. May the odds be ever in your favor!

8. Aftermath Scenarios
1. Sleeping in late the next morning and asking to get breakfast with you — which is bad.
2. Never hearing from her again — which is good.
3. “Coincidental” run-ins at the bar — which is bad.