Have a Threesome
This is something we’ve all been meaning to do, but logistically it hasn’t been feasible up until this point. Now, we have the best excuse we could ever have: THE WORLD IS ENDING!!! On paper it sounds like it should just work, but you’re going to have to convince them on a metaphysical level that this is an important thing for all parties involved and that it will bring everyone peace in the chaos of an apocalypse. And if you can't talk anyone into it…HOOKERS.
Rob a Bank
Why not? I mean every one of us has thought about how we would do it, now we have a really good reason to just do it. Plus, once you get away with it, you can buy anything you want with all that fresh new bank money (don’t worry about them tracing the bills since the world is ending and all) including that elusive threesome we were just talking about. Robbing a bank also segue’s nicely into our next badass thing to do before the world ends.
Get Into a High-Speed Chase
There is no part of a high-speed chase that doesn’t look fun, except getting caught. That’s why we suggest not getting caught. Start your high-speed chase by stealing a really nice car like an Aston Martin or a Ferrari, that way you know you can out run those shitty Crown Vics and Dodge Chargers that the police use. Note: before you bail out of your vehicle, make sure you’re far enough ahead so the guys on the ground won’t be able to find you while the eye in the sky tries to give them directions. Make a smooth escape and celebrate your high-speed chase with a bottle of Cristal. You deserve it!
Max Out Your Credit Cards/Empty Your Bank Account
In a post apocalyptic world, the banks can’t do shit to your credit. Max out everything and live it up during your final week on earth. If you have no money and no credit than this obviously does not apply to you.
Make a Ridiculous Scene in a Public Setting
Maybe your boss has been a dick all year, or maybe it’s a professor, or an ex; no matter who it is, find him or her in a public setting and make the biggest scene ever. I’m not talking a quick shout and a fuck you, I’m talking yelling at the top of your lungs humiliation and possibly throwing a drink in their face (assuming you have access to a drink). After you finish while you’re making an exit, pick one random person on your way out and punch them in the face for no reason. It may seem wrong, but it will feel so right.
Everyone who does it says it’s amazing and or they become completely addicted. See what the hype is all about and shoot up. I suggest doing this on the day of December 21 or the day before, that way you can still complete the other 6 things on this list while not being addicted to heroin.
Delete Your Facebook
If you want to really make a statement to all your friends that you believe the world is ending, delete your Facebook. This is probably the most badass/hardest thing to do on this list, but after the apocalypse, no one is going to be alive enough to give a shit about your terrible status updates.
Once you have completed all the things on this list, you will officially be able experience the apocalypse having lived life to the fullest. However, if the Mayans were wrong (and there’s like a 0% chance of that) you’ll probably be addicted to heroin, be in a ton of debt and will be facing criminal charges in several counties for the crimes you committed during your apocalyptic rampage. On top of that, you will be completely embarrassed for actually believing that the world was going to end.
Aristotle is a Florida based comedian who thinks that the Honey Boo Boo is proof that the Mayans are probably right. You can follow him on Twitter @STOTLE.