5 Things That Your Girlfriend Loves More Than You

You are a wonderful man. You’re smart, charming, and thoughtful. You probably sent your girlfriend’s mom an Edible Arrangements on her birthday and force a laugh at her dad’s jokes that almost always miss the mark. You tell her that she’s special and always clean her swabs of hair out of your shower drain without demanding she wear a shower cap. You probably have even watched one or two episodes of the Gilmore Girls. You okay, bro? This is not lost on her. She loves you.

She just loves these things more.

Tiffany’s Charms

Remember that Tiffany’s bracelet you bought your girl for her birthday last year? Ya know, the one that caused your landlord to shut off the power in your apartment because you couldn’t pay the rent after buying it? Well, it wasn’t enough. Because now she wants, check that, she LIKE ABSOLUTELY HAS TO HAVE, that Tiffany’s charm with the Chinese symbol for “Love”. If you don’t know what charms are they are little metal Monopoly pieces that Tiffany’s stencils some bullshit on and jacks the price up 9,000% so girls can wear them as ornaments on the expensive bracelets you already bought her and you can eat canned tuna until your next paycheck.

I am a feminist kind of dude. I am an advocate for gender equality on social, political and economic grounds. With that said, I am a bonafide sexist in the gift department. That’s because men ask for practical gifts, gifts that will tangibly improve their quality of life. Hell, I asked for a Subway pass for my birthday. And anal. I only received one of my requests and I’ll let you guess which one. Girls completely bypass the practicality aisle and crave the latest fashion gimmick. How many fucking designer bags does one girl need? My girl has a Michael Kors bags for her Michael Kors bag. Do these things concretely add to her quality of life? No. But, but her friend Becky has one!! Becky, if you’re reading this, you’re fucking killing me. I know your dad has a black card but I only have a Blockbuster card and keeping my lady current with the latest bullshit is not only expensive, it’s exhausting.

But as a man who has learned that “picking your battles” in a relationship is equally as important as not fucking anyone else, I find myself venturing out to Tiffany’s to buy the Princess a dingleberry for her bracelet. I’ll guess I’ll take the subway over there; it’s free with my pass. Thanks babe.

Grilled Cheese

If your girlfriend was offered a grilled cheese sandwich to testify against you in a court of law, you best hire a damn good lawyer. Throw a tomato and a little basil on that bad boy and you might as well just plead guilty.

One of the underrated perks of having a girlfriend is that her dinner leftovers are always defaulted to you. 90% of the time you end up eating 90% of her meal. But have you ever tried asking your girl for a bite of her grilled cheese sandwich? You may have better luck asking to have a threesome with her sister. Of course she won’t touch the $38 prime rib you bought her the night before, but when it comes to a couple slices of Kraft singles in between two pieces of toast, back the fuck off, bro, before it gets diabolical. Believe me, I tried it once, and now I’m typing this with one hand.

So this Valentine’s Day, I recommend you cancel that dinner reservation to that restaurant you’re not classy enough to be in in the first place, and follow the three easy steps below:

1.) Buy a bottle of dirt cheap wine. Remember, it doesn’t matter if its “good wine”, it’s just important that it has a cool-looking label. Never judge a book by its cover, but always judge a wine by its label.
2.) Throw a couple grilled cheese sandwiches on the Foreman grill.
3.) Try to enjoy the blowjob you receive thereafter, even though you’re struggling to hold back the onslaught of farts knocking at your anus’s door. Fucking lactose.

Yoga

Yoga is an absolute mystery to me. I guess it’s a mix of a workout and a therapy session or something. All I know is that you’re not allowed in the “studio” without a tight pair of LuLu Lemon spandex, a colorful rolled up tortilla and a yogurt parfait from Starbucks. A couple of guys I know have tried it, but they turned the heat up really high to sweat them out and drive them back to the weight rooms they belong.

Legend has it that Enya’s “Return to Innocence” plays softly through the speakers and the floor is one big Twister mat, where girls are encouraged to bend their bodies in ways that I can never get them to try in the bedroom, while the class instructor comes around and feeds everyone herbal tea while rubbing their backs in a pseudo-sexual manner. Weird, bros, I know. I’d much rather have a bros balls dangling down on my face while he spots me on the bench.

For her, yoga is like a drug. For you, drugs are like drugs. But, it’s beneficial for you to encourage your girl to do this yoga thing because she treats you better when she’s “centered”. Otherwise, if she’s off-center, she’s just going to sit around in a circle with her friends and talk about how you’re addicted to picking your nose and eating it. I’ll take Yoga for 600, Alex.

Pinterest

If you’re unfamiliar with Pinterest, it’s basically the women equivalent of ESPN, BroBible and PornHub wrapped into one visually appealing platform. It’s a one stop shop for fashion, cooking, dating advice, sex tips. It’s like her good-looking gay best friend. I’ve experienced first-hand how Pinterest has replaced me as “main man” in my girl’s life…

I’ve been trying to become better at talking dirty during sex. And by ‘better’ I mean, just trying to get my voice not to crack. So the other night when I was having sexual intercourse (HIGH FIVE, BRO!), I sheepishly muttered “Do ya like that…penis??” while I was awkwardly thrusting above her just trying not to get tired. Sex talk is supposed to be rhetorical, but I always end up genuinely curious as to whether or not she likes my penis. She responds in a much more confident manner like, “Ya baby, I like it so much I may even Pin It”. “Pin It?” I wondered aloud. “Ya like on Pinterest. Keep going baby I’m almost there.”

Rock bottom feels like your girlfriend thinking about a web and mobile application platform for 20-something females when you’re having sex with her. But what can did I expect? Do I really think she really cares about how many rebounds I had in my Rec league basketball game? (Answer: 8. I’m a fucking savage on the boards). She only pretends to care because she loves me for me, not because I’m a fucking ball hawk. Pinterest omits all the shit she doesn’t care about and gives her exactly what she needs. I guess maybe I should watch a little less Workaholics with my hands down my pants while she sits on the other couch and looks her new man up and down.

Ryan Gosling

I am a heterosexual man, through and through. I can recognize when another man is attractive without being attracted to him. And then I saw Ryan Gosling in Drive. My internet search history shifted from “Kate Upton Boob Slip” to “Am I Gay If My Penis Tingled Watching Another Man Drive A Chevelle?” Google said that sexuality is a spectrum rather than an absolute and I may be gayer than I thought. I wanted a second opinion so I typed the same question into the Bing search engine and it answered my question with a question: “Did You Mean ‘How to File Your Taxes with TurboTax?” Fucking Bing, a search engine with A.D.D. But I guess since my sexuality wasn’t a unanimous “You’re gay, bro” the verdict is still out.

But the verdict sure as hell isn’t still out on whether or not your girlfriend would leave your hospital bed to obtain a pair of Gosling’s dirty underwear. It’s a very grounding thing when you think that if Ryan Gosling came onto your girl at a bar, she’d fuck him. On the hood of his Chevelle. On your birthday. On her period. Period. All I ask is that she’s upfront with me about it and gives me fair warning beforehand. Because I need a little time to set up the video camera.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.