Strip clubs are at the backbone of the American economy along with eternal industries such as water, electricity, health care and, not to be morbid, funeral homes.
As long as we don’t become immortal, we’ll always be thirsty and we’ll always die, but most of all, we’ll always want to stare up at a nice pair of tits after a long week at the office or a long night out with friends.
However, like with any establishment with a predetermined set of customers, strip clubs set their own rules that need to be observed and respected. You can always look, but that doesn’t mean you’re given the green light to touch.
Also, you must tip well and be somewhat polite to everyone working – bartenders, bouncers, waitresses; not just the girls dancing without any clothes on. (Side note about the women on the poles: you can’t get obscenely drunk and start hurling insults them just because you need an ego boost about your own self-worth.)
Most important, you can’t interfere with other customers’ enjoyment. If the dude sitting three seats down is laying money on the floor for the girl, then he “deserves” her attention.
That would be like sitting down at a nice Italian restaurant, looking at the menu and then deciding to just go eat off some other person’s plate. It’s called manners and, yes, you should have them in a strip club even though you perverse reasoning says otherwise.
If you haven’t got the picture yet, here are five no-no’s when you’re at the strip club:
5. Arrive with empty pockets
If you’re looking for any physical contact, you best make sure your money clip is busting with wads of cash. Otherwise, you’ll be left with a full plant of temptation and with no means for release.
And even if you have no ambition of grabbing a dance, you best come prepared with some money to drop – I’d recommend at least $60 to $80 bucks. That can easily be burned on drinks alone, not to mention tips for the girls who are working the poles.
I learned this the hard way during my second experience at a strip club. My friend and I arrived with $20 between us and, less than 10 minutes in the doors; we didn’t have a penny in our pockets. The strippers got aggressive with us – physically, but not in a good way – and before we knew it, the entire room was chanting for us to get the boot.
The bouncer came over and asked us why we weren’t tipping the girls. We explained our financial situation – we were only 18 at the time and had spent $40 bucks at the door to get in, but that didn’t prevent us from getting the boot.
The lesson was quick, simple and enduring on my pubescent mind: don’t show up with empty pockets.. Money is the only thing that anybody in a strip clubs cares about and if you don’t have any, then they will let you know how little they care about you and your wellbeing.
I wish I wasn’t speaking from experience again, but sadly debauchery ensues whenever the improvised decision is made to end the night wherever I am and take a cab to a club. Luckily, this time around, everybody had money. Not so fortunately, a scene was made and the room was once again cheering for the bouncers to ring somebody’s neck.
Anyways, the situation devolved from what our grandparents would call buffoonery, but most of us would refer to as “dicking around.” A hat was knocked off my friend’s head and another, innocent friend went to go pick it up. Naturally, heavy drinking had been involved and the victim couldn’t identify the culprit so he picked on the bystander who was merely being a Good Samaritan. Words were exchanged, pushes followed and, before too long, an ill-advised fight had broken out.
Although I’m telling the simplified version of this story, I can’t leave out the detail that another guy – not a friend or an associate of mine – thought this was a good opportunity to bull rush one of the strippers and pin her onto the ground. Don’t ask me why it happened but it was one of the wilder things I’ve ever seen. And, coupled with the chaos that was going on no more than 25 feet away in my group, the bouncers had no choice but to use a little bit of force before eventually kicking all our asses to the curb.
Note: The Ray Lewis-looking type dude who tackled the poor stripper may or may not have gotten arrested.
3. Puke and/or piss in public
As obvious as this may sound, when a shit ton of liquor is involved in any situation, you can never predict how a human will behave. The sad part is that puking and pissing aren’t even the most depraved actions one can partake in a strip club. With that said, it’s among the worst of them and deserves to be on the list, if only because enough drunken idiots act like two year old children.
While we’re here, add shit to this category – don’t take a poop in a strip club if you’re not in a strip club. And even then, be very cautious and try to make the best decision based on the circumstance, not preference.
2. Play around on your phone
For reasons unknown to me, strippers hate cell phones. Oh wait a second, I know why – they think you’re recording them! Although most clubs have poor Internet connection, a stealthy cameraman could still get some good footage and have it on YouTube by the end of the night.
Full disclaimer: you can get in a lot of trouble for this type of stuff; think about it. There’s plenty of porn out there for guys to consume, they don’t need to spank it to stripper videos. And that’s pretty sad if they do.
Even if you’re on a burner phone – and I seriously question what activities you’re into if you are in a strip club, strippers don’t like guys who aren’t giving them attention; I mean money. If you’re busy texting or playing a game, then they will certainly walk away and not come back. In some situations, this may be what you’re intending by going to your phone, but ultimately they’ll tell the girls coming on next to ignore your ass as well.
Inattention is a nasty cologne to wear in a club. Even with all the other aromas in the room, a stripper can detect when a guy doesn’t give a fuck about her.
1. Overstay your welcome
If you didn’t know this by now, strip clubs are all about acting fast, moving fast, and playing fast. Like an assembly line, the girls want to keep things productive, because in their industry time is money. The more private dances they can give; the more times they can strut down the runway and work the poles; the more guys they can make contact with – the better. If they don’t want you to stay until 4 in the morning, then why should you?
Of course, this is a free country and you can do whatever your heart desires, but I’m telling you this overly ambitious mindset will only hurt the wallet and make every bro out there regret going to the club altogether. Inevitably, you’re going to feel some shame when you wake up smelling like a strip club and realize you withdrew a few hundred from your bank account.
And that, my friends, is the real price of going to a strip club.
[Image via ShutterStock]