Cocaine may have a nasty reputation for causing heart attacks and truck stop cocksucking, but the reality is cocaine only kills roughly 10,000 people every year. That’s not too bad considering that this summer, most of you rotten-crotch degenerates out there will do a number of everyday shit involving some skank, statistically more dangerous than burning up your nasal cavities aboard the Columbian rail system. Here are four of our favorites:
Have Raw Dog Sex
No summer would be complete without a handful of one-night stands, a wicked case of Filipino crab louse and hell, even a couple of booze-fueled pregnancy scares sure to unearth at least one kid or perhaps, a litter of Chupacabra puppies if your dick fishes aren’t, in fact, too drunk to swim.
Unfortunately, these things are simply the perils of raw doggin’ it with loose women branded as such by the distinct presence of putrid stretch marks and $15 tramp stamps. Let’s face it - despite all of the safe sex campaigning that has been conducted throughout the years, no one actually uses condoms, especially in the pecker pulsing throes of a skanktamoneous one nighter.
However, it may be in your best interest to understand that this type of promiscuous behavior can be considerably more dangerous than say, sitting around the house snorting cocaine. That’s because inside the asshole petri dish of America, AIDS is still killing somewhere around 17,000 people a year. And even though gay and bisexual men are still at the highest risk for contracting this rotten voodoo disease, health experts agree that fast-assed skanks are still perfectly capable of putting a man flat on his back attached to a feeding tube and a respirator.
So, if condoms aren’t your thing, might we suggest settling for an extremely ambitious blow job?
Buying Sex or Drugs From Some Chick in Mexico
Nothing solidifies that summer has finally arrived more than piling into a car with several of your buddies and taking a high-speed road trip bound for the Mexican border. This sort of thing has undoubtedly become a right of passage in the hearts of young hooligans fiendishly dry-humping the planet to satisfy their animalistic urges with cheap beer, good drugs and a piece of ass that doesn’t speak any English.
Unfortunately, you will not find cheap booze and linguistically challenged senoritas hanging out around infamous tourists spots, like Cancun or Puerto Vallarta. No sir, you will need to scour the alleyways off the beaten path of civil society, behind dive bars and whorehouses in order to, truly, get in touch with the tequila spirit and the Tijuana ghost – or to score a bag of weed.
Yet, in doing so, you must first be warned that when choosing to mingle with a bunch of wild-eyed bendecos and nickel pimps making their sleazy way slinging pussy and narcotics, that it might be safer for you and your friends to just put on a Salsa record at home and bury your noses in a fat sack of cocaine. Even considering the possibility that one of you will overdose, you are still more likely to die as the result of purchasing sex or drugs in Mexico than getting all coked up in America. The Mexican thug-world is responsible for about 19,000 murders every year, ranging from gun violence to decapitation to bodies being dissolved in barrels of acid.
Just remember, America is a melting pot with shifty immigration laws – it is relatively easy to find a piece of ass in this country that no hablan Inglés.
Go Down on Some Skank With the Flu
Summer is synonymous with going down on strange chicks in questionable environments and hoping like hell you don’t end up catching something like a yeast infection or worse, some exotic strain of African throat clap.
Most men, at least those not repulsed by the idea of putting their mouths where girls pee, will almost always strap on a thigh-high feed bag if they believe that in doing so, there will be a greater chance of getting the girl on all fours for a solid three minute long hump-a-thon.
However, while the vast majority of the male persuasion is at least somewhat knowledgeable of the risk factors involved with eating from the womb of a diseased skank; surprisingly, not many administrators of the cunninlingual arts ever consider the possibility of catching the flu from it – which kills 26,000 more people per year than cocaine.
Might we suggest that before going down on your little skanky whisker biscuit, that you take her temperature first – the old fashion way, of course.
Drive Some Broad to the Liquor Store
There is nothing quite like going on a summer beer run with some of your favorite tunes blasting at top volume, while the skank of the evening beats you off from the shogun seat. And even though you are fully aware that skeezie little meat fondler has no intention of kicking-in any money for the booze, you still treat her like the respectable gutter slut that she is and let her try to get you off before you reach the liquor store.
Still, while a man can’t complain about being having his pecker tugged on at full throttle along a stretch of highway, it should be made known that it is still safer to snort mass amounts of cocaine than it is to get jerked off during a beer run. We know it sounds preposterous, but just the normal everyday car ride, sans hand job, is responsible for killing nearly 40,000 people each year in America – that’s 30,000 more casualties than a year’s worth dead American coke fiends. Hell, toss in an erection and rush hour traffic and a simple beer run becomes a suicide mission.
Perhaps it would be in your best interest to send your skank flying solo to the liquor store, while you lounge around the living room getting all Tony Montana on a hefty stash of blow. After all, there will be plenty of time to introduce her to your little friend after she gets back with the booze.
Follow the insane and hilarious Mike Adams on Twitter @AdamsSoup
[Cocaine image via ShutterStock]