First off, this is going to be the last installment in this series. It’s not for lack of ideas, either. I’ve got ideas for days: The streetball courts where white guys are allowed to play. The best rub-and-tugs below 14th street. Little Mo with the Gimpy Leg, Bony Bob, Cliff… I could go on forever, baby. The problem is that these articles have been generating far too many pageviews, and it compromises the performance of the site when eight million people frantically click on one article at the same time. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the Internet to hog all the site traffic.
But seriously this shit got canceled faster than a Little League game with teenage umpires who just wanna get the fuck out of there and drink when the first raindrop hits the ground. No matter, aren’t all masterpieces comparatively short anyway? Just look at Illmatic, Allen Iverson, or every sexual encounter I’ve ever had since I ditched condoms. All diminutive in length, all Hall-of-Famers.
So now I’m an 17-point underdog on the road with absolutely nothing to lose. All house money. For my last piece of New York City Shakespeare, there will be no one singular focus. This won’t be your cookie-cutter “17 Yummiest Desserts in TriBeca” type list. Nope. I had to come up with a way to encompass everything I love/hate about NYC and everything I’ve learned since I’ve been here, and decided this was the best way to do it. So here it i—all of my darkest fears, and everything I’m capable of. This is me.
1. $1 pizza is the single greatest bang-for-your-buck meal in the entire city, and maybe the entire world. The only thing that even comes close is the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy’s, which ironically doesn’t cost $1 in NYC. You really can’t go wrong either. Sure, some of them are better than others. The Go!99 on 86th and 1st is like the seventh best pizza I’ve ever had, regardless of cost, while Two Bros Pizza is usually pretty foul. But still, that shit costs ONE DOLLAR. Anytime I see a homeless dude begging for money outside a restaurant that isn’t a $1 pizza shop, I think to myself, “Maybe I’d throw you some cash if you stopped being so greedy with your meal requirements.” And then I think to myself, “Jimmy, there’s no fucking way you’re throwing him cash in any circumstance.”
2. Speaking of which, one time I saw a really refined bum outside of the IHOP near Union Square yelling, “Can I please get some money for some French toast?”
3. Speaking of which x2, I only have one rule for giving money to beggars: have talent. I don’t care how many jobs or arms you don’t have. I think I lack the sympathy gene because when I was a kid my mom would buy Cocoa Comets instead of Cocoa Puffs. Over my thousands of career subway rides in this city, I’ve only given someone money twice, and both times it was someone who blew me… away with their talent.
4. Girls in NYC are indeed more stuck-up than they are in other parts of the country, but they’re also on average much hotter. If you want a hot girl without the attitude, move to San Diego.
5. The popular sister bars (Stumble Inn, Down the Hatch, Hair of the Dog, etc..) are so negatively stereotyped that they’re underrated. Granted they typically cater to a younger, more belligerent crowd, but the cheap beer and decent bar food keep them in my rotation.
6. If you see a woman sitting on a milk crate outside of Grand Central, and she yells out, “Hey you, you got a small dick!” don’t say anything back. Just trust me. You’re better off walking away, calling your father, and saying “Dad, this is your fault”.
7. Don’t spend an hour walking back and forth down a really nice street and expect to see a celebrity. It’s highly unlikely that at that very moment in time a celebrity will be walking out their door, or that they even live on that street.
8. I’ve only had two celebrity encounters since moving here. One was Woody Harrelson at 3:30 in the morning outside of an 18+ party at Tamanny Hall, and the other was Murr from Impractical Jokers on the 1 train. I said “Yo Murr” and he said “Heyyy!”
9. If a stranger starts a conversation with you on the subway, never say anything back. I don’t care how innocent their conversation starter was, normal people don’t talk to strangers on the subway, so this person is probably insane.
10. Coed intramural sports are a gold mine for meeting average-looking women who joined to meet guys. If you have to pick one sport, pick dodgeball.
11. Getting a table at Bounce Sporting Club (the good one downtown) for college football Saturdays is one of the most fun things you can do in the entire city. Same goes for the Ainsworth on NFL Sundays.
12. When I walk by restaurants that have good menus, I put the name and location in the notes section of my phone so it’s there when I’m looking for a place to go out to eat. The number of legitimate restaurant options is one of the top 2 or 3 reasons to live here.
13. NYC Grocery Shopping Power Rankings: 1.) Trader Joe’s 2.) Everything Else… Seriously, let me shout out my boy Trader Joe’s real quick. Despite being ridiculously crowded, it’s the least expensive grocery store in the city by a fucking mile and has the best kinda-healthy-but-not-really options around. FUCK Gristedes.
14. Fashion in NYC couldn’t be further out of my league. I get legitimately uncomfortable walking into a clothing store in this city. I also only own three pairs of jeans that I wash twice a year, so maybe it’s just me.
15. The best phone app to have for a young NYC resident is Drink Owl. It tells you the drink specials of every single bar in your immediate area. In a city with a billion bars and $12 drinks, it makes picking a bar idiot-proof.
16. Pitch Perfect is a delightful movie. That’s not NYC-related, but it still needs to be mentioned.
17. If you’re rich and you like looking at hot chicks while you fake a workout, Equinox is the gym for you.
18. There are SO many girls to choose from here. Unless you plan on marrying that person, do NOT be in a relationship if you live in NYC. Next time you’re on your commute to work, count the number of girls that are hotter than any girl from your hometown. Depending on how far you’re traveling, the number is usually in the 3-6 range.
19. The rules of McDonald’s don’t bend just because it’s New York City. They won’t give you a cheeseburger at 5 a.m. regardless of how drunk or persuasive you are.
20. Self-deprecating triple play: Saving money while living here is nearly impossible if you’re making less than $60,000+ per year. I don’t save any money.
21. The Meatpacking District is awesome if you’re a super hot chick or famous dude, and decent if you have $200 in discretionary income. I don’t often venture to the Meatpacking District.
22. The Top 5 Best Public Places to Have Sex in NYC: 1) I’m just kidding I don’t have sex.
23. Visitors: If you’re going to a numbered street that’s higher than the one you’re on, that’s north. If you’re going to a numbered avenue that’s higher than the one you’re on, that’s west. If you’re going to a place that intersects at an avenue and street that both have names instead of numbers, you’re fucked.
24. Anyone who doesn’t participate in SantaCon is a fucking miserable person. I don’t care if it’s “just an excuse to drink,’ no shit it is. That’s what’s great about it.
25. Of the two free subway newspapers (not counting the Chinese ones), the amNY is better than the Metro because the amNY crossword puzzle is actually doable.
26. Where I come from, heroes are people like Morgan Freeman and Quailman. In NYC, they’re sandwiches.
27. And finally, living in NYC has made me hate the living shit out of dogs. I used to be indifferent towards dogs, but now I legitimately can’t stand them. I’m not sick enough to say I wish they all were dead, but I think it’d be great if the new mayor would put in a program to round them all up and ship them somewhere like they do with daughters in China. The city would smell better, be cleaner, quieter, and less crowded if every single dog were exiled. You have to look up when you walk so you don’t bump into people, but you also have to look down so you don’t step in dog shit. I’ve almost accepted stepping in dog piss at this point, but shit, I can’t tolerate. The only difference between dogs and homeless people here is that the homeless people usually have the common decency to leave their excrement on the edges of the sidewalk where nobody really walks.
I’ll give it six months before dogs start begging for French toast money outside of IHOP and yelling at me about the size of my penis.
More from BroBible’s Guide to NYC.
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