Life
by Bread Foster on April 23, 2014

clean-meme

Life can be a real miserable place. With family issues, roommates, and relationships everyone already has enough on their plate. Unless you’re poor too, then having enough on your plate is a major concern as well. Life has gotten more complicated in the past millennium with the invention of new technology, high unemployment rates, and the realization student loans aren’t going to pay for themselves. That’s why we should stop making each other’s days worse and stop talking about some things that do nothing but drive everyone insane.

Quinoa is an ancient grain that was first used by the Incas, Andeans, and Aztecs. Well, all those cultures are either poor or extinct, which is unfair because anyone who talks about Quinoa should be extinct instead. It’s sad when the culture who discovered this grain can no longer afford it thanks to demand from white people who shop at Whole Foods. Yea, the Aztecs used Quinoa as a dietary supplement, but they also used humans too. Personally, I think we should all take nutrition advice from cannibals; the Dahmer diet was all the rage until people realized it ended with you being beaten to death in a Milwaukee prison. The cultures you’re saying others should listen to about diet died from smallpox, but if it wasn’t for small pox, over population, cross tribal wars and white people they’d totally still be alive today because of Quinoa

Crossfit is a type of exercise that only the mentally unstable do, it’s the exact opposite of yoga. The only people who aren’t tired of hearing about Crossfit are Crossfitters. They’re the Jehovah’s Witnesses of exercise, no one just starts doing Crossfit they’re dragged in kicking and screaming by someone who told them about it. They giggle at their inside jokes and terms like “clean jerk” while the rest of us stop from screaming “WE GET IT” directly in their faces. The general population thinks Crossfitters look great, but that’s only because the Instagram pictures have a “remove back acne” filter. Crossfit girls aren’t even that good looking; no man wants to see a girl with great abs but no chest. Sure, you can say Crossfit girls’ butts are great, but first you have to get over how big their arms and thighs have gotten from doing 47 dabble dots and squattafies. Yes, those words were made up, but they sound exactly like the stupid lingo heard in those cult meetings. Crossfit lingo is like hearing a Southern Baptist minister talking “It’s the physical manifestation of putting in hard work” that’s actually just a whole lot of words strung together that mean nothing.

Bikes used to be a fun way to pass the time when you were a kid. You could get around your neighborhood with friends and spend hours not being fat, but now, bikes have been taken away from normal people. Every time someone says “Bikers Rights” an angel blows out the tire on a civic hoping it takes out someone who plays bike polo. Sure bikes burn fat and keep people in shape, but so does the amount of jaw movement bikers have when someone talks about compression shorts. White people use bikes wrong anyway, sure they can do 30 miles in 5 hours, but a guy named Jose can do 5 miles on a huffy and move his cousin into a new apartment. You can’t take “Bikers Rights” serious when you know somewhere there is a van that says “Free Candy” with a huffy in the back.

Bread Foster is a comedian that has never exercised but once killed a bear with his bear hands. Bread giggled as he said “Stop hitting yourself” Follow him on twitter @BreadFoster

Bread Foster

About Bread Foster...

Bread Foster got a degree but rolled a joint with it instead of using it. He's a NYC comedian but a multinational drunk. He enjoys sharing his insanity with the Internet even though it constantly gets him in trouble.