6. How to Unsnap a Bra
Before there were Rubik’s cubes, there were bras. Nowadays I can basically remove them using The Force, but I remember the first time I encountered a bra like it was yesterday: fumbling behind her back for ten minutes with both hands, braces clanging against each other and splitting lips open until, finally, out of sympathy, she reached behind her back and did it herself. And did so instantly -- as if by magic! She even conjured two lumps of toilet paper out of thin air! Incredible.
7. How to Play Lawn Games
Nobody wants to be the guy who elicits groans when he asks someone to partner with him in horseshoes, beer pong, cornhole, ladderball, etc. That’s like a degree or two from getting picked last at the Special Olympics.
You know what that guy didn’t do as a kid? Attend summer camp. Otherwise he would have learned that entire family of games, all of which depend on a very similar tactical approach, attention to detail, deft hand-eye coordination and fluid release.
8. How to Hit the Communal Showers Without Seeing Your Buddy’s Cash and Prizes, or Vice Versa
Damn, you really gotta tread lightly with communal shower jokes these days. Add the following to the list of reasons you hate Jerry Sandusky: he ruined pedophilia humor for the rest of us.
9. How to Dance With a Girl While Popping a Huge Stiffy
Ah, the end-of-camp dance. So many first loves gone awry. Hormones hanging over the room in a tangible mass the way secondhand smoke does on a Vegas casino floor. And enough wood on hand to build a log cabin.
The moment you sink your fingers into her blossoming tush, homeboy downstairs goes six-to-midnight STAT. He’s so eager to get out of his cage that even the trusty waistband tuck isn’t always a sufficient safeguard. You start doing weird hip gyrations and sticking your ass out to avoid poking her.
But in hindsight, let’s be real: that sh*t had her straight soaking through her floral print panties and training bra. I guess the real lesson here is this: when you’re grinding on a honey and something pops up, let it rock, son, let it rock.
10. How to Run a F*cking Campus and Generally Be a Boss
Let’s be real: summer camp – especially when hosted by a university – is like a dry run for freshman year of college. You sleep in the dorms, eat in the cafeteria, objectify every girl who passes by and snag handfuls of free condoms every time you walk by the on-campus Planned Parenthood kiosk (for the inevitable impromptu water balloon fights, of course). The only thing missing are the kegs. Young men arrive at summer camp every year as boys, and they leave as, well, boys who are slightly more diabetic and may or may not have the sweet residual aroma of vagina lingering on their forefingers. Because everyone knows you don’t shower for at least a week after your first fingerbang – after all, you need proof for all your incredulous friends when you get back home.