Dads are a strange and temperamental group, one minute they’re imparting life skills on you, the next moment they’re hitting you with a belt because your dog vomited in the kitchen again. Most the time they can be found sitting in silence trying to avoid their wife in front of a TV screen, other times they can be found trying to avoid their wife by mowing the lawn, other times they can be found trying to avoid their wife by drinking. You see where I’m going with this.
Dads are an important part of life, the part that makes you frustrated and angry all the time but is a necessary evil. These are five important things a father should teach his son and hopefully your Dad taught you.
1. Shaving: Yes, you’re currently bearded and look like a general in the Civil War, but that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t know how to trim your chin clinger. The first time you shave you’ll end up cutting yourself more than a kid whose favorite book is Catcher in the Rye. It’s a Dad’s job to show you how to properly fix those cuts and shave with the grain. Lather, shave, scream really hard when you put after-shave in open wounds. Running a razor down your neck is scary the first time, so be happy your father is there to call you a pussy until you do it.
2. Shoe Shine: From food containers to sexual partners, we live in a culture where we consider everything disposable. A good pair of dress shoes can stay with you longer than an emotionally crippling memory from childhood, if you treat them right. That’s where the art of the shoe shine comes in. It’s a father’s job to teach you that spitting on leather and rubbing it in is perfectly normal. A good shoe shine shows you have discipline, patience, and the desire to strangle the guy who made you good at it. Sure cleaning and polishing your shoes is an intolerable task, but girls just love anything shiny.
3. How to take a hit: The first person to hit you in life is probably going to be the guy who’s half responsible for you being there. Dads are your first bully, a bully that you put in a retirement home and never see again as revenge. Whether it’s a black eye or a belt, at some point you’re going to frustrate that man so much he lashes out. He’s the first person to show you that you don’t like to get hit, and anyone who makes you feel that way is going to get hit back.
4. How to get laid: Asking females for advice on how to get laid never works. Ask any dude and he’ll tell you that his female friends tell him some bullshit about honesty and complimenting her. A good dad will give you the honest truths, like, when to whip out the cocaine or tell a girl she’s not pretty enough to act the way she’s acting. Dads are where you get your game from, he’s the one to tell you how to be an asshole and when the appropriate time to settle for a fat chick is.
5. How to never listen: If there is one thing every father is great at, it’s not listening to anyone. They think they’ve heard and seen it all, and no one has anything to offer them. It’s this amazing skill that actually gets you through life, if you listen to everything people said, you’d realize people are much stupider than even you imagined. Don’t take his lack of listening to heart, just know deep down he hates his wife and kids and probably wants to die.
Bread Foster is a NYC comedian who doesn’t get along with his parents. Follow him on twitter and see him live at LOL NY May 15th at 7pm