When I was a kid I always had people around me, whether I was in school, playing sports, playing video games, or just spending time with the family. There were always people around and it was abnormal for me to be alone or even think about being lonely. But now, the thought of being alone is a real thing. What if my girlfriend breaks up with me and no one else EVER wants to love me? What if my friends are over me and never want to contact me again? What if I have kids and they hate me? What if I post something on Facebook and it doesn’t get any likes?! These are real thoughts that I have on a daily basis and it’s horrifying to imagine being on a deathbed, alone, sad, knowing that no one even cares enough to say goodbye. My life is basically dedicated to avoiding this scenario.
Debt is probably the scariest thing on this list. It can ruin your credit leaving you without the ability to buy or lease a car, or an apartment, or a house, or anything important in life, rendering you helpless and at the mercy of friends and family. Debt is the most evil creature in our world; it’s sort of like a ghost that offers assistance in your time of need and then fucks you in the ear for eternity until you can reciprocate with some sort of payment. As a child, debt is just a silly word that you hear your dad say to his weird friend Gary. Then one day you take out a student loan and Sallie Mae sends you emails until you die.
Answering the Phone
Please just text me. I don’t like getting phone calls and honestly I don’t want to talk…to anyone…ever. It is mostly just fear of the unknown. I used to answer the phone all the time before people started calling to ask me for things and favors and to just chat about unimportant bullshit that will waste valuable minutes of my day. As a child with literally no responsibilities there weren’t any consequences to answering the phone. It was simply pick it up, hand it to someone else and let them deal with it. Now, every time I get a phone call it’s immediately panic, then I try to figure out the best way to not answer the call, then I text them and then I try to keep it a text based conversation. It’s a frightening, panic inducing process every single time.
Policemen still do some heroic shit (think about the apprehension of the Boston Bomber) but 9 out of 10 times I DO NOT WANT TO SEE THEM ANYWHERE. Even when I don’t have anything to worry about, as soon as I see a cop it’s like, ‘oh shit he’s going to get me for something.’ As a kid I never had those feelings, if I saw a cop I would wave which is hilarious because that is literally the last thing I would EVER consider doing. They’re overwhelmingly serious; their heads are far beyond inflated with a false sense of power and based on video evidence they’ll probably shoot your dog.
This is my impression of someone trying to explain the concept of rent to me as an 11-year-old:
Me: ‘So I’m going to have to give a foreign man money on the 1st of every month?’
Me: ‘How much money?’
Him: ‘Probably more than $1000 every single month’
Me: ‘That’s a lot of moneys! Will it be a big house?’
Him: ‘HAHA no, silly, the entire place including the kitchen and bathroom is gonna be smaller than the room you have now. Oh and you’re going to have to do your laundry in the hood.’
Me: ‘How long will I have to do this for?’
Him: ‘Assuming you have good enough credit to move into a place… YOU’LL DO IT UNTIL YOU DIE.’
Me: ‘Oh. That sounds bad.’
Rent is a terrifying concept when you really break it down.
Didn’t think I’d have to worry about that stuff but guess what…HEART DISEASE KILLS 600,000 PEOPLE EVERY YEAR IN THE US. So I’m just looking out for me.
Aristotle is a Los Angeles based comedian who thinks that adult life is basically one long anxiety attack in between meals. You can follow him on Twitter and Vine @STOTLE.
[Scared man image via ShutteStock]