Listen man, I KNOW: there is NO ONE more authentically "Bro" than you are. Nothing could be more obvious. You're on this site aren't you? You’re probably surfin' the web with one hand and cradling with the other. So bro. Hell, just the fact that you know what I'm referring to when I say "cradling" signifies at least an entry level of bro-ficity. And that hat you're wearing looks SO tight; that backwards SnapBack is so high on the top of your head that it's actually NOT EVEN TOUCHING THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD. In spite of - nay, in angry defiance of - gravity, your hat is floating an atom's-breadth above the crown of your head. You’re so bro you're science fiction. And I love the "Cartier watch with lax pinnie" look; it's a perfect and elegant pairing, like good Camembert and a fine Beaujolais, except way less pussy. But you know this. You've devoted your life to being a bro, you've pushed deep down inside any earnest feelings and opinions in deference to loud, thoughtless, and broad pronouncements. You love Avicii, but you're also kind of over Avicii. And you sleep with girls who only wear Tory Burch. Life is good.
But wait, not so fast. There are a few things you should know. Contrary to what your intentionally narrow world view has indicated, Bro culture is in crisis. Apparently, the larger outside world takes a bit of offense to carefree entitlement. Which is stupid. But I'm not mad, bro. I don't get mad; that may incite accidental internal reflection. I’m just having a great time. That said, there ARE things that bros have been doing that may bring their bro-ness into question; things that may have been previously thought OK, but it’s clear now these actions give people the wrong idea about the Bro. Like any successful species, we must adapt to survive lest we suffer the fate of the dodo, or the double-Windsor. There are things we did in 2012 and in years past that simply cannot continue in 2013. All great actions, like life itself, are ephemeral. Continue behaving exactly the same and over time you risk becoming a cliche, and we bros are NOT cliches. We're so much more than that. So in that vein, I've made a list of things to avoid in 2013 and beyond:
Overly Judging Chicks
I had a friend give a girl a 7.6 yesterday because her “ass wasn’t proportional to her calves.” Then this guy went on to claim that he’s never seen a girl who was better than a 9.2. I went on to claim that he’d have a wife that wasn’t proportional to his boyfriend. Of course guys are going to rate girls. If we didn’t then we would have literally nothing to talk about that had any substance. You would just see a bunch of guys repeating the words “Dude,” “Bro,” and “skank” over and over. I just think we need to relax on the hard lines we throw down. I live by the “contract rule” which asks, would you have sex with this girl if a contract was signed that said “no babies, no diseases, no word gets out?” To this day, I’d have sex with every girl I’ve ever seen in my life (even the two headed chick(s?) that are on TLC).
If we are going to rate chicks (which we obviously always will) then let’s go by the “area code scale” where a girl’s face, body, and personality earn her an area code. So a girl with a hot face, mediocre body, and the personality of a doormat could hypothetically be an 8-5-1. Then you could start calling your girlfriend’s ugly, fat, annoying friends “New Yorkers” since they would be a “212” or that Irish chick who can chug a beer, has an ok face and always wears a sweatshirt a “Bostonian” (617) which pretty much fits all girls from Boston. This can then be combined with the contract rule and you’ll be well on your way to having a reason for your Bros for hooking up with any girl you’ve ever seen (even Honey Boo Boo’s mom).
Profile Pics That Include Your Girlfriend
You’re a Bro. That profile picture is reserved for photos of you not smiling, beer bonging, doing gay stuff that’s just a joke since you’re totally not gay, showing “da guns,” dressed as a pirate with a sign around your neck that says “bring on the booty,” and action shots of you scoring the winning touchdown in life (that’s just a picture of you smirking). It IS NOT meant for girlfriends. That’s just her marking her territory. Any time I see the “Bro” in the profile picture with his girlfriend I think of that chick squatting over his laptop, pulling her Lilly Pulitzer dress into a bundle in her arms, and peeing all over the keyboard as she yells “This computer, much like your dick, is mine!” Feel free to use that image any time you’re trying to last longer in bed. Or shorter, actually. Probably shorter.
Calling Pizza “Za”
We're switching back to "Peetz." My mom called is "Za" the other day. My wayfarer sunglasses almost flew off from my double take. Good thing I had my Croakies. Plus it sounds better: "Yo, pass me the Peetz," or, "Man, I can't wait to get this huge Peetz in my mouth," or, "I love the feeling of hot Peetz all over my face."
Using The Word “Epic”
I can’t even believe Bros started saying this in the first place. I took an oath as a Bro that literally nothing would impress me except myself. Unless that party had my name being uttered on repeat the whole time then it wasn’t “epic.” Unless that chick was wearing a mask of my face then that BJ was not “epic.” Unless the restaurant served a zesty mayo that included my semen then the tater tots were not “epic.” And if all of these things happened then please say hello to me when you come to my parties, give me back my J-Train mask (I’ve been looking for it), and start spreading the word about my delicious homemade zesty mayo.
Giving The Finger In Pictures
Very crude, and this automatically eliminates your ability to run on any Republican ticket in the future. The peace sign is too, you know, Asian, and ironic gang symbols are the territory of white hipsters. I say stick with the very simple "outstretched arms" maneuver, which can convey "I'm the man," or, "all this is mine," or, "come at me if you dare," depending on the accompanying facial feature. Solo shots are encouraged, unless you're doing the "outstretched arms" behind eight babes. That's the kind of thing that would make the Taliban quit it’s so goddamned American and awesome.
Correcting Spelling On Twitter or Anywhere Else on The InternetMy least favorite response to a Tweet or a column or a sext is *areolas or *whatever my misspelled word is. The act couldn’t be less “Bro.” You poke your head out of your hole to reveal yourself and the only thing you have to say is “you conjugated ‘you are’ incorrectly.” No real Bro cares about these things much less speaks without giving an opinion like, “this tweet sucks” or “Hey *you’re a loser for writing this column.” Like the kid in middle school who reminds the teacher she forgot to give out a homework assignment, the collective world rolls their eyes and thanks God that they aren’t you or your unused penis. *vagina
#Letsjustletchickstaketwentyminutestodecipherthesethingswhilewemakeadollartotheirseventyfivecents #deal? #deal.
This friendzoning crap needs to end today. When I die, I want to be remembered as the guy who ended girls saying stuff like, “oh but we’re friends,” and, “he’s like my brother.” I’ll be in every history book and take on Jesus-like status. Here’s how we start. I’m starting an ad campaign called, “I’m Nice Because You’re Hot.” Here’s a script:
Sarah Mclaughlin’s “In the Eyes Of An Angel” plays.
Shot of guy hanging a girl’s “For the nights will never remember with the friends we will never forget” poster in her dorm room.
Shot of a guy mouthing “You guys will have a blast” as a cute girl twirls in a new formal dress.
Cut to Sarah Mclaughlin
Sarah Mclaughlin: "Every year millions of young men are put into the FriendZone."
Cut to a guy being the designated driver for a bunch of drunk girls.
Cut to a guy sitting on one couch while a cute girl sits on a different couch in the same room. The Notebook is playing.
Cut to Sarah Mclaughlin
Sarah: "Ladies, he doesn’t want to be your friend. He wants a Blowjob."
Cut to shot after shot of the guys just shown shaking their heads in agreement.
Fade to black and in big white letters it reads: GET REAL
I’ll be starting a kickstarter for the project soon.
Claiming that Having Sex with a Girl on Her Period is Gross
You know what’s gross? Changing babies, feeding babies, getting a babysitter, clothing a baby, paying for a baby’s pre-prekindergarden “classes,” buying formula, knowing what formula is, and babies. That period represents all of that gross baby stuff you don’t have to do yet. If anything, that time of the month should give you stronger erections. You should be king of the bed and siring her for all hours of the night. You should be yelling “I’m free!!!” every time you climax. You want to talk about gross? Ending your life is gross.
Texting Chicks At 3AM, "You Up?"
This is cliche and as I said in the beginning, there’s no such thing as a cliche Bro. From now on lets just all text “Hey 775, I just got some Peetz. Come over for an epic time. #Thisisaninvitetothebonezonenotthefriendzone #pleasebeonyourperiod *Over.”