A lot of Bros in their mid-twenties are like this. There are only a few things that I really get emotionally invested in. Below is the list of what really fires me up.
1. Lifting Partner
Mine: Zach, ex baseball player, LA Fitness
Friends who lift together stick together. Whether it’s a chest back or bis/tris day, three nights a week we shower our bodies in protein powder and engage in locker room shenanigans. Sure, we get a few sideways looks, but to us it’s all about having a big body. On the days one of us can’t make it, we become like possessive boyfriends and accuse the other of “fooling around” with other gyms.
2. Movie Trailers
Mine: Place Beyond the Pines, The Spectacular Now, anything with Leo
I can sit stone faced while Carl’s wife Ellie dies and Bambi’s mother gets ruthlessly gunned down, but when I see a movie trailer with the perfect combination of music, drama and Leonardo DiCaprio, it really gets me all antsy in my pantsy. I’m the guy whose expectations get WAY too high from the trailer- so when the actual film disappoints, I feel betrayed.
3. First Video Game I Beat
Mine: Zelda Ocarina of Time
Fuck the Water Temple.
4. Sports Team
Mine: The Chicago Bulls
When Derrick Rose tore his ACL last April I laid under a blanket the entire weekend. Without him in the lineup and the Bulls playing slightly above-average ball last season, I felt like a junkie who was dope-sick for an entire year. Yeah, it’s an extreme metaphor but that’s how much I hate Carlos Boozer.
5. My One Sweatshirt
Mine: Gray zip up, Banana Republic, large
I lost this soft gray companion for two full years. It turns out it was hiding from me in a friend’s basement in the suburbs. When we were reunited, it was like the scene from Jerry McGuire. Even though I had all sorts of abandonment issues, it still had me at hello.
6. Certain…Websites
Mine: I’d rather not say
There’s no stigma anymore, right? Saying that means there still is a stigma, doesn’t it?
7. Dive Bar
Mine: Sheffields – Lakeview, Chicago
Many Chicagoans wouldn’t consider this a dive but it’s definitely not what you’d call a destination. Every single time I’ve been here it’s moderately full, the BBQ is on-point and my buddies and I have had a very high success rate with the females. What else could you ask for? I know what you could ask for: a dartboard. I love darts more than I’ve ever loved any human being in my lifetime.
8. Leonardo DiCaprio
Mine: Leonardo DiCaprio
For Christ's sake look at the guy. I’d lock myself away in federal prison for five years if I could just BE him for a day.
On second thought, I’m pretty emotional.
[Editor's note: This is us acknowledging that John's affinity for all things DiCaprio is just a touch on the creepy side.]
John Hickey is a Chicago based stand up comedian and writer. Follow him @johnnyjhickey and check out his website johnhickeycomedy.com
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