Life
by The Infallible Bro on May 6, 2014

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While bros come in all sizes, shapes, and colors (but mostly we are attractive, athletic, and amazing at life), there are just certain things that we don’t do. It’s not even associated so much with the mythical “bro code”, but rather with the law of decency and non-square tendencies. The following 5 things are as follows:

Larping

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As chronicled in the movie, Role Models, larping is filled with dudes that want to live out a fantasy life in a world where they aren’t complete fucking losers. Sure, there aren’t many other non- violent real-life activities that involve swords and axes, but the only more obvious way of saying “don’t fuck me” would be by getting it tattooed on your forehead.

Mani-Pedis

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Guys can be pretty and not be lame. Man-scalping isn’t just accepted now, it’s expected. However, there is a point to which it would be perceived as going a little overboard. If you really want a relaxing day and to take care of your body: buy a case of Bud Light and get shitfaced. You will forget about your dried up cuticles in no time.

Using Pick-up Lines

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Yes, some people have more difficulty getting laid than others. But using pickup lines is a clear violation of the aforementioned “bro code”. Besides the fact that slam pieces should want to hook up with us because we have fucking awesome personalities, confidence is a main attribute of the bro. And bitches love confidence. You might have a specific approach to picking up broads that is used on more than one prey, but it’s not like you recite it in the shower before heading out. Leave your pickup lines in the 8th grade where they belong.

Wear all black to formal functions

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Most bros are fucking masterful when it comes to style, but every once in a while there are guys that have some trouble looking half-decent even if you’re just stepping out for a few brews on a weekday night. Certain lack of effort can pass when the occasion isn’t terribly momentous, but if you show up to a nice restaurant, job interview/work, frat formal, etc. with a black suit, black shirt, black tie, and black shoes then your man card will be revoked.

Order wine at the bar

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I like wine. I will slum it with a box of Franzia any day of the week. But ordering a glass of wine at the bar when there are clearly more manly options is a mistake. And if you are a fan of Stella Artois, ask specifically for a less-awkward container for your brew. Ordering wine doesn’t make you look like you are out with the bros looking to smash some local talent, it makes you look like you are drinking alone and going home soon to cry yourself to sleep with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and listen to Dashboard Confessional (or something else that makes me want to claw my own eyes out).

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