It all started on Saturday morning. I'm in bed, rifling through my emails, deleting Ask a Bro questions about 'getting out of the friend zone' and 'beating whiskey dick' when I came across a tip from a reader:
Subject: Found something really weird…
Message: My name is Leines from Germany and I found a product while reading the Hustler Magazine: PussyLolly! You can see the at pussylolly.com. Isn´t that great for BroBible??
After being excited that emoticons have made their way to Germany, I clicked on the link. Up popped a website with pussy-shaped lollipops. I started laughing. My girlfriend, who can't ever not know what I'm laughing at, inquires.
Her: “What's so funny? Did Joe send you a picture of his shit again?”
Me: “No, a reader sent in a link to pussy lollipops.”
Her: “Let me see!”
Her: “Oh, wow. Do they taste like it or are they just shaped that way?”
Me: “How the fuck should I know? I've been looking at this for one-second longer than you. But I don't think there is much of a market for pussy-shaped lollipops let alone ones that taste like it. So my guess is 'no.'”
Her: “Yeah, you're probably right.”
Then I closed the browser on my phone and forgot about the tip until JUST NOW! Armed with a real computer, I dove right into Pussy (Lolly) and really explored the innards of the site. First, I clicked on their Product Images link so I could find some SFW images to post, because regardless of what happened I had to let the world know these existed. While I was there, I also learned that every pop is handmade so “the colour and surface structure may vary slightly” on each one. The captain of the S.S. PussyLolly is a real craftsman, you guys!
While I was there, I also grabbed this photo.
She's got a pussy on her back!
After that, things went south almost instantaneously.
Next, I clicked on Product Designs. I figured I'd see a few color shades and nothing else. Instead I got a hearty helping of WTF!?!
Is that rip-cord edible?
So. Many. Questions.
How in the shit do you go from normal vagina right into menstruation? And is that fucking string necessary? (Although I've always been a fan of authenticity, in all facets of life.) Also, how do you bypass making a black one? Do they actually taste like pussy because now I'm starting to think they might? Lastly, and most importantly, how can I unsee all of this? Actually, can I sue someone? I think I should be able to sue someone. That fucker, Leines.