A lollipop this out-of-the-box deserves a unique write-up, so allow me to give a blow-by-blow of my horrifying experience thus far with the product shown above, which is known simply as the Pussy Lolly.
It all started on Saturday morning. I'm in bed, rifling through my emails, deleting Ask a Bro questions about 'getting out of the friend zone' and 'beating whiskey dick' when I came across a tip from a reader:
Subject: Found something really weird...
Message: My name is Leines from Germany and I found a product while reading the Hustler Magazine: PussyLolly! You can see the at pussylolly.com. Isn´t that great for BroBible??
Best wishes ;)
After being excited that emoticons have made their way to Germany, I clicked on the link. Up popped a website with pussy-shaped lollipops. I started laughing. My girlfriend, who can't ever not know what I'm laughing at, inquires.
Her: "What's so funny? Did Joe send you a picture of his shit again?"
Me: "No, a reader sent in a link to pussy lollipops."
Her: "Let me see!"
Her: "Oh, wow. Do they taste like it or are they just shaped that way?"
Me: "How the fuck should I know? I've been looking at this for one-second longer than you. But I don't think there is much of a market for pussy-shaped lollipops let alone ones that taste like it. So my guess is 'no.'"
Her: "Yeah, you're probably right."
Then I closed the browser on my phone and forgot about the tip until JUST NOW! Armed with a real computer, I dove right into Pussy (Lolly) and really explored the innards of the site. First, I clicked on their Product Images link so I could find some SFW images to post, because regardless of what happened I had to let the world know these existed. While I was there, I also learned that every pop is handmade so "the colour and surface structure may vary slightly" on each one. The captain of the S.S. PussyLolly is a real craftsman, you guys!
While I was there, I also grabbed this photo.
She's got a pussy on her back!
After that, things went south almost instantaneously.
Next, I clicked on Product Designs. I figured I'd see a few color shades and nothing else. Instead I got a hearty helping of WTF!?!
Is that rip-cord edible?
So. Many. Questions.
How in the shit do you go from normal vagina right into menstruation? And is that fucking string necessary? (Although I've always been a fan of authenticity, in all facets of life.) Also, how do you bypass making a black one? Do they actually taste like pussy because now I'm starting to think they might? Lastly, and most importantly, how can I unsee all of this? Actually, can I sue someone? I think I should be able to sue someone. That fucker, Leines.