Yesterday a curious e-mail landed in my inbox. Basically, it was from some former Penn State grads like myself who were looking for BroBible to sponsor their kickball team. Now that’s a super rad idea, but — as a matter of policy — we don’t sponsor teams or parties or pretty much anything that we can’t have our final seal of approval over. Even when it’s only $400. Having standards like that in place is just how it goes when you’re a blog game Vince Mcmahon.
Still, kudos to this dude for writing a highly amusing — and DESPERATE — e-mail trying to rally up the funds for beer league kickball. I told them if they really desperately needed the funds, they should set up a GoFundMe and see if any readers would be cool with helping them out. They did just that.
I decided to reach out to you because, as a fellow Penn Stater, I figured you best understood the need for excessive weekday drinking coupled with intra-mural sports to create a aggressive competitive cocktail of washed-up fun. My post-grad friends and I decided to join a kick-ball league in Center City, Philadelphia to break up the monotomy of our normal gym-dinner-2 hours of Seinfeld re-runs Thursday nights. Unfortunately, we were a little late to race and only have a few days (until June 4th) to have our roster finalized and payments in. Brandon, $475, $475 to play KICKBALL. WHATTT. I thought it was a joke to. And then of course, tack on your standard $3.50 processing fee (Venmo is free but writing them a check requires a processing fee….that makes sense), $10 per game referee payment, and team shirts…its unreal, pushing $600 FOR KICKBALL. But thats the cost of living in a city instead of miserable suburb.
I am begging you, help us out, throw us a sponsorship, do us a favor. I’ll be honest, we can afford it, if I cut out a weekend or two…but don’t let that happen. I would say our teams measley post grad average yearly income is a tight $65,000, of course that is without the outlier of my friends girlfriend who makes 6 figures as a pharma rep, yet in the year I have lived here some-one still hasn’t paid for a single round, and of course the boyfriend won’t hear it no matter how many times I’ve let them take my bed when they are too drunk to walk home, and the grad-student who makes $0 yet has no problem guilting us into buying him a beer night after night.
I digress.
When you take out rent, loans, gym membership (the dad bod is travesty, and without that membership, I am cursed), food, car, internet and Preakness two weekends ago, it’s just another barely-manageable drain on the path to social lubrication I hold so dear to my heart.
Fuck it, I’ll be honest….the difficulty comes in that these leeches, if I front the money, are going to take forever to pay me back, if they even do…and oh I better not forget about that Chipotle they bought me 3 months ago after they spent the better part of the weekend at my apartment not re-filling my Brita and eating my food, or the $3 Miller-Lite after each game they are going to promise. It is just stress I do not want to deal with. But shoving Vegas Bombs down my throat on a Thursday night after thrashing a local UPENN team (judgemental NARPs), that is something I do want to deal with.
So again, if you can, sponsor us. If just the $475, then just that. We will pay for the shirts with the team names YOU decide. Complete freedom. It would be incredible for us, because if we can not get the money together, I am not fronting it, and they won’t pretend to even think about it. I know this group of degenerates. I’ve seen them at their worse and get worser still. But if Bro-Bile does this for me, I’ll get to finally order a drink for some med-school girl and pass it to her with my bloody, sweaty hand as I preach about the incredible double play I made from right field that started with a diving catch and ended with a double pistols to the dusters we just beat, and flip my friends the bird as she walks me out of the bar. Sounds like a goddam gimmie to me.
Brandon, from my team to yours, hope we hear from you soon with good news. Any dollar that is donated and not spent on the kickball team will be donated to a charity in Philadelphia in BroBibles name.
Regards
Respect for that solid NARPs line. That’s some old-school BroBible shit.
Bros, all they need is $475. Go donate to their GoFundMe and throw ’em a solid. The highest bidder can name their team whatever the fuck they want, like the Chode Chasers or Bean Burritos. That’s worth a season full of laughs.
Let’s make those dreams happen.
Hope you Bros get the funds and make it to the championship.