If you never want sex to send you to the ER, then this post is for you! However, if you do want sex to send you to the ER, then maybe planet earth isn’t for you. I don’t know… that seems like an otherworldly desire to me.
A few days ago, Vice interviewed sex therapist Dr. Kat van Kirk to get to the bottom of findings from a Brazilian study that revealed the five most dangerous sex positions for penile fractions (AKA A BROKEN DICK).
Being a guy, with a penis that I never want to see snap like a twig, I figured I should pass this information along to my fellow man. A few of the positions are common sense — any time a girl is jumping up and down on your stiff cock you run the risk of injury — but, shockingly, almost half of all broken dicks are from dudes being on top. Which leads to the obvious reactions of “HOW THE FUCK IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?”
My only guess is that a lot of guys A) suck at sex or B) fuck like outlaws.
Either way, here are the 5 positions (in order of least to most likely) you should most avoid if you don’t want a broken dick.
5. Titty Fucking
Dr Van Kirk says, ‘I’ve seen a few penile fractures, not just with the pelvic bone, but when guys are in the process of trying to give a pearl necklace
Not even sure how braking your dick while titty fucking is possible without ramming your dick into the girls chin, but ok…
4. Missionary
Twenty one percent of all penile fractures are from missionary sex. That’s just embarrassing for a guy. You’re in control for Christ’s sake! If I broke my dick from missionary, I’d lie to the hospital. Tell them I got an unyielding boner while watching a rerun of “Murder She Wrote” and then took a fall down the stairs on my way to the bathroom. At least that way I’d be left with some dignity.
3. Doggy Style
Doggy is responsible for 29% of all broken penises. Again, HOW!?! Be better at being in control, gang. Be less overzealous. Know your limits for crying out loud. Live to fuck another day.
2. Cowgirl
Now this makes sense.
1. Reverse Cowgirl
And so does this. I’m not saying a broken dick is ever “worth it” but if you’re going to break your dick, make sure it’s 100% her fault. At least that way you can play all the golf you want for the next five years and she can’t say shit. “You’re going golfing again?” “YOU BROKE MY FUCKING DICK!”
Yeah, that might not work for five full years, but you’ll have at least one or two years to milk it.
[H/T Vice]