In my professional and collegiate careers I have used just about every scenario -- injuries, unexpected illness, tragic death, untimely bouts of liquid shit -- that one can think of to get me out of work, a crucial exam, or any event that I simply didn't care to attend. Lying is an essential part of life and I embrace that with great zeal. Cunning fibs, however, are never more paramount than when you are looking for a legitimate excuse to get you out of a previous engagement, especially at the last minute. And that means if grandma needs to be fictitiously slaughtered in order for you to miss a few days of work and head to Vegas with your boys, then so be it. She was always a b*tch to you anyway.

In the realm of believable excuses, it is important to choose wisely because you don't need to off your grandmother if you only want to miss one day of work. That would be excessive and you'd just be squandering the extra two to three days off that the excuse could get you. You need to save that shit for when you're having a rough Tuesday and you can't possibly see yourself doing anything outside of playing video games and masturbating to this video for the rest of the week. While on this subject, you also should never use any excuses that will make you look bad. Like, don't tell your boss your hemorrhoids are flaring so you have to miss work because when you come back, the entire office will think your a**hole looks like a popcorn ceiling.

Below are a list of excuses that can be used in all different situations because no one wants to be that guy who got stuck working the weekend courtesy of his slow-processing brain.

Out-of-Town Wedding
This excuse is perfect to use whenever your boss tries to drop a bomb on you that you need to go ahead and come in on Saturday. Fuck.that.shit. You need to act fast and toss this in his smug face the moment he struts over to your cube all ready to give you the bad news. Which, to begin with, is news he is giving you because someone else probably played another excuse already. But you've got plans, big, glorious, nuptial plans -- you're even in the wedding -- so don't feel bad, because Joanie didn't feel remorse when she told your boss that her c*nt exploded so she couldn't attend the work event.

Home Disasters
Any home-oriented catastrophe is going to buy you at least a half day off. Floods are the best way to go since something like that won't make the news and can't be seen if someone drives by. In other words, don't say that your house burned to the ground unless you actually have plans of fulfilling that prophecy.

Jury Duty
By law, if you receive a summons in the mail and you don't make an effort to postpone or get out of it ahead of time, you have to show up for jury duty. It is against the law not to and that is what makes this such a mouth-watering excuse. Because employers and most rational people understand this. However, if you try to play this excuse and the person has the right to ask for proof (this would be your douche bag boss come is) you will have to show it to them. It's a tough doc*ment to forge so keep that in mind.

Community Service
This may not work every time if you're not in college or not the type who regularly flies to Haiti, but at least it makes you seem momentarily noble and caring. And even if you're faking it, that's got to feel nice, because it's the thought that counts.

Illness
I always like to go with an aliment that isn't too vile but will leave others feeling sorry for me while I am off in perfect health and having the time of my life. Pneumonia, food poisoning, or a serious infection, like swine flu or a kidney stone, will do just fine. That way, the people who you're deceiving will think that you are vomiting your brains out or pissing agony and you're not just sitting at home with the sniffles and a drippy c*nt.