As the immortal Dom Mazzetti says, when you go out you want to be rolling deep. Walking into a bar with double digits tells everyone that you didn’t come to paint, and it also helps to compensate for your crippling insecurity and general social anxiety. You want to look like the cast of Ocean’s 11 when going out, and like any decent heist crew, everyone has a clearly defined role. Here’s the cast of characters you’re likely to find in any self-respecting Bro crew.
The Quarterback: This is the guy who gets the crew assembled. He sends the group MMS that nobody responds to, providing logistics so that nobody has to think. He’ll be the one calling you a pussy over and over again until you agree to go out. While he is the quarterback of the crew, he’s more of a Christian Ponder than a Peyton Manning. His grand plans for the night usually end up with the same six guys sitting at the same bar you always go to.
The Fight Guy: This guy is like clockwork. Five beers, two shots, time to fight. Any stray look from a guy that looks smaller than him is immediately greeted with “Bro, you wanna go?” This would be OK if the Fight Guy was good-sized himself, but he’s almost always 5’7”. He has also likely never been in a fight, but will always talk shit from the back of the crowd once the rest of the crew moves in to diffuse the situation.
The Rich Guy: This is one you need to have out with you. Whether he scored a finance job out of college or has a mythical parent-linked credit card, he comes to the bar ready to do damage. Not afraid of staring down a bar tab that looks like a round of Double Jeopardy, this guy will buy the shots all night and then grab the cabs to avoid public transportation, which is for poor people. His biggest problem is trying to explain to his parents that the money he said he spent on textbooks actually came up on the statement as “Bottoms Up Full Nude Gentleman’s Club.”
The Poor Guy: In interest of full disclosure, this guy is me. He bitches the whole night about he can’t afford to go out, but still ends up drinking the most out of everyone. A professional mooch, you can find him standing next to the Rich Guy most of the night, or hunting the drink rails for wounded soldiers. He brings cheap bourbon from home in a water bottle to mix with water at the bar, and never takes his turn buying pitchers. Fuck this dude (sorry guys).
The Bottom Feeder: This guy will disappear halfway through the night. When you find him on the dance floor at last call, he will be sucking face with the least attractive girl in the bar. Like a lion that only hunts hard 3s, he’ll jump on any grenade and mumble things like, “it’s for the story,” or “pussy don’t got a face.” He recently got Tinder and set his radius at 100 miles and hasn’t swiped left once yet.
The Drunkest Guy at the Bar: If you’re lucky, this title usually rotates throughout the crew based on occasion. Sometimes, it’s the same guy every time that overestimates his ability to hold hard liquor and ends up getting everyone kicked out for peeing on the floor because the line for the bathroom was too long. Ok, that was me, and it sounded reasonable at the time. Because Bros won’t coddle each other the way girls do when one of their friends gets too sloppy, this guy can be seen wandering the bar or the streets nearby alone, looking like he just came out of a Mike Tyson match. He also usually becomes the Fight Guy or the Bottom Feeder at this point, often evolving into the Lost Guy, or, the most legendary, the Jail Guy.
If you don’t recognize your position in this group, you are most definitely the Lame Guy, the one that gets invited even though nobody really likes him and is the recipient of all the shit talking when he isn’t around. Every crew functions like a basketball team, and knowing your role is the key to a successful night.