Our society highly values the practice of electronically archiving information. We upload party exploits to YouTube, scan study guides into PDFs, and back up everything from fantasy stats to food shopping lists on the constantly expanding troposphere of Clouds. In other words, the need to digitally document has become pervasive in nearly all aspects of daily life. I too, have fallen victim to the trend of web-based bookkeeping. No, I haven’t recorded the names of every negative blog commenter in order to go on some sort of nationwide retribution tour; leaving bags of flaming sh*t (don’t call the sh*t “poop”) on doorsteps.
I built a Sexsheet, and it’s damn good.
The premise is simple: A Microsoft Excel spreadsheet containing the stats on every woman with whom I’ve had sexual intercourse. The execution is what makes me beam with pride. Each lovely lady is tabulated in chronological order and catalogued by date, location, and fun fact.
For example, let’s take a look at a favorite from yesteryear: sweet Jenna, the 12th that got away…
You may be asking yourself, “Krum, what’s the deal with the ‘Fun Fact’ section?” Well dear reader, I have developed a system that helps me indentify one tryst from the last using highly sophisticated and indecipherable codes:
“HIV”- denotes a lack of condom use. If I ever have to make that call, at least it would be organized.
“LBS+”- stands for a woman of notable girth. Unfortunately, this fun fact has appeared more times than I’d like to admit.
“∆† ☺”- Let’s not go there. I had to do some serious soul searching after that rodeo.
Jenna was "FA" or my “First Asian.” Me so reminiscent!
Certainly there have been conversations where I’ve had to inflate and deflate the number on my Sexsheet like an 11th grader relaying his SAT scores. But for my personal knowledge every Alex, Ashley and Amber have been well accounted for. I recall some investment banker bro getting busted for a similar exercise in the NY Post a while back. While people ridiculed him for his meticulous records, I silently applauded his efforts. You never know when a list like this could come in handy; either for defending against a paternity suit or simply taking a pervy stroll down memory lane. However, I have greater plans of my Sexsheet.
Once I hit a golden number, I will begin sending out invites for the 1st annual “I Had Sex With Krum-vention and Chili Cook-Off” to all those who have made it on to my precious list. The three-day spectacle will include potato sack races, ultimate Frisbee tournaments and panels hosted by former flames. Discussions to be held will include: “Was 3 Minutes Too Long?” and “What I Daydreamed During…” Not sure how much chili I need to order, that depends on how many girls RSVP.
That about wraps it up. Have any tales of your own Sexsheets or recordkeeping devices? Leave ‘em in the Comments section!
Krum is a NYC based comedian and you can follow him on Twitter @KRUMLIFEDOTCOM