When I first moved to New York from a college town, I breathed a welcome sigh of relief that I would never have to witness hordes of f-ugly women marching around campus in standard uniform of Ugg boots and colored "period pants." Why? Because nothing devalues the overall hotness of a beautiful women as much as a baggy pair of Pepto-bismol-colored sweatpants. Unless she's rocking it at the gym mid-winter, a pair of sweats tends to knock a girl's hotness down three points on the 10 scale. To quote Jerry Seinfield, sweatpants send one resounding message to the world: "I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable."
You can imagine, then, my general displeasure with KFC's new guerrilla marketing technique for the bun-less Double Down sandwich. Here's a quote from an official press release: "KFC is recruiting college co-eds to serve as 'human billboards' for its bun-less Double Down sandwich. Forget park benches, sky writing, or on-blimp advertising. KFC is taking advertising to a whole new medium: the backsides of college sweat pants." I don't even know where to start. First of all, it's a shame Colonel Sanders is encouraging coeds to wear sweatpants. The company is essentially rewarding moderately attractive women for their lack of effort by paying them $500 to wear KFC Double Down-branded sweats and hand out coupons on college campuses. Second, since when did staring down a woman's ass stimulate an appetite for an 540-calorie bacon sandwich made out of greasy fried chicken? Is the link between hunger and carnal delight really that primitive? Finally, it's not the first time chicks have used their asses as billboards. In fact, here are the five most commonly obvious types of ass-vertising you'll find on the butts of college women.
The College They Attend
Victoria Secret Pink
If only they all looked like Candice Swanepoel...
If you know of any other common types of ass-vertising that we're missing, Sound Off in the comments...